Sunday, September 16, 2007

Brett Favre - A Legacy of Good Looks

I just picked up Brett Favre for Rex Grossman in my fantasy football league. I'm really excited to welcome Favre to my team, the Secret Johnsons, where he will be one of my starting QBs this week. Many people think Brett is old and washed up and everything like that, but I want you to take a look at this rugged jaw line and those soulful eyes and tell me if you think he's washed up. No one this handsome could be washed up:I bet he gets 20 touchdowns and throws for a thousand yards this week.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Saturday night!

Oh boy! It's Saturday and Saturday is the best day of the whole week if you ask me. If you're not doing anything tonight and you need ideas then let me tell you what I like to do on Saturdays:
First make sure your roommate is not home. Then turn off all the lights and close your blinds. Take off your shirt and pants and put on your cleanest underwear. Then fix yourself a cocktail. A personal favourite of mine is the "Lonely Russian". To make a lonely russian, mix one part tap water and one part Vladimir vodka in an empty tin can. If I have the energy, I like to peel the label off the can and wash it before I make the drink as a classy touch. Anyway, after you've had 4 or 5 drinks, grab a sixth drink and your laptop and start cruising facebook for pictures of girls you went to college with who've stopped replying to your emails.

Man, I'm getting excited just thinking about it! Who knows where the night could lead!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Forgot my user name

It's been so long since I posted any BS that I forgot my user name. I guess I should eat more fish to stave off the senility. So much stuff has happened since I posted last that I won't try to detail it since I'd be up all night writing. Instead I will just say that I am looking forward to making some dinner tonight. I think I might have salad. Also, I apologize for not being here to provide much needed guidance. To make up for my neglect I would like to reiterate the following policy positions:

1. Adults in shorts are undignified.
2. Poker is for skids.
3. Unmarried straight men over 30 are invariably total creep shows.
4. Cambridge is crawling with worthless hippies.
5. I am very wise.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

17 foods to try before you die...

...according to the Star right here.

I've tried 6, I think. Horse is next on my list.


So god damned gross.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Stop hovering around my girl you goddamn creepy hippie

"I'm irresistible. Look at me Cat. Turn around. I dance for you. Feel the fire of my loins. Gaze upon me and know the beauty of man in his natural nude state. Behold my pretty bitchin' tattoos and native american accessories. You know you want me....succumb. "

Important Announcement: I Have Purchased a Cellular Telephone

Yes, you read that correctly. After more than 30 years without mobile connectivity, I have finally saved up enough money to purchase a modest cellular phone package. It has changed my life. I look and feel younger. People smile at me more. I have a spring in my step that I haven't had in years. Of course, nobody really calls me, but I am confident that that will change in short order as word spreads. People who don't have cell phones are annoying. Stop inconveniencing the rest of us you Luddites!

Saturday, June 02, 2007

I kind of feel like partying

Here is an interesting empirical observation I have made:

The closer a grad student is to graduation, the more likely he or she is to get married. Now of course, as you get older the likelihood that you would be married goes up...but I'm pretty sure grad school amplifies the effect to a huuuuuuge extent. So many friends of mine are married or getting married as they approach the end of grad school. Why? I don't know. I guess when you're finally 100% finished school you feel it's time to move on and get responsible and be an adult and start a life etc... but frankly the sheer prevalence of the effect worries me. I thought I was getting close to finishing, but do I have to marry someone before they let me leave? Or am I kidding myself when I think I can finish in about a year? Is marriage a sign that you're smart and wise and responsible enough to move on? I could be in serious trouble folks.

Don't worry though. I have a backup plan.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The Human Body is Shameful and Disgusting

Hi everybody! It's that time of year again. You know, the time of year when the weather gets nicer and the sun starts shining and all of you feel the need to start sporting sandals, short pants, bikini tops, muscle shirts, and other various and sundry warm weather clothing.

This is just a friendly reminder, before you all start stripping down to your unmentionables and parading around Massachusetts in what might as well be your birthday suit, that the human body is both disgusting and shameful. Yes, that's right. Your body is gross and it should be hidden from view. You are slowly and inexorably aging and decaying. You sweat. You breathe heavily through the mouth. You leak thick, foul-smelling protein oozings from nearly every orifice, and no matter how often you shower a positively dizzying array of bacteria, yeast, fungi, and other flora and fauna call your body their home.

Improper Summer Clothing for Men

Suitable men's summer clothing

Now, some of you are probably snapping your fingers and muttering to yourself, "I look good! I stay in shape! I'm sexy!" If you are one of these people then slap yourself in the face for me, because you are the biggest problem. You are the ones precipitating the arms race. You're the first ones "sunbathing" or roller-blading shirtless in short shorts as soon as the frost breaks, and it's because of you that others feel pressure to follow suit. Don't think that just because you got yourself a fake tan and some liposuction that your body isn't as shameful as ours, because it most assuredly is. In fact yours is more shameful because you have the audacity to advertise. A lumpy, dirty, mouth-breathing piece of meat voiding its bladder in the morning is no less loathsome because it hauls its butt to the gym 5 days a week.

Now go put some clothes on.