apples over america

Brett Favre - A Legacy of Good Looks

2007-09-16T10:43:00.000-04:00

I just picked up Brett Favre for Rex Grossman in my fantasy football league. I'm really excited to welcome Favre to my team, the Secret Johnsons, where he will be one of my starting QBs this week. Many people think Brett is old and washed up and everything like that, but I want you to take a look at this rugged jaw line and those soulful eyes and tell me if you think he's washed up. No one this handsome could be washed up:I bet he gets 20 touchdowns and throws for a thousand yards this week.

Saturday night!

2007-09-08T18:14:00.000-04:00

Oh boy! It's Saturday and Saturday is the best day of the whole week if you ask me. If you're not doing anything tonight and you need ideas then let me tell you what I like to do on Saturdays:
First make sure your roommate is not home. Then turn off all the lights and close your blinds. Take off your shirt and pants and put on your cleanest underwear. Then fix yourself a cocktail. A personal favourite of mine is the "Lonely Russian". To make a lonely russian, mix one part tap water and one part Vladimir vodka in an empty tin can. If I have the energy, I like to peel the label off the can and wash it before I make the drink as a classy touch. Anyway, after you've had 4 or 5 drinks, grab a sixth drink and your laptop and start cruising facebook for pictures of girls you went to college with who've stopped replying to your emails.

Man, I'm getting excited just thinking about it! Who knows where the night could lead!

Forgot my user name

2007-08-28T19:04:00.000-04:00

It's been so long since I posted any BS that I forgot my user name. I guess I should eat more fish to stave off the senility. So much stuff has happened since I posted last that I won't try to detail it since I'd be up all night writing. Instead I will just say that I am looking forward to making some dinner tonight. I think I might have salad. Also, I apologize for not being here to provide much needed guidance. To make up for my neglect I would like to reiterate the following policy positions:

1. Adults in shorts are undignified.
2. Poker is for skids.
3. Unmarried straight men over 30 are invariably total creep shows.
4. Cambridge is crawling with worthless hippies.
5. I am very wise.

17 foods to try before you die...

2007-06-12T23:11:00.000-04:00

...according to the Star right here.

I've tried 6, I think. Horse is next on my list.

Disgusting..

2007-06-12T22:41:00.001-04:00

So god damned gross.

Stop hovering around my girl you goddamn creepy hippie

2007-06-09T15:04:00.001-04:00

"I'm irresistible. Look at me Cat. Turn around. I dance for you. Feel the fire of my loins. Gaze upon me and know the beauty of man in his natural nude state. Behold my pretty bitchin' tattoos and native american accessories. You know you want me....succumb. "

Important Announcement: I Have Purchased a Cellular Telephone

2007-06-09T14:57:00.000-04:00

Yes, you read that correctly. After more than 30 years without mobile connectivity, I have finally saved up enough money to purchase a modest cellular phone package. It has changed my life. I look and feel younger. People smile at me more. I have a spring in my step that I haven't had in years. Of course, nobody really calls me, but I am confident that that will change in short order as word spreads. People who don't have cell phones are annoying. Stop inconveniencing the rest of us you Luddites!

I kind of feel like partying

2007-06-02T13:14:00.000-04:00

Here is an interesting empirical observation I have made:

The closer a grad student is to graduation, the more likely he or she is to get married. Now of course, as you get older the likelihood that you would be married goes up...but I'm pretty sure grad school amplifies the effect to a huuuuuuge extent. So many friends of mine are married or getting married as they approach the end of grad school. Why? I don't know. I guess when you're finally 100% finished school you feel it's time to move on and get responsible and be an adult and start a life etc... but frankly the sheer prevalence of the effect worries me. I thought I was getting close to finishing, but do I have to marry someone before they let me leave? Or am I kidding myself when I think I can finish in about a year? Is marriage a sign that you're smart and wise and responsible enough to move on? I could be in serious trouble folks.

Don't worry though. I have a backup plan.

The Human Body is Shameful and Disgusting

2007-05-16T23:14:00.000-04:00

Hi everybody! It's that time of year again. You know, the time of year when the weather gets nicer and the sun starts shining and all of you feel the need to start sporting sandals, short pants, bikini tops, muscle shirts, and other various and sundry warm weather clothing.

This is just a friendly reminder, before you all start stripping down to your unmentionables and parading around Massachusetts in what might as well be your birthday suit, that the human body is both disgusting and shameful. Yes, that's right. Your body is gross and it should be hidden from view. You are slowly and inexorably aging and decaying. You sweat. You breathe heavily through the mouth. You leak thick, foul-smelling protein oozings from nearly every orifice, and no matter how often you shower a positively dizzying array of bacteria, yeast, fungi, and other flora and fauna call your body their home.

Improper Summer Clothing for Men

Suitable men's summer clothing

Now, some of you are probably snapping your fingers and muttering to yourself, "I look good! I stay in shape! I'm sexy!" If you are one of these people then slap yourself in the face for me, because you are the biggest problem. You are the ones precipitating the arms race. You're the first ones "sunbathing" or roller-blading shirtless in short shorts as soon as the frost breaks, and it's because of you that others feel pressure to follow suit. Don't think that just because you got yourself a fake tan and some liposuction that your body isn't as shameful as ours, because it most assuredly is. In fact yours is more shameful because you have the audacity to advertise. A lumpy, dirty, mouth-breathing piece of meat voiding its bladder in the morning is no less loathsome because it hauls its butt to the gym 5 days a week.

Now go put some clothes on.

Remarkable article in the Globe

2007-05-11T23:29:00.000-04:00

The Globe and Mail, 'Canada's national newspaper', recently ran an article in which they interviewed my uncle regarding the blood lines of a Mr. John Gillis, aka Jack White of the White Stripes. The gist of the story (here) is that Jack's ancestors were Highland Scottish Catholics who settled in Nova Scotia in the late 19th century. Then, sometime in the 20's I think, his grandparents moved to Detroit and the rest is history. Except it turns out Jack is related to a whole bunch of prominent traditional musicians from the East Coast like Buddy and Natalie MacMaster, and Ashley MacIsaac. So presumably they share some genetic predisposition to musical ability? Dunno...but he is also the 2nd cousin of a prominent Cambridge gadfly and man-about-town: yours truly. Yes, while I may not share Jack's talent or charisma, I do share a set of his great-grandparents and his good looks:

"I can't tell the difference between these two hunks!!!!"

Ms. G. Smith I missed your friend's radio program

2007-05-07T23:55:00.000-04:00

I totally meant to check it out but I got busy and forgot to listen. I will tune in next week. Canadians are mostly worthless, but they do produce good music.

My roomie is breaking up with me

2007-05-07T23:49:00.000-04:00

My roommate is moving out this summer. It's kind of a bummer since he is a good guy and very easy to live with. Roomies can be good or bad, but when you've lived with as many people as I have you really appreciate the good ones. The key to living with someone is the ability to overlook/forgive each other's flaws and keep things pleasant and friendly, and on that score this guy was definitely great. I will miss him, but thanks to my binoculars and tree-climbing skills I should be able to keep in touch long after he leaves and moves into Simmons Hall.

A Sad Display at Trivia

2007-05-01T01:27:00.000-04:00

Oh my. Tonight we played trivia at the Thirsty Ear pub here on campus. Those of you who know me know that I get a touch excited about the trivia. I mean, I'm not good at it or anything, but I am good at assembling a star-studded team that can challenge for top spot each week. I'm the Theo Epstein of MIT trivia. I assemble the talent and then relax, sit back, and take all the credit as my team brings home the gold. Tonight things didn't work out exactly as planned. The questions were lame (except for some hockey questions that we totally aced) and the MC stunk. But, as I mentioned in a facebook discussion earlier tonight, the rotten cherry on top of the shit sundae was an incident that happened at the very end of the night.

Two girls, who had each thrown back 40oz. bottles of Colt 45 and chased them with a significant volume of stale draft beer, approached the MC about obtaining bonus points for their team by making a spectacle of themselves on stage. What was their plan? Quite simply, to make out in front of the bar and, if their make-out session was deemed satisfactory, to be awarded 2 bonus points. What ensued was nothing short of embarrassing:Two of the corniest girls you've ever seen start to make out awkwardly on stage as the pub's patrons look on in bemusement. As near as I can tell there were two reactions: uncomfortable staring at the shoes, and utter disdain. The only guy even remotely enthusiastic about the whole thing was the MC. And it went on for so long! There they were in t-shirts and ill-fitting jeans, touching lips and resting limp hands on each other's bums. There might have been a hand up a shirt or something, but frankly it was the least sexy thing I have ever seen. Afterwards they basically got booed by everybody, which is hardly surprising considering most people present would ruthlessly boo and throw things at their own mother if it meant an extra point in trivia. The lame-o MC unilaterally awarded them the points anyway.

The whole thing was completely corny for a million reasons:

1. If you're going to make out with your friend in front of a room full of people, you'd better at least be into it. These girls got cold feet and they were totally awkward. You could tell they weren't into it at all. It was about as sexy as watching a dog lick a toddler's face.

2. The implication of the whole spectacle was that we were basically a room full of pathetic, horny losers who could be bent to the will of a pair of 5's by the merest whiff of sex.

3. The subversion of the trivia scoring system! The real 3rd place team didn't get their free beer! BS!!!!! This MC was a total tool.

4. It was distasteful to watch a couple of chicks put themselves on display and basically beg to be judged by a room full of people. It was weird to see that these girls, who are probably very bright and talented etc..., were still stoked to get up and try to earn the approval of a bar full of dudes by being "sexy".

There are 999,996 other corny things, but it's after 2am and I have to get up early.

You're all banned.

2007-04-26T23:26:00.000-04:00

I ban you from this website.

Hey, what's up?

2007-04-18T18:34:00.000-04:00

I just linked to this blog from my Facebook profile. That means that some of my friends may randomly end up here and wonder why, for 2 years, I never told them I had a blog.

The reason is simple and has absolutely zilch to do with the nude self-portraits that I've been posting every Thursday and just took down about 4 minutes ago:

This blog completely sucks.

This guy in my class disgusts me

2007-04-18T11:20:00.002-04:00

I posted this to our poker message board...but it must have a wider audience:

He is really grubby and gross (i.e. wears same ratty clothes every day, unwashed, sweaty, matted hair), but what bugs me most is that he waltzes into class each morning, sits in one of the 2 front rows, and then stretches out and sleeps like a ****in' toddler. Why come to class? Just to lounge and be seen?

This guy's dad probably kissed his ass his whole childhood instead of screaming at him and kicking his ass a bit, which is what he needs. Those of you considering children should take note...kick some ass or you will get an unwashed, self-indulgent nerd.

I am cross-posting this to my blog. It is too important to waste on you degenerates.

Imagine if you were lecturing and you saw this guy curled up like a big, fat baby and sawing bricks every class. You would probably wind up breaking his legs with an aluminum baseball bat. My prof is a saint.

I suck at investing

2007-04-18T11:20:00.001-04:00

Check out the price of SLW today. I sold at $10.65.

Made my first Sale

2007-04-09T15:21:00.000-04:00

Today I sold off my huge position in Silver Wheaton (SLW) at $10.65. I bought in early January at $9.00, so after transaction costs my return was around 16%. I feel like this stock may still move higher but I sold for 2 reasons:

1. I really feel like the bottom is going to fall out of the market at some point in the near to intermediate future and the last 4% correction showed me that precious metals stocks aren't going to be insulated from any decline, so I wanted to take some profit.

2. I have watched this stock and seen it test these levels many times, and it has always fallen back once it gets near $11. I may jump back in if it goes below $10, but I'll wait and see.

Sweet Chin Music for Jim Bryson

2007-04-04T17:25:00.000-04:00

Well I'm back in town after spring break. I had a great time in Ottawa. I really did. Let's see...what happened while I was home?
I guess the highlight was going out to Almonte with my sis to see the Hootenanny revue. It was a great show with Jim Bryson, Jenny Whitely, Dan Whitely, Carolyn Mark, and some other people who's names I can't remember. At the intermission Jim Bryson came right up to my sister to chat like he friggin' knew her or something. I guess he recognized her 'cause she's been to a lot of his shows?!? Anyway, he's a really friendly guy and pretty funny too. We grew up in the same small town and he and his buddies used to steal beer from teen dances that my dad ran through the Lions Club. I pretended to laugh and think it was real funny while he told the story, but after he left I stole like 100 copies of his new CD from the merchandise table to teach him a lesson.

Hey Jim! I totally know you read my blog. I want you to know that nobody steals beer from the Lions club and gets away with it. Pow! The wheel of karma just laid some 'sweet chin music' on you, son.

Check out his myspace page - he's got a new CD and it's really good...I can hook you up with a copy for like $2.50 Just kidding Mr. Bryson!

Another thing I did while I was home was watch Wrestlemania on Sunday night. I did this despite the fact that I had to get up at ~4:15am the next morning to catch my plane back to Boston and write an economics exam at 9am. Some things are more important than sleep and school and two of those things are HBK's "sweet chin music", and seeing Vince MacMahon get his head shaved live on TV. Do you think you're better than me because I watched wrestling?

Don't you dare judge me.

Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena!!!!!

2007-03-27T15:11:00.000-04:00

Spring break!!!! Whooooo!! Jello Shooters!!!I've been at an academic retreat here in Portsmouth New Hampshire for the past 3 days, and it was just what the doctor ordered after a long semester of science and research. Yep, by the time spring break rolls around I feel burnt out from the constant science bombardment in my day to day life, and there's nothing better than getting out of the city to recharge the ol' batteries by forced and prolonged exposure to boring people talking about science.

I exaggerate. It isn't that bad.

There were some nice social events. For example, we had a dance last night. We had consumed some tequila and that stuff just makes me want to boogie! I was out on the floor just gyrating and pointing at chicks while doing this kind of crazy-legs rubber man dance. It was pretty bad ass. Then it happened:

The DJ played the "Hypnotize"/"Macarena"/"Hot in Here" trifecta.

Anyone who knows me knows that at that point I completely lost control. During the finale when Nelly sings "It's getting hot in here! So take off all your clothes!" I ripped my shirt off. Unfortunately that was about 40 seconds before hotel security shut us down because it was 12am. So the lights come on, 10 seconds later the DJ just shuts off the music in mid-stream, and I am standing in the middle of the dance floor in tan pants and loafers flossing my butt with my dress shirt. Not pretty and veeerrrrry awkward.

Hey I'm coming home to Canada this week! Get ready!

Making a new commitment to this crappy blog

2007-03-23T18:38:00.000-04:00

Yeah sure, her fonts are sagging and she's heavier than when we first started out. She can be cross and demanding, and she takes up minutes of my precious time. But let's face it, I'm no prize either. I'm not very creative or funny, and I often sacrifice good grammar and proper sentence structure for a conversational style. It's clear that I tend toward quantity rather than quality when it comes to writing. Furthermore, I use words like 'furthermore', 'anyway', and 'also' way too much when I begin sentences. Also, I need an editor. Anyway, I'm ugly.

And skinny.

poop.

See? I need an editor.

I admit it. I'm lucky to have her. So I want to publicly renew my commitment to my crappy blog. Baby, I love you. Let's work this out.

Oh snap.

2007-03-23T14:21:00.000-04:00

"Hi."
"Oh. You're back."
"Yeah...I just wanted to stop by to see how you're doing."
"I'm fine, but I don't have the time or inclination to talk to you. Why don't you go back to your little floozy and leave me alone?"
"Please don't talk like that sugar snap, you know she doesn't mean anything to me."
"Well you could've fooled me with the way you've been cavorting around town with her, and all the while you left me here neglected and lonely."
"She was exciting for a little while sure, but you and I have something deeper. With her I always felt like I had to be a clown. Everything had to have a punch line and she was always judging me. But with you I can be serious and open. I can share everything with you and just be myself...I, I just really want to work this out."
"What makes you think I do? Don't touch me."
"Darling...."
"STAY AWAY!!! I can smell that slut Facebook all over you! Get out of here."

Random Stuff

2007-03-06T22:51:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted anything in a long time. Why? Because facebook is eating up all my spare time. I love it so much....many of you may have already been stalked without knowing it.

I am currently taking a course in microeconomics that is really interesting and I thought I would post a link to a really cool paper we looked at for a problem set. You can find the paper here.

Basically the author looks at assassinations and tries to determine statistically whether a successful assassination attempt has any measurable effect on the political institutions of a country (relative to cases where an assassination attempt failed). Interestingly, in autocratic regimes a successful assassination seems to be associated with an increase in the chance that the country will move toward democracy. In democratic regimes, there was no really strong effect.

Very interesting stuff, but is it really economics? It seems to me that a lot of economics these days involves squatting in other people's fields and using statistics to analyze their data. Didn't we used to call these people statisticians and not economists?

Anyway, I really need to get to bed. We had an exam on Monday and it had been so long since I'd written one that I got completely stressed and didn't sleep the whole night. I'm still messed up.

I encourage all readers to join facebook and add me as a friend. You can also join the MIT micropoker club (it's open to everyone) and witness how I completely dominate the discussion board. Many can exceed my posts in quality, but no one can post as relentlessly and in the sheer quantity that I do.

When I have blogger's block I find it's useful to write nonsense

2007-02-26T20:05:00.000-05:00

So I signed up for facebook.com the other day after a friend of mine suggested it. It's a pretty useful stalking tool.....ahem, I mean it's a great way to rekindle old friendships that have fallen by the wayside.

So far I feel like a bit of a tool though. You don't realize how few friends you have until you find yourself begging some chick who TA'ed you 3 years ago to add you so you don't look like a friendless loser. Also, it's tough to pick which picture you should put up for all the people you grew up with to see. Do I go with a picture that's semi-flattering? Or does that make me look like I'm superficial and trying too hard, which would be self-defeating since it would make me a de facto loser? Maybe I should go with a group photo to make it look like I'm super fun and people want to always hang out with me? Or should I go the arty route and put up a blurry picture with my face obscured? Would that make me look like a poseur, or just gutless?

I ended up going with the photo that makes me look creepy/funny to try to make people think that I'm wacky and indifferent to how I look. But trust me, it's all calculated and phony. So sad that I'm grown man and obsessing about facebook photos.

Anyway, I'm waiting for the treadmill to open up downstairs. I'm going to play trivia in 45 minutes and some girl is hogging my treadmill. I'm going down now, and if she's not gone there's going to be hell to pay.

Last week I bought Micron Technology (MU)

2007-02-19T14:34:00.000-05:00

I have another purchase to share with you. I bought into computer memory manufacturer Micron Technology at $12.59. Here's the idea behind this purchase:

MU is beaten down. Their whole industry is under intense pricing pressure and the stock is trading at around its 52 week low. That being said, at $12.59 it was priced just above book value. The company is a technological innovator, has very little debt, and lots of cash. I also think that long term their business is in a growth area. I can't see myself losing that much on this one....however, as of last Friday it was down to $12.23.

I still have a bit of cash on hand, but barring the appearance of some huge bargain I will make no more stock purchases until the market corrects by ~10%....

Kiwi is the most underrated fruit

2007-02-18T18:56:00.000-05:00

I enjoy a good piece of fruit as much as the next guy. This weekend I picked up some kiwi fruit from the local Star Market for the bargain basement price of 2 for $1. So far I've enjoyed 2 of them, and I really must say that kiwi is the most underrated fruit I can think of.

You really don't hear much about kiwi fruit. It's pretty low profile. It takes a back seat to more prominent fruit like apples, oranges, and bananas, and I find myself asking "why?" because kiwi is really tasty. It keeps better than bananas. Why, why isn't it more popular?!?

Is it because kiwi is not grown locally? I can't believe this is the reason since most produce is imported. I mean, bananas don't grow in Massachusetts but they seem really popular around these parts.

Maybe it's an issue of supply, demand and price. I guess kiwi is a bit more expensive per unit weight than some fruit. But it's much less expensive than many popular fruits like berries. And check it out: at my local Star Market oranges are 2/1$ which is the same unit price as kiwi!!! Needless to say the orange section occupies a far more prominent position in the produce aisle than does the underappreciated kiwi fruit.

My theory regarding the underwhelming popularity of kiwi is that it is simply not as physically beautiful as other fruit. It has this brown furry exterior that isn't really all that appetizing. Oranges and apples and bananas and berries and cherries are all kind of beautiful.....but it's not until the brown fur is peeled away that kiwi's inner beauty becomes apparent.

Why are you people so shallow?

Rebuttal

2007-02-15T18:24:00.000-05:00

This is a rebuttal to my good friend cjs' comment in the post below about how lying would work for a shallow, materialistic girl ....the implication being that it wouldn't work for other types of girls. Au contraire my lovely Albertan blogista, lying works with a wide variety of females. Allow me to give you a few examples:

Hi, I'm a worthless environmentalist who walks around with dirty bare feet talking to trees and being all smug about not owning a car. I only eat grain, algae, and wood chips and I'm really into hacky sacking. Meat is murder.

Wow, you're my dream girl. The planet Earth is our most precious resource. We are all part of an organic whole and it's our duty to act as stewards of the environment for future generations and the poor little furry woodland creatures. Recycling arouses me.

Hi! I'm a wonderfully nice and normal person. I'm kind and pretty and unpretentious and I'm just looking for a regular guy who won't treat me like garbage and/or ruin my life.

Let's go on a date! I have no unaddressed emotional or substance abuse issues to speak of.

I'm sorry, but I'm not really looking for anything serious. I'm just a randy party girl who wants to go wild and crazy and have fun.
I'm worth $49,328,103 and my hockey buddies call me comrade elefante.

I read your crappy blog. You're a liar, a narcissist, and you repulse me.
Everything I write on my blog is pure fiction. It's not the real me. I'm actually quite sensitive and empathetic. Here's a Haiku:
Beautiful woman
I have many emotions
deep inside my heart

cjs.....these exchanges led to 4 of my last 5 girlfriends.

A good way to score with the ladies is to lie to them

2007-02-12T22:45:00.000-05:00

Hi folks. I want to share some tips with those of you who, unlike myself, have problems in the ol' lady department.

I find that a great way to bag chicks is to lie.

Some women are pretty shallow. They want men with jobs, or money, or they want a guy without a "drug and alcohol problem". Let me give you fellows some advice: If you want to mate, then fabricate.

Let me give you a recent example from my own life. You may remember that I have a date this Wednesday. Do you think I got that date on my own merit? Of course not. I am a charmless, 31 year-old, 138 lb monkey-man with no job, dandruff, shin splints and a tattoo of the linux penguin on my barely existent left pectoral. So how did I do it? It's simple, I lied. Here's how the conversation went:

"Excuse me, this is really embarrassing but I'm short 13 cents on my vodka and you look pathetic enough to lend me money."

"Money ain't a thang. I manage a hedge fund."

"Oh cool, thanks. What's a hedge fund?"

"It's where millionaires give me their money. I'm worth $49,421,241."

"Awesome. I'm genetically programmed to be hot for men with lots of resources they could use to provide for my hypothetical children."

"What a coincidence! I'm genetically programmed to attempt to convince women I'm capable of amassing such resources. Are you also into status symbols? Because I drive a Porsche, but it's in the shop."

"Totally! If I'm seen with a man who drives around a turbo-charged, high horse power status symbol it lets other women know that I can attract a high-quality mate, thus increasing my own social status."

"I've never met anyone quite like you. You're such a unique and beautiful individual."

"So are you! I've never felt this way before! I'm mentally-stable, disease-free, and I definitely don't have a violent and jealous ex-boyfriend."

See how easy it is? If I can do it, anyone can.....by the time she figures out that I slightly stretched the truth, she will have already fallen in love with the beautiful 'Apple on the inside'.

born to lose

2007-02-07T23:36:00.000-05:00

Isn't it hilarious how this pig's head goes on and on and on?!? He looks like a conehead only less funny and more tragic....like he suffers from undiagnosed hydrocephalus.Hey buddy, here's a suggestion: wearing a hat, or at least running a comb through that shit, will make you look less like an alien from the X-files and more human.

Hot Date this Valentine's Day

2007-02-07T20:09:00.000-05:00

When I say I'm in love, you best believe I'm in love....L.U.V.
I met her at the liquor store. She works for a direct marketing company, and she's beautiful - I mean stunningly beautiful. There I was browsing the rum selection, and she asked me if she could borrow $0.13 - she didn't have quite enough for the bottle of hooch she was buying and the clerk was being a hard ass about it. Anyway, we started talking about various crap and we really hit it off. I pretended to know about a TV show she likes and she pretended to know where Ottawa is. I've talked to her on the phone a few times since then and we're going out a week from tonight.....lots of pressure, and I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop....I mean is she an ex-con? Does she have a drug problem? Has she got 4 different kids from 4 different baby-daddies? I don't know, but I'll update you as soon as I find out.....I am slightly wary seeing as she has a few open sores, about 10 biker tattoos and, as Groucho Marx said, "I wouldn't belong to any club that would have me." Also, I may or may not have told her I work as a trader for a big hedge fund.

Interesting things:

KRY looks like it's about to make a big move one way or the other.....I could be a thousandaire by this time next week.

There is currently a hunger strike going on on campus.....a prof who was denied tenure is protesting the decision claiming it was motivated by racism......very big news around these parts.

I went to Foxwoods resort and casino this weekend for the second time with some friends. It was much more fun this time as I won $2 instead of losing hundreds. Hand of the day:

I'm in the big blind with 6s 4s. Two callers, the small blind completes, I check. The flop comes 2, 3, 5....all spades! I yell "Oooooh yeaaahhh!!!", simultaneously fart, pump my fist, burp, pee my pants, and start giggling like a little girl on THC.

Everybody takes one look at me and folds. The dealer asks me to leave the table and clean myself off. I do, but not before accidentally crapping my pants and passionately kissing the 64 year old lady to my right. She slapped me, to which I only have 3 words in response: "TOTALLY WORTH IT"

Putting on weight.....

2007-02-01T13:41:00.000-05:00

Up 4lbs. this month

Current Stats:
Weight: 138lbs
Portfolio Value: $49,219,024
Mental Age: 41
Actual Age: 31
Physical Age: 18
Vertical Leap: 192 inches
# girlfriends: 3

Ryan Adams is insane

2007-01-31T22:17:00.000-05:00

"I'm Andy Fiddlesticks, the alligator!"

You must listen to these recordings. Preferably in order.

If you don't have time, then just listen to the first 3 tracks (especially #3) from "The Shit - The Movie", it'll only take 3 minutes........ when a song finishes, just click the next one on the list.

Guitar Hero II - Best video game in the history of the universe

2007-01-31T21:59:00.000-05:00

My roommate got this video game called Guitar Hero II. Basically you use this giant plastic guitar controller to play some rockin' tunes on your TV. You play notes by holding down the correct buttons on the fret board and strumming the strum bar at the right time.

So fun.

You can rock out to such classics as:

Freebird
Search and Destroy
Shout at the Devil
Stop
Sweet Child o' Mine

Dear god....it is so addictive and fun. I like to put on spandex pants and jump around bare chested while I play. I recently acquired a groupie and everything. Unfortunately I have to keep her locked in my room during the day when I'm at the office because she constantly tries to escape. I think she'll start to come around when she sees me finish Mathew Sweet's "Girlfriend" on Hard.

Ecce Homo

2007-01-31T21:48:00.000-05:00

....stole my girlfriend for no reason.

Defrauded!

2007-01-30T15:51:00.000-05:00

I am so embarrassed.

You may recall that I recently purchased some shares in a Canadian goldminer Crystallex (KRY). Well today at work I decided to check up on it shortly after lunch. It had recently taken a beating and fallen from where I bought it ($3.00) to around $2.82 or so. Well I was delighted to see that the share price had skyrocketed in about 5 minutes from the mid $2.80's to almost $3.00! What could be going on? I checked out my favourite finance blog, billcara.com, and found that someone posted a news article from Dow Jones newswire time-stamped at 1pm stating that KRY had received their environmental permit!

Yippee! This is what I had been hoping for! The long awaited permit! The share price was sure to double! Or triple! Perhaps it wasn't too late to buy more shares?!? The news was just released minutes ago!!!

So, fool that I am, I put in a limit order for 300 shares at $3.25. The order was immediately filled at $3.04/share. It was my "lucky" day.

...........except, it turns out the news story was a complete fraud:

Crystallex's Share Price Jumps On Fraudulent News Report

Jan 30, 2007 15:30:00 (ET)

CARACAS (Dow Jones)--A fraudulent news story Tuesday on the Venezuelan operations of Canadian miner Crystallex International Corp. (KRY) pushed the company's share price up nearly 10% before profit-taking pared the gains.

The fake article, which resembled a Dow Jones Newswires report, claimed that Venezuela had at last approved a long-awaited environmental permit for Crystallex to begin exploiting the Las Cristinas gold mine.

The phony report was posted on a Yahoo message board. Shortly after it appeared, Crystallex's share price on the American Stock Exchange rose as high as 9.3% to $3.07 before the gains were trimmed. The stock stood at $2.96 per share, up 6.1%, at 3:23 p.m. EST.

Crystallex officials have denied the report. "As of now we're just fielding questions from investors," said Richard Marshall, vice president of investor relations for Crystallex. The company has yet to decide on other actions such as contacting the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, he said. "We'll bring it up with our board and to (legal) counsel to see what we can do."

The bogus story included a fabricated quote attributed to Venezuelan Mining Minister Jose Khan.

-By Raul Gallegos, Dow Jones Newswires; 58-212-564-1339; raul.gallegos@dowjones.com

KRY is currently trading back down at $2.88 and I am $60 poorer.....or wiser (depending on how you look at it). I have learned three very important lessons:

1. Price action, even the high volume price action that happened today, may not mean anything.
2. Never trust anything people post on the internet about a stock, even when it is supported by an observable price movement in the market.
3. I am a moron.

Buying on margin

2007-01-27T14:37:00.000-05:00

It's no wonder that stocks have enjoyed a huge bull run for the past 4 years.....banks and brokerages are willing to lend any skid thousands of dollars to invest on the market. With so much easy credit I'm sure that a large portion of the rising equity prices are a simple result of lots and lots of dollars chasing limited financial assets.

Case in point. I have an account with an online brokerage. This is what they know about me:

My age
Where I live
The fact I am a student (but not my school or what I study)
The fact that my total liquid assets total less than $10,000, er I mean $49,123,457
The fact that I have essentially $0 in non-liquid assets (like houses and cars)
The fact that my yearly income is less than $25,000

Despite these less than stellar stats, I currently have margin purchasing power that is greater than the total value of the assets I hold in my brokerage account. That means they are willing to lend a penniless skid money (to buy risky securities) that totals more than he has in equity.

That being said, I would have to be a complete moron to buy stocks on margin considering the %10.25 interest rate they charge. These people are leeches.

I have the most worthless readership of any blog in the blogosphere

2007-01-27T14:27:00.000-05:00

You would think that, with millions and millions of readers worldwide™, when I publish a cry for help regarding my painful shin splints that at least a dozen readers would jump at the opportunity to help me out. Many of my readers are medical professionals, physical therapists, scientists, mechanical engineers, and countless other varieties of annoying brainiac, and yet one sole individual offered me advice.

I give and give and give and you take, take, take......and then in my moment of need, when I ask for a little bit of reciprocation I find myself deserted.

You are all disinvited from my blog-party. Go away.

Here is a t-shirt I am definitely buying

2007-01-24T20:10:00.000-05:00

You can get it from Gawker.com

Shin Splint

2007-01-24T17:29:00.000-05:00

I have problem with shin splints on my left leg. Weird that it would be the left leg only.....I am wondering if it has something to do with the fact that in the winter I run on a treadmill and not outside. I rested it over the entire Christmas break and it healed up, but now that I am running again I can feel it starting to re-develop. I will try cutting back from 6 to 5 days/week and see if that helps. I may also force myself to run outside.....

If anyone has some tips on avoiding shin splints please comment......

Crystallex (KRY)

2007-01-24T17:17:00.000-05:00

Today I bought 3 units of Crystallex....a Canadian gold miner. This is a pure gamble. I bought in at $3.00 US. They currently have the rights to the Las Cristinas deposit in Venezuela which is one of the richest (if not the richest) unmined gold deposits in the world. The potential problems with them are twofold:
1. They are waiting on an environmental permit before they can commence operations. In the meantime, they burn cash.
2. Venezuela is a political hot potato these days because of Hugo Chavez's propensity to piss off the USA and his socialist leanings. Recently they've nationalized the oil and telecom industries....so there's some fear that they will do the same to mining.

I think the main concern is #1. My feeling is that concern #2 is, if not unwarranted, at least overstated. I believe that mining is already nationalized and that this is priced into the stock. Venezuela owns the Las Cristinas deposit, not KRY. KRY just has the mining rights. Furthermore, even though Chavez nationalized the oil industry there are still many western oil companies doing business in Venezuela, so business with the Venezuelans can't be that bad.

I'll know by the spring if this was a good buy....

Wow.

2007-01-23T00:45:00.000-05:00

I just spent half an hour writing a really funny post and then took it down after about 3 minutes because I got cold feet. It used easily misinterpreted language and er, imagery. This is not really an anonymous blog and I need to be careful. I laughed really hard while I wrote it though. I am a bad person.

Financial Blogging

2007-01-17T21:42:00.000-05:00

I have recently jumped into the exciting world of investing. This month I opened an account with the online discount brokerage Etrade, and wired the bulk of my net worth ($49,123,457) into said account. I've decided to blog any trades I make. This is boring for you the reader, I know, but it forces me to express my investment ideas and think through my reasoning before I do anything rash.

At the end of the day when my finances are in shambles and I sit at a bar spending my last $20 on shots of Jack Daniels tearfully mumbling "How could this have happened?" I will at least have a well-documented record to answer my own rhetorical question.

First trade was executed earlier this month:

I bought 1.25 units of Silver Wheaton (SLW) at $9.00. SLW is a silver miner that buys the silver stream production of other mining companies and sells it on the open market. Apparently gold miners like to do this because there is pressure by investors for them to remain unhedged to gold. By selling their silver production via long-term fixed price contracts they can use this revenue to hedge (i.e. to protect themselves against fluctuations in metal prices) while maintaining the appearance of being unhedged to gold investors.

Why I bought:
I believe we are in an environment that is favourable for precious metals. Inflation seems to be a real concern and since interest rates seem to be staying fairly constant, that means real interest rates are at risk of declining. The economy also seems to be at risk of entering recession which, from what I gather, is historically associated with falling real interest rates. Precious metal stocks are reasonably priced relative to the price of the metals themselves. Furthermore, silver is a metal with many, many industrial applications and demand currently exceeds supply. SLW is a bet that this year silver prices will increase.

What scares me:
SLW doesn't really seem to have a competitive advantage other than a close relationship with Goldcorp. I mean, what's to stop somebody else from coming in and buying up contracts and eating SLW's market share? What makes them so special? On the other hand, they only have about 4 employees and several long term contracts, so I assume they can stay profitable as long as silver prices are reasonable....so I think there is a limited potential for catastrophe.

I Reluctantly Withdraw My Offer To Mate

2007-01-17T21:39:00.000-05:00

Due to the underwhelming response to my post of January 10, I have decided to withdraw the offer.

Total genuine applications received: 0
Number of rather cruel joke applications received: 1

It isn't funny to toy with a man's emotions.

Attention fertile human females!

2007-01-10T21:33:00.000-05:00

I have decided to mate.

Please send a thorough medical and sexual history, a CV, several recent full-body photographs, a credit report, and your 2 most recent tax returns to the email address at the bottom of the page. I will reply to all suitably qualified applicants.

Aloha readers....

2007-01-10T20:59:00.000-05:00

I just got back from beautiful Hawaii. I was on Maui for a conference, and let me say it is the most beautiful place I've ever been. I had a chance to explore a bit and I was really impressed. Maui is essentially two mountains with a valley in the middle. The valley part is gorgeous. There are beautiful beaches etc..., but the mountains are the really impressive part.

Sunday I drove around the mountainous region in the northwest part of the island near Kapalua (where there was a golf tournament going on). It was stunning. It was also scary as hell. There was about a 10 mile portion of the trip where you are driving on a narrow winding road (wide enough for 1 car) that hugs cliffs. There are no guard rails and there are literally big fallen rocks in the middle of the road. If you meet another car you need to find a place wide enough to pull over and let the other person squeeze past. The sights are amazing, although if you ever do it make sure you're sober because there are craaazy drops and if you ever went off the road you would be dead for sure.

Monday my flight left late at night, so in the morning I went up to the other mountain which is also a national park (Haleakala). You can literally drive up to the summit of the mountain which is over 10000 feet above sea level. At the summit you can look down on a big crater that has been created by erosion. It looks like the planet Mars. You can see cinder cones created by the volcanic activity and, even though it wasn't a clear day, I could see the entire island and two adjacent islands as well. Absolutely thrilling stuff. I hiked around on some trails on Haleakala and brought home two rocks as souvenirs.

On my flight into Hawaii there was an incident aboard my plane. I sat down beside some old lady who was chowing down on a big bag of McDonalds food. After finishing, and shortly before takeoff, she excused herself to go to the washroom. Then after having sat down again, she decided she needed to excuse herself for round 2. At this point we are about 4th in line to take off and the flight attendant starts screaming at this lady to sit down. She tells her the bathroom is locked because we're about to take off. The lady starts yelling back because she is having a Big mac attack and eventually pushes past the attendant and barges into the bathroom. The flight attendant starts banging on the door yelling "We're going to have to go back to the gate! We're going to lose our place in line!" She radios the cockpit and the captain comes on the intercom telling people to sit down and put their seat belts on. Meanwhile the old lady is yelling that she'll be out in a minute. A short time later, she emerges and I get up to let her into her seat. As she walks past me I'm overwhelmed by the pungent scent of human shit.

She. shit. her. pants.

But the good folks at United Airlines will be happy to know that we took off on time. It only cost an old woman her dignity and me a rather unpleasant 5 hour flight to Kahului. Of course after take off the old bat didn't get up to clean herself off or anything. No, she just pretended that nothing happened and ordered a ginger ale to sip on while she stewed in her own feces. She also kept putting on hand cream. I think she thought it would mask the smell. It didn't. After we landed, she wrapped her coat around her waist and hurried off the plane. On my way to pick up my bag, I overheard a couple remark about the "bad gas" that someone on the flight had. I said nothing.

Happy New Year

2007-01-02T12:12:00.000-05:00

2007 is a new year and a new start.

Life is better when you're optimistic.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-24T23:40:00.000-05:00

I'm off to midnight Mass, but first I'd like to wish my millions and millions of readers worldwide a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! My father just offered me a drink before we leave but my mother won't let me have any more whiskey. Why? Because I've already had 2 and she's worried I'll embarrass her. She also made me chew some gum. OK - I have to go......I love you all....

Surgery was a success.

2006-12-22T11:00:00.000-05:00

I'm in a bit of pain, but I'm recuperating well here at my parents' place in Ottawa. I get the stitches out next week. I still look kind of swollen and gruesome but once I heal I can't wait to go out on the town looking and feeling absolutely fabulous. I'm especially looking forward to my trip to Hawaii in January! Imagine how eyes will bulge and tongues will wag as I parade my fabulous new breasts down the sandy South Pacific beaches......

I think the drive for continual self-improvement is noble.

In other news, I have moved the bulk of my assets off the equities market and into my Party Poker account. The economic data seems to indicate that we are heading for very slow economic growth and possibly a recession in the new year. These indicators, combined with the overvaluation of securities (which will only be exacerbated as current record profit levels regress to the mean), tell me that a significant downturn is in the cards for the stock market. I didn't become the 17th wealthiest man in Canada by ignoring the data folks. Buy and hold is for suckers.

None of you have sent me flowers or even a get well soon card.

Sorry to my millions and millions of fans....

2006-12-18T23:52:00.000-05:00

I haven't had a chance to update lately. I'm busy prepping for my plastic surgery and then getting ready to go home for Xtinamas and also prepping for my conference in Hawaii in the new year. I really feel like this procedure is going to turn my life around! I'm scared but excited.

What a drag!

2006-12-13T00:25:00.000-05:00

I lost a fortune yesterday on the equities market.

By "equities market" I mean online poker.

By fortune I mean $25.

Probably I am a' gonna retool this blog. If you are a reader with a blog and want me to link to you, leave a comment anonymously saying "Have you read blog X? It is much better than your blog." Some blogs are ****in' cut. eddiegillis.blogspot.com is gone since he hasn't updated in about a year. Some other people are gone since they graduated. cjsimo, you are safe for the time being - but there will be no more vacations to Europe or you are gone. Nick, you are on the bubble due to infrequent updates, but not cut yet. Poker guy is cut. I am fairly ruthless.

I broke the Commonwealth of Massachusetts land speed record today on my skateboard.

Just kidding - skateboards are lame and strictly for snot-nosed adolescents and man-children who refuse to accept how old they are.

Thank God.

2006-12-08T10:51:00.000-05:00

Please let this ridiculous debate be over. The thing that concerns me most about the Conservative party is their tendency to pander to so-called "social conservatives". Anything that breaks those ties is good for the country.

Please, please, please.....

2006-12-07T01:08:00.000-05:00

The opinions expressed by the Hitch do not necessarily reflect those of Mr. Apple, the Apples Over America blog, or AOA International Inc.

Now - I'm begging you. Please ask your pagan Earth mother voodoo goddess to stop bludgeoning my insides.

Classic Hitchens.....

2006-12-06T17:50:00.000-05:00

Behold the wisdom of the Hitch.

Alexis you are worthless

2006-12-05T22:03:00.000-05:00

If I don't get those pictures in electronic format in 3 days I am putting your dog to sleep.

Dion has it!

2006-12-02T14:51:00.000-05:00

Rae is out and Dion has moved up to 1st.....that means it's over. There's no way Ignatieff will take more of Rae's people than Dion. French English French English French English......the Liberals are so predictable.

Very Interesting Stuff at the Liberal Leadership Convention

2006-12-02T13:16:00.000-05:00

So there have been two ballots - and we're currently down to three decidedly unimpressive candidates. Ignatieff is still in the lead, but I really can't see any scenario where he gets 50% + 1. It's basically between Rae and Dion, but since Kennedy has thrown his support to Dion I think he will probably be the next leader. My buddy at the convention is a Dion supporter, so he will be very happy.

Would Dion have a chance to beat Harper? Yes, I think so because les Quebecois will vote for him. He definitely has a better chance against Harper than Ignatieff, but as crazy it sounds I think Rae would have the best shot. Will anybody west of Ontario vote for Dion? The guy can barely speak English. His environmentalism is not going to resonate with voters the way everybody seems to think it will. If I were a Liberal delegate right now who wanted to win the next election, I'd hold my nose and vote for Bob Rae.

Ignatieff is not Canadian

2006-12-01T20:49:00.000-05:00

He sounds like somebody stuck a big red New England lobster up his ass. Does anyone in Canada have that accent? No. It is a Boston Brahman accent. He is not Canadian. No one will vote for this guy. I hope he wins. It would be ****in' priceless.

Bob Rae's speech was good.....I am calling the election for Rae. Hilarious. Rae leading the Liberals? Twilight zone......

I Finally Did It

2006-12-01T13:57:00.000-05:00

I got my hair cut. The never-ending drama is finally over. How do I look? Very, very good.

When my sister emails me my photos I will post one so you can see what I used to look like. I won't post any current photos since that would make it much too hard for people to look past my beauty and take my thoughts and opinions seriously.

Good Liberals

2006-11-28T21:54:00.000-05:00

The Liberal party leadership convention is this weekend in Montreal......my friend is going as a delegate and I am a bit jealous since it seems that this will be a very interesting convention.

Stephan Dion currently has the momentum. All candidates have serious electability problems. I feel that only Dion has a prayer of winning the next election - but even so his chances are slim.

Unfortunately none of the candidates are liberal at all in the classical sense of the word. Canadian politics is depressing, but not as depressing as American politics.

Gentlemen wear jackets

2006-11-24T13:25:00.000-05:00

I used to be like many of you. I often wore denim and sweat-shirts. I used to have tee-shirts plastered with juvenile cartoons or corporate slogans. I used to wear baseball caps and, to my eternal shame, I often even wore them indoors! But gradually I grew to realize that if I wanted others to hold me in the same irrationally high esteem with which I hold myself that I would need to dress the part. And so I threw out my baseball caps, bought some woolen trousers, grew a mighty moustache, started smoking a pipe, and most importantly, obtained a fine Harris tweed jacket for casual day-to-day wear.

Great man William Faulkner relaxes at home with a cool flavourful smoke, a comfortable tweed jacket, and a startling moustache.

The jacket or sport coat is absolutely fundamental to any gentleman's wardrobe. It gives a man an air of dignity and, if properly fitted, flatters the figure. It protects against the elements and typically has several useful pockets where the gentleman may carry his bill-fold, pipe, pipe tobacco, and snacks. Particularly useful is a discreet interior pocket in the jacket lining where one may secret one's hip flask when unfortunate enough to be in the company of the narrow-minded busybody or clucking moralist.

A proper jacket should be of a dark, neutral colour; lighter colours may be worn during the warm summer months, but I wouldn't go any swishier than a desert ecru or possibly a tasteful slate grey. Flashy colours are strictly for parade grand marshals or the clownish talking heads of sporting event commentary. Personally I have a navy blazer and a rust-brown tweed jacket with another brown corduroy sport coat on order. I may also ask my tailor to fit me for a MacDonald of Clan Ranald tartan jacket for hot dates. Any broadly similar selection of jackets would, of course, be sufficient for most sartorial requirements.

For God's sake resist the urge to wear suits. Unless you are forced to deal with boorish stuffed shirts on Wall Street then suits are for weddings and funerals and nothing else. Formal occasions require a proper dinner jacket and black tie, not a suit. For all other occasions free thinkers and libertines like myself prefer the comfort, dignity, and flexibility afforded by the sport coat over the constrictive uniform of pale-faced patent attorneys and robotic corporate bean counters.

That is all.

Hello Canadians!

2006-11-22T22:31:00.000-05:00

I am currently visiting your country! It's cold and your money is strange.

The lyrics I posted below are for a song called "Firecracker" by Ryan Adams. What a great song! I have this great acoustic version of him singing it in Michigan and it sometimes gives me a lump in my throat to listen to it. It struck me as I got on the plane to leave Boston that the lines at the end about the plane going down might have been bad luck.....thank god your Canadian pilots are well-trained because I landed safely despite that bad karma.

If I can get a digital camera from my little sister I am going to take picture of my hair for posterity and then cut it so I look respectable again. If there are any objections, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Canada ho!

2006-11-21T20:33:00.000-05:00

Black bird slow and softly breaks a glass of wine
Broken bluesy whisper sing to me tonight

Well, everybody wants to go forever
I just wanna burn up hard and bright
I just wanna be your firecracker
And maybe be your baby tonight
Maybe be your baby tonight

Lady, your kicks of silence cough into your room
Kiss me slow and softly make me dream of you

Well, everybody wants to go forever
I just wanna burn up hard and bright
I just wanna be your firecracker
And maybe be your baby tonight
Maybe be your baby tonight

So when does the plane go down
'Cause I'm gonna ride it till it hits the ground
Then go out with a fight
'Cause I just wanna be your baby tonight

It is your duty to smoke

2006-11-21T01:07:00.000-05:00

Link.

What is more important - individual freedom, or health and safety? I think this is actually a very profound question. I would argue that, while it is of course important to find a balanced middle ground, at the end of the day freedom is more important and freedom is currently being trampled on by shoddy science and political correctness. Have we become so precious that a bit of tobacco smoke is too much for us to handle? Must we cry and whimper to the police state if a smoker dares to light up anywhere in our general vicinity? Oh police!!!! Come ticket this nasty smoker! My asthma! My precious pink lungs!!!! Woe!

If you value personal freedom, it is your duty to enjoy the occasional smoke. I'm telling you - it is your ****ing duty. Stem the tide. This is serious. The world is full of people and institutions that want to control you and they are generally all evil. Government, religions, environmentalist whackjobs, political ideologues......they're all the same.

When government wants to limit our freedom, they should be imposed with a very heavy burden of proof that the limitation is necessary. Marginal statistical correlations regarding the health effects of second hand smoke (that might very well simply constitute noise in the data) are not enough. When did we get so compliant? Everyone should be concerned about this whether they smoke or not.

P.S. I can't sleep because hockey makes me wired.

P.P.S. I think Chan broke up with me tonight.

P.P.P.S. I think I am turning into a nutcase

Nap time

2006-11-20T11:24:00.000-05:00

Hello little ones,

I am so sore today, you would not believe it. I played hockey last night, and after the game one of the teams playing after us was short players and asked me to stick around. Foolishly, I did. It's a good thing I have been blessed with such a naturally powerful physique, because I have to play again tonight. I'm betting that my fabulous muscles should be able to power through any residual stiffness and soreness, but just in case I am going to take a 20 minute nap after lunch.

I have been reading articles on the benefits of napping, and I've decided to try it. Apparently it improves cognitive function, lowers stress, is good for your heart etc...

I can just imagine all of you grumpy people out there with real jobs getting all jealous and squawking and grousing about how lazy I am and how I'd never be able to nap in the real world.

Well it's not my fault you don't play baseball.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz..............

Current Stats

2006-11-14T21:16:00.000-05:00

Height: 6'1"
Weight: 220 lbs.
Scientology level: Clear
high note: C sharp
big muscle ratio: 9.3
cranium circumference: 24.7"
overall attractiveness to women: high
Jesus quotient: 0.62

I am not very good at hockey

2006-11-14T01:04:00.000-05:00

I played my first game of the young hockey season tonight and I wasn't at the top of my game. Not to make excuses, but it had been a long while since I had played, my skates were dull, and I forgot to put in my contacts. Also, even though I have a youthful twinkle in my eye and a jaunty spring in my step, I am quite old and creaky. I was hoping to get out and play in a lower-level league before tonight to kind of get back into the groove, but I never got the chance. Damn.

In other news, I have had some very tasteful nude photographs of myself taken. They make wonderful use of shading, colour, and perspective, and are really quite artistic. I have decided not to post them though. I have taken great pains to grow my hair, groom my moustache, and alter my style of dress in order to avoid detection by my many enemies, and I'm not about to risk everything just so you perverts can have a peak at my John Thomas.

Municipal reform

2006-11-14T00:20:00.000-05:00

I was listening to the CBC earlier tonight to find out who won the municipal election in Ottawa. Turns out Larry O'Brien kicked some Munter and Chiarelli ass. I think he will be a good mayor. He obviously has a lot of management experience from Calian, and he seems quite conservative when it comes to financial matters. The best part of the night though, was listening to Janet Stavinga (an ex-council member) talking about the election returns. She was rooting for Alex Munter and was in total denial that he was going to lose. O'Brien is running away with the thing by thousands of votes, way over half the polls have reported, and Stavinga is clucking about how it all depends on which wards have reported etc...

Dream on sweetheart.

Anyway, after it became impossible to deny that O'Brien had won she started yammering about his neolithic policies on taxation and his lack of experience etc... To be quite honest, I think she was flustered and she wasn't making a whole lot of sense. In fact, I'm not sure she was speaking in sentences so much as stringing together random words that she'd absorbed osmotically over her 10+ year career in municipal politics, "Indeed, fiscal.....taxation......programs......move forward....experience....the residents don't appreciate, indeed.....responsibility....indeed....."

I think there should be a law that only lets politicians serve in municipal government for 2 terms like the US president. Then maybe we could get rid of some of the wretches who permanently ensconce themselves on municipal councils and plague us every time we so much as open the local news section of the paper or show up at a community barbecue. If they get comfortable, they'll get corrupt. What a joke it is to suggest that you need all kinds of experience to be a municipal politician. Judging by the quality of the average councilperson I'd say the main qualification is phoniness, an inflated sense of self-importance, and a willingness to spend other people's money. A term limit would encourage leaders to make correct decisions rather than popular decisions, and hopefully would attract people who aim to serve their communities rather than to land a comfortable job.

Term limits for municipal politicians! Who's with me?

The Dutch have gone nuts

2006-11-12T13:58:00.000-05:00

Dutch to ban Muslim Veils

This seems to me to be an unwarranted trampling of individual rights. The Dutch normally seem so civilized.....

I highly recommend The Shins

2006-11-09T22:57:00.000-05:00

New Shins in the new year. Based on the songs I've heard, it is really good. If you can find the track "Australia" anywhere online, download it. Most places have had to take it down, but I stole it before it disappeared so if you can't find it email me and I'll hook you up. Can't wait to pick this one up.....

I'm back and life could not be more depressing....

2006-11-06T20:39:00.000-05:00

....I forgot to cut my hair. I am sick of being a hippie. Granola makes me sick to my stomach, hemp clothes irritate my skin, I want to wash my hair regularly again, and If I have to listen to one more Joanna Newsom song I'm going to throw myself out a window. I'm living the dream kids, but it's become a nightmare.

Anyway, it's midterm election day tomorrow. I hereby endorse the Democratic Party in every race. And don't forget to vote "YES!" as many times as they'll let you for proposition1 - you know, the question about being able to buy booze at grocery stores and kindergartens. Vote for more freedom, more choice, and easier wine access for those of us forced to hoof it to the store in the middle of winter just to get our daily fix...er, I mean aperitif.

Oh god, that reminds me....the lamest magazine in the world is En Route (the Air Canada in-flight rag). That magazine is for self-indulgent, soft-bellied loungers and no one else. You know the type: people who call themselves oenophiles or actually use the term foodie as anything other than a euphemism for glutton. Blergh.....it churns my stomach. No joke, there was actually an article about a spa treatment where they wrap you like sushi in seaweed and other ingredients and then roll you in sesame seeds. Huh? I'm supposed to pay for this? Seems a bit fishy.

Ha! I kill me!

I wonder where they stick the wasabi?!?!!! Hey Hoooooo!

Ask Mr. Apple......

2006-11-02T00:00:00.000-05:00

Holy schnikies compadres, it's finally time for another installment of the least read question-answer/advice column on the internet......Ask Mr. Apple!

Dear Mr. Apple,
I recently saw the post where you provided us with your "current stats" and I'm a touch incredulous about some of the "stats" you quoted. For starters, you list a personal best in the shotput of 112m....but as far as I know, the world record of 23.12 m is held by Randy Barnes of the USA. Second, you claim to have run a 3:56 minute mile that would put you close to the NCAA collegiate record of 3:55:11, and yet you've never run so much as a timed weekend "fun run", let alone in an NCAA track meet. Third, you claim to have 0% body fat, which if it were true would almost certainly be fatal. I can only assume that the height, weight, and net worth figures you quoted are similarly exaggerated. Are you really so desperate for approval that you have to lie to us?
Yours,
A skeptical reader

Dear skeptical reader,

Frankly, I'm insulted by your insinuations. Comparing my 112 m shotput to Randy Barnes' world record is like comparing apples to oranges (no pun intended). Olympic rules specify that the throw will be measured from the the circumference of the circle from which it is thrown to the first mark made by the shot. CSAIL olympics rules specify the measurement will be made from the point of release to where the shot comes to a full stop. This means that distances are slightly inflated since the shot is allowed to roll. Would my throw have broken Barnes' record under Olympic rules? I humbly refuse to speculate.....but for the historical record may I present the local athletics field where I made my 112m throw:
Now I'd like to address your remark about my sub-4 minute mile. Again, comparing my 3:56 mile to the NCAA record of 3:55:11 is not really fair. While it's true I run like lightning, my 3:56 mile was wind-adjusted. During my epic mile, my associate timed me running at an average speed of 7mph. Unfortunately, there was a gentle breeze of approximately 8.3mph blowing directly into my face. After wind adjustment that makes my average speed 7+8.3 = 15.3mph, which translates into a 3:56 mile.

I don't think I need to dignify the rest of your slander with a response.
Yours,
Mr. Apple

Dear Mr. Apple,

Mister, you're on fire Mister.

Sincerely,
Creepy tall guy in the middle

No sir, I'm ok.

Yours,
Mr. Apple

Dear Mr. Apple,

My friend Natalie Portman and I were having an argument yesterday. I claimed that it can objectively be said that you are sexier than Jake Gylenhaal. Natalie disagreed and said that, while we both find you incredibly sexy (and much sexier than Mr. Jake Gylenhaal), sexiness is a subjective experience of each individual, and therefore no objective statements about how sexy you are can be made. Do you agree?

Love,
Chan

Dear Chan,

Your friend N. Portman is spewing pure nonsense. This line of reasoning is why some long-haired hippie can get up in front of a group of people, defecate in his hand, smear it all over his face whilst doing yoga, and call it "art". You'll find that people who make arguments like this are usually glassy-eyed mouth-breathers with no other way of defending their own poor taste.

There are objective standards for almost everything Chan. The problem is that we aren't always qualified to evaluate how well something measures up to those standards or even to identify what those standards are. For example, what is General Electric worth? I haven't a clue, but I'm guessing a lot. Even the finest business minds in the world have no absolute way of knowing exactly what its value is, so does that mean it's value is subjective? No it does not. Different people will come to different conclusions via different paths of reasoning about what one share of GE is worth, but that share does have a true value. When all available information is integrated into a single price on the stock exchange, we get a noisy measurement of the true value. Over time, as more data is collected, we get a better measure of GE's value and we can confidently make statements of fact like "General Electric is a more valuable company than Al's Steak House". So too, in the world of science, we are able to make objective statements about the value of particular lines of research. Trained individuals with expertise and experience form a kind of market of ideas and over time the information in this market lets us make non-normative statements like "Darwin's theory of evolution represents a greater scientific advance than the invention of Nutra Sweet." A diet soda-loving fundamentalist Christian in Kansas might disagree. But if she had the perspective afforded by years of study and experience in evolutionary biology she might be able to see the bigger picture and form the connections necessary to appreciate her error. The fact that she doesn't make these connections doesn't make her any less wrong.

This analysis applies to art and beauty as well, Chan. More people currently enjoy the music of the grotesque and crass Fergie than that of rock'n'roll legends the Bay City Rollers. But the greatness of art is not a popularity contest. Accomplished musicians, poets, serious critics and academics appreciate the skill required to make the art, they can assess the impact and influence it has, they observe its depth and profundity of feeling, and they assess how the music and words are integrated into a beautiful and harmonious whole. They can do all this because of their expertise and experience. A few of these learned individuals may disagree, but the general trend and underlying truth will reveal itself in time, and 100 years from now they will say with utter confidence "That Fergie song 'My Humps' really sucked, but the Bay City Rollers were keen - especially that song Saturday Night. S! A! T-U-R! D-A-Y! Night!"

Dissent is good! Dissent brings new ideas and opinions to the market which, upon further examination by the community of experts, may survive and thrive. Weaker memes exposed to scrutiny will ultimately die out. The idea I'm trying to convey, Chan, is that the market of ideas in a community of knowledgeable and experienced individuals can, over time, convert the subjective experiences of many individuals into an objective measure of truth! The markets are the shadows on the wall of the cave! Over time, if we pay close attention, we can come to know the reality they represent! Cultures change, the fortunes of aesthetic ideals wax and wane, so Gylenhaal getting more chicks now means nothing! History will vindicate us Chan! Call me. And tell Natalie to call me too.

Yours,
Mr. Apple

Whew!!!! Well, that was a long one kids! I think we're all glad that's over with. Anyway, I should have been reviewing a paper instead of writing that crap, and I'm off to Ottawa Friday for a weekend of booze and babes, so don't expect any updates from me for a while. Remember that I love you all, and although every once in a while I've got to ramble, I always come back to you in the end.

It's a squeaker!

2006-10-30T19:08:00.000-05:00

Wow! The latest numbers are in, and boy is it a squeaker! The nays have it so far by 1 vote to 0, but at this juncture it is far too close to call. We have volunteers manning my internet conducting exit polls. One voter, when asked how he voted, replied "I voted Nay because I like my hair and don't want to cut it."

Turnout is low so far, but representatives of both sides in the campaign say they expect things to pick up later this evening, with continued momentum building tomorrow. An opinion poll conducted earlier today by Angus Reid would seem to indicate that this optimism is misplaced, as voter apathy is at an all-time high. When internet users were asked their take on the issue, 62% called it "a particularly distasteful and pitiful example of self-indulgent blogging onanism", and 28% responded "Mr. who?"

Polls close tomorrow at 5pm.

Vote to save my ponytail

2006-10-29T20:33:00.000-05:00

That's right. My ponytail is gonna get chopped off - unless you care enough to save it. Today I went to Downtown Crossing to talk to my stylist. She mapped out a whole new "fashion forward" look for me, based on the style of my favourite living journalist/polemicist, Christopher Hitchens:

I'm on board with the jowls, the tweed, the cigarettes, and the shirts unbuttoned to 6 inches above the navel. Unfortunately, part of the fashion-forward roadmap involves a Hitchens-style haircut. We argued forever about it, but finally I agreed that if public opinion was onside, I would get my hair cut in Ottawa next weekend.

Save my ponytail. Hitch would want it that way.

Holy $h!t

2006-10-29T20:17:00.000-05:00

Moderate alcohol consumption (2-3 drinks/day) is already known to protect your heart. Now there's a new study suggesting it protects your brain too!?! Could my lifestyle be any more %$&ing healthy? Here's the article.

Today's "Chat with Mr. Apple" was a miserable failure.

2006-10-28T23:02:00.000-04:00

I sat in front of my laptop for 4 hours with MSN messenger running and not one of my "Millions and millions of readers worldwide"™ logged on to chat with me.

Thinking of washing my hair

2006-10-25T23:21:00.000-04:00

It's been almost 4 weeks since I washed it. It looks pretty gross and if you touch it, it feels like you're petting a squid. Also, my whole head smells like Canola oil or something. My pillow has a big oil slick on it like the newspaper they wrap fried fish in.

Imagine a guy who comes home every night and then goes and runs around for 30-40 minutes and sweats buckets and then showers, but doesn't apply soap to his greasy head!?!?!!!

This type of behaviour can only be described as obsessive and bizarre. I have this problem where once I start doing something I never want to stop. That's why my hair is past my shoulders now even though I hate hippies and don't play in a rock band. People get stranger as they age. Tomorrow, I lather.

A great achievement

2006-10-25T13:45:00.000-04:00

Check out the quiz HERE.

It tests you to see how consistent your belief system is. I am amazed to report that I have 0% tension - meaning my belief system is pretty damn consistent. I have decided that everyone should try to live according to a well-reasoned personal philosophy, otherwise you are just a lab rat or a dairy cow.

what is the meaning of life?

2006-10-22T01:35:00.000-04:00

reproduction.

Married people are a minority in the U.S.

2006-10-17T00:20:00.000-04:00

I read it today in the NYT. Married people are a minority for the first time (ever?) in a long time. People don't get married. Why? I have some theories:

1. We live in a selfish culture. Marriage and family involve sacrifice that many people are not willing to make. Not saying this is bad, but it's true.
2. Marriage does not make pragmatic or economic sense for many people. The probability of divorce is high. The economic costs of divorce are also very high. For people who have no compulsion to reproduce (see #1) there is very little marginal utility to the acquisition of a spouse. In a world where both people are typically required to work and where common-law relationships are not discouraged, marriage has become an anachronism. At one time a large part of marriage involved an implicit contract (division of labour etc..) between a couple that would allow the family unit to function. Today that notion has been obscolesced by economic realities. Boo ya.
3. Speaking of economic realities.....people these days establish themselves in stable careers much later in life. This may also be a factor.
4. The decline of religion's influence on people's lives.
5. Standards are waaaay too high. After 1 date 90% of girls stop returning your phone calls even if you call them like 12 times a day. The girls who do return calls usually only say "Stop calling me!" and then hang up.
6. Other guys always making you look bad by making fun of the way you throw a football.
7. Most people can't see past the ponytail, long dirty finger nails, Japanese anime collection, and multiple felony convictions to the beautiful person inside.

Some girls like it when you call them "sweetheart"...

2006-10-17T00:19:00.000-04:00

...but some girls don't.

A worse affectation than pipe smoking....

2006-10-16T14:47:00.000-04:00

....is displayed by those people who go jogging with batman utility belts and full body armor. I saw a girl today running with fancy running clothes on, sunglasses bouncing off the bridge of her nose, an MP3 player clutched in her left hand, a device strapped to her arm which I assume monitors her heart rate and vital signs, and a bottle of water in her right hand. Hey sweetheart, are you running across the Gobi desert or something? If the answer is no, then why not leave some of the accessories at home?

Possibly I am going crazy

2006-10-15T00:41:00.000-04:00

I have not washed my hair in over 2 weeks. Chemicals are bad and natural oils get stripped etc.. My hair is exceptionally greasy, but has been getting better recently. Do normal people do shit like this? Probably not, let's face it.

Greek Philosophers were so full of it

2006-10-12T00:39:00.000-04:00

I'm re-reading a couple books I bought a few years ago when I was having a tough time and was trying to convince myself to keep a stiff upper lip. They are Epictetus' Four Discourses. He was a stoic who said the only thing we truly have control of is our moral purpose. Not coincidentally, Mr. Epictetus valued the correct application of said moral purpose above all else. What is correct application of one's moral purpose? As far as I can tell, it means you act like a complete lunatic. For example, let's say someone wanted to imprison and torture Epictetus unless he performed in some play that he considered demeaning. Well Epictetus would say something ridiculous like,

"Imprison my paltry body if you must, but you'll never chain my moral purpose!"

Well how about I cut your head off then?

"When did I ever claim mine was the only head that couldn't be sliced off?"

Oh God.....spare me. Your inflexibility is admirable in a weird way, but you're not much of a pragmatist are you? **CHOP**

Basically he comes across as a non-violent fundamentalist madman. Nothing material has any value, including his own life. It's interesting to read the guy's thoughts and see how he builds up his ideas around totally false premises (for example, how God created everything in the natural world - like body parts - to perfectly fit some preordained purpose). Of course he didn't know about evolution at the time, and he didn't know that the neurons that were the source of his moral purpose would get lopped off with his neck, so we can't really blame him. But imagine if this kind of philosophy ever took hold? Imagine the horrors you could justify if you dismissed real, physical suffering and the only thing you valued was something as abstract and nebulous asyour victim's moral purpose? Of course, we don't really have to imagine it at all since there are already too many people who'd rather save a soul than save a life, but the scary thing is that at one point in my life this heap of crap actually made a lot of sense.

Assholes Smoke Pipes

2006-10-11T21:55:00.000-04:00

"You know what? You're a real asshole Holmes."

So I bought a pipe....but I have a problem. My problem is that if I ever saw a guy like me sitting on a bench in a public place smoking a pipe I would think to myself, "What an asshole." It's kind of like when you see a guy walking around with no shirt on. It doesn't matter why he's shirtless, he's automatically just an asshole. If he's in great shape, he's an egotistical asshole. If he's not in great shape, he's a deluded and egotistical asshole. Same with a pipe. A pipe is the bare chest of the insufferable pseudo-intellectual. The most obnoxious meathead in the world ripping his shirt off to impress some girls is only half as annoying as the pitiful affectation of the pipe smoker puffing away like Sherlock Holmes. At least a bare chest might get you laid.

But perhaps I'm being a touch harsh.

I've actually tried the pipe out a few times, and I enjoy it. It smells nice. There's no coughing and hacking since the smoke isn't inhaled. Your fingers don't stink afterwards. Maybe people who smoke pipes just do it because they enjoy it? Maybe it doesn't make you an asshole at all? And even if it is a bit of an affectation, who cares? I mean we all have those, don't we?

So, you see, I've painted myself into a corner. Either I'm an asshole because I like the pipe, or I'm an asshole because I think people who smoke pipes are assholes.

Either way, I'm fine with it.

The Problem with Cigars

2006-10-03T22:51:00.000-04:00

So my experiment with cigars has taught me a few things.

First of all, cigars are big. They are not like cigarettes, since you can't duck outside for a brief smoke. They take a long ****in' time to finish. If I lived in a place that allowed me to smoke indoors this would present no problem. As it stands I'm not allowed to smoke in my apartment, so unless I'm willing to walk around for an hour smoking a goddamn cigar looking like an idiot, then I think I may have to reconsider the cigar idea. The other problem with cigars is that they are very expensive. No wonder the caricatured image of a cigar smoker is a big, fat, wealthy businessman - these are the only guys that can afford them. Actually, there's another stogie-smoking caricature: cocky asshole MBA students or young lawyers in 3-piece suits. Oh god, that's not me. No, I'm afraid I'll have to give up cigars cold turkey.

Next on the list:
1. Chewing tobacco
2. A pipe
3. Snuff

I will let you know how these work out. I'm particularly excited about the pipe. I don't know why I didn't think of this one before! Oh man - it will go so well with the tweed jacket that I'm buying.

Mr. Apple, pipe smoker. I love it.

I Think I would look good in a Tweed Jacket

2006-09-30T00:54:00.000-04:00

I am thinking of rocking a new look:

1. Cut my hair short
2. Tweed jacket
3. Cords/wool pants
4. Short, well kept beard

This, I am convinced, will make me look distinguished.

I am sick of scuzzy chicks. I need some class in my life.

Thinking of Taking up Cigar-smoking

2006-09-26T17:40:00.000-04:00

For the past year I have been extremely health-conscious. I don't eat red meat. I don't eat refined grains. I eat very little saturated fat and no trans-fat. I don't smoke. I run about 30 miles a week. Yeah, I'm one of thoooose guys, and I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps I'm a bit obsessive about it. After all, the last thing a person should do is spend all their time obsessing about staying alive in lieu of actually enjoying life. If a man is successful at developing healthy and positive lifestyle habits (i.e. regular exercise, a generally healthy diet, etc...) then the odd sirloin steak or slice of cheese will surely have zero effect on one's lifespan. So I have resolved to lighten up and try to enjoy life a bit more, but where to start?

I like running, and find it helps my mood and helps me think, so I can't give it up. I already enjoy a drink regularly, but I don't want to up my alcohol intake because I get bad, bad hangovers. I'll probably try to lighten up about the food thing, I mean for Christ's sake I'm a skinny bastard so I could probably stand to gain a bit of weight. But what I'm seriously contemplating taking up is cigar-smoking.

"But Mr. Apple, smoking is the worst thing for your health!?!"

True. But cigar smoking has a certain appeal.

First off, cigar-smoking is far less damaging to the body than smoking cigarettes. The reason is chiefly that, when one smokes a cigar, the smoke is not inhaled into the lungs but rather held in mouth and then exhaled. Further, the adverse health effects of tobacco are minor to non-existent when smoking is an occasional indulgence rather than a daily habit (of course, this is never publicized by public health officials because they don't believe people to be qualified/capable of making rational decisions for themselves). The main risk, as far as I see it, is the risk of addiction. Fortunately, I know from personal experience that I am resistant to nicotine addiction.

Second, smoking can be a very pleasurable experience. Anyone who has ever enjoyed a cigarette knows this. It's relaxing. It aids concentration and contemplation. I even hear it staves of Alzheimers (although I don't actually believe it). Simply put, a smoke can be like a nice juicy, rare steak - sure, it's bad for you, but it can be pretty enjoyable too.

Third, it's a thumb in the eye to the watercress-munching hippies and hateful Cambridge yuppies that plague my neighbourhood. As much as I've enjoyed not smelling like smoke after going out to the pub for a beer with friends, I've always been against the ridiculous by-laws that have banned smoking and infringed on what I see as basic liberties.

Fourth, my apartment still smells like puke. Cigar smoke would definitely be an improvement.

The 4 types of dude with long hair

2006-09-23T15:39:00.000-04:00

1. the worthless hippie
2. the creepy vampire goth pervert
3. the scary biker
4. the bad-ass ladies man
5. the insufferable ponce

Guess which category I fall into?

Man, I got my new bag yesterday....

2006-09-22T23:24:00.000-04:00

It's pumpkin-coloured and therefore a little bit gay, but of course sexuality is a beautiful spectrum of subtle shadings etc. etc. and so I won't hold it against it. So, in the past few weeks I have purchased:

1. a new laptop
2. a new wallet
3. a new bag
4. 14 40 oz. of Jack Daniels

I hate myself sometimes.

Anyway, did anybody see the article in the New York Times today about Hugo Chavez mistakenly thinking that Noam Chomsky was dead? Weird, but I was right in front of Noam Chomsky today in line at the Stata Cafe. I almost turned around and congratulated him on still being alive, but I figured he'd heard that one about a million times by that point so I just held my tongue. And, of course things are still a little bit awkward between us since that encounter in the men's room that I blogged about a while ago. Here's another weird thing, he was buying sushi at 9:30 in the morning? Huh? What a weirdo......I guess it's noon somewhere eh Mr. Chomsky?

Two random things:

1. I watched Dateline NBC tonight. They were entrapping chat room perverts by pretending to be 13 or 14 year old girls and getting them to drive over to a house where these dudes thought they were going to get it on with said underage female. Then they confronted the guys and shamed them etc.. and finally the guys get arrested by the waiting policemen. So, I know it's hard to have a ton of sympathy for a sexual predator, but Christ. I got the sense watching the show that some of those dudes would never have acted on those fantasies if they hadn't been led on and tempted and entrapped. Something about it really doesn't sit well with me.

2. Happy Rosh Hashanah to all my Jewish compadres.

3. My email address is reactivated. If your name rhymes with Gatalie Mortman or Hat Tower, please email me. I'm so very lonely.

Happy Birthday to Me

2006-09-19T22:47:00.000-04:00

A quick post.....

Today is my birthday! How did I spend it? I woke up at noon and, feeling overwhelmed and anxious, tried in vain to fall back to sleep. I finally crawled out of the sack at around 12:45pm and ate some Miniwheats with orange juice (I had run out of milk). Afterwards I watched Spanish TV for 2 hours. At 3pm I slapped on some deodorant, put on some jeans, and walked into the office. I deleted any email related to work I haven't done and then stared at my computer screen and checked email until about 4:30. Then I went to the liquor store. I got home, set up my chair by the phone, and started drinking. At 8:30 the phone rang; I answered and it was American Express. I talked to the AE lady until 8:50 or so and then she let me go. I've been enjoying a drink and checking my email ever since. Cat Power forgot my birthday again this year. We were supposed to go get ice cream, but I guess she's probably on tour.

Great article today in Salon.com

2006-09-13T23:38:00.000-04:00

Check it out here.

Basically it's about a community of fundamentalist Christian hipsters in Seattle.

If the article is to be believed, what's really interesting is how this movement is springing up essentially in opposition to the secularism, atheism, and moral relativism that's supposed to be the hallmark of today's urban young people. These folks are not your stereotypical Bible-thumpers; they are well-informed, well-educated, tattooed, hip, and probably a million times cooler than me. But they've decided to reject what they perceive as a life lacking in meaning and direction for a very strict set of rules based on a literal interpretation of the Bible.

That this type of movement should arise is hardly surprising. Every day we're bombarded with images and messages that degrade and devalue people, and right now on the internet you're one mouse-click away from the most vile and disgusting stuff imaginable. This is just one front in a cultural assault on the traditional nuclear family. For God's sake, the entire Islamic world condemns the West for our non-existent sexual mores - is it so surprising that a group of people in our own society would turn their back on these attitudes by embracing a philosophy that stands in direct opposition to it?

Although the article touches only briefly on these people's politics, it isn't hard to see where they might be coming from. They see a government controlled by corporate interest and money and globalism leading to the treatment of human beings as units of production or profit-generators rather than as people with a fundamental worth distinct from, and greater than, dollars and cents. Perhaps they see Feminism serving to achieve some very noble goals, but being subverted and harnessed to serve purely economic ends and to undermine the family. They may view us as a self-indulgent society of consumers for whom life has no meaning beyond our next purchase, meal, or sexual conquest. They reject all of this and search for some higher purpose.

What's worrisome is how they reject it. To stand in opposition to what they see as an utterly corrupt society, they also reject reason. A literal interpretation of the Bible means that they reject evolution. They believe the universe was literally created in 7 days. It means that every word in the Bible, with all its well-documented inconsistency, metaphor, and use of literary device, is taken to be the literal truth. I will leave theological discussions on the delicate balance between faith and reason to those better qualified than myself, but let me just say that if there's one thing I am absolutely certain of when it comes to religion it is this: if there is a God, then He gave us our reasoning faculties as a gift and He wants us to use them. I do not believe in any god that would want us to ignore the truth staring us in the face when we use our brains, nor any god that would deliberately trick us by creating a natural world operating by empirically observable laws that turn out to be an elaborate set of illusions.

Mr. Apple dies......

God: "Well, it's off to hell with you Mr. Apple - you spent your life believing in evolution."
Mr. Apple: "But I thought really hard about it! After all my best efforts, the eyes, ears, and mind you gave me all told me that it had to be true! What gives?"
God: "Oh, that was all an intricate and carefully designed set of smoke and mirrors that I built into the world to mislead you. Instead you were supposed to believe a 6000 year old creation story written by an anonymous person you never met based on zero supporting evidence and contradicted by a mountain of evidence suggesting it couldn't possibly be the literal truth. Now it's off to hell you go."
Mr. Apple: "Crap."

Anyway, I have a lot of sympathy for the Bible-thumpers in that article. I believe some of the same things they do but, as usual, everybody except me is going about things in entirely the wrong way.

Never Going Gambling Ever Again.....

2006-09-11T22:09:00.000-04:00

The only reason I am writing this is because I forgot to bring my cyanide capsule with me to Foxwoods. But I feel better now and, upon reflection, I have learned an important lesson - it is very hard to play short stack poker at stakes four times what you're used to with a $10/hour time charge and not lose money.

Yesterday, the good Lord taught me humility and I thank Him for it......I just wish He charged less for His lessons.

Going Gambling Tomorrow

2006-09-09T14:07:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone!

I'm in the office working away and trying to graduate etc.... but although today I am a conscientious and responsible scientist, tomorrow I will be a high-rolling superstar because I am going to Foxwoods with some friends for a day of gambling.

I'm so excited.

I have never played casino poker before, but nonetheless I'm confident I will be able to find a way to lose all my money. Maybe I won't be able to lose it all playing poker. I mean, statistically there's a good chance I can do it, but there's a great deal of randomness involved and it's even possible I might win money. But should I win, there's always blackjack, roulette, craps, and as a last measure, the slot machines - so I feel pretty good about my chances. In fact, I feel so self-assured in my ability to piss away the entirety of my meager savings that I'm packing an extra bank card and a cyanide capsule for the trip.

Too Cool for School

2006-08-29T21:44:00.000-04:00

Hello,

I'm headed back to C-A-N-A-D-A this weekend for a visit. Remember how coming back from Brazil they forgot to give me my I-94? Well it turns out I have 30 days from the time of my last entry to the U.S. to return to Canada and re-re-enter the U.S.. If I wait longer they will make me pay $160 and wait 3-4 months for a replacement. Screw that noise. My advisor is gone for a little while and it's always nice to get home, so I'm taking a long weekend and killing 2 or 3 pigeons with one stone.

So let me catch you up on my life as it has unfolded over the past month or so......

So first off, I went to Brazil. You can read about that just below this post if you want, but it's a ****in' novel so I'll give you the executive summary: Brazil is overrated.

The best new thing in my life is my sweet new hair. That's right - I am now officially a ponytail-sporting bohemian. Some people claim that there is no man more odious than the ponytail man. I have to admit that before I started pulling my hair back into a mighty ponytail I was inclined to agree with them. But my ponytail is different than all the others! It's more of a manly bun really, so lay off.

Let's see, what else is new? We had a big paper come out in Nature Biotechnology. Two other papers where I was a minor contributor have been submitted, so basically my inexorable march towards the Nobel prize continues apace (cough).

Hmmm....surely my life can't be that boring......Oh! My roomate won the housing lottery, so he doesn't have to leave, which is good. Uh...I'm still desirable to women. I can bench press 265lbs. I ran a mile in 4:12 yesterday. I'm one of the alternate astronauts for the upcoming Atlantis shuttle launch. My eyes are a deep, soulful blue. I am 6'2 and 175lbs with no body hair except for the thick luxurious dark ponytail on the top of my head. I was the guy that decided Pluto isn't a planet anymore. I got a raise and leased a Porsche. I'm flying out to Lebanon next month to lead a team of mediators in the ongoing peace negotiations.

I'm pretty close to curing cancer.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll pour myself a glass of cognac and read some Camus before I retire for the evening.

My trip to Brazil

2006-08-17T23:01:00.000-04:00

I have decided to take a hiatus from my hiatus to document my trip to Brazil before I forget everything that happened. This is a long-ass post, so brace yourself.

The trip down

I left my place around 11am and arrived later than I should have at Logan to catch my flight to Miami. They bumped me to the front of the check-in line and I ended up making the flight no problem. I arrived in Miami and had two and a half hours to kill before my flight to Manaus, so I popped into a Mexican restaurant at the airport for some dinner. I ordered a Labbatt Blue with my enchiladas and the waitress had no idea what I was saying because they don't pronounce "Labbatt" correctly in Miami. Anyway, the flight down to Manaus was alright. The Brazilian airline I was on (TAM) is superior to American Airlines as far as I can tell. The planes are newer, they have better cabin service, and their flight attendants are all young and attractive and smartly dressed. The job of flight attendant is for young attractive people. That is how airlines should operate. Let's face it, it makes the flight a more pleasant experience when the cabin crew are all well-dressed and good looking. Young people would find the travel more exciting and who wants to be away from home that much when you are 50? When you get older they should give you a nice desk job at an airline counter. When we arrived in Manaus there was a short wait and then we took off for Belem. I had popped a couple Dramamine to try to sleep. Of course I should know by now that it's futile for me to try to sleep in transit - I just can't do it. We arrived in Belem at around 4am and then took off again for Fortaleza. Finally I arrived in Fortaleza at 6:30am local time.

At the airport

Oh, I was so clever on this trip. In order to avoid the hassle of getting a tourist Visa, I traveled to Brazil using my Irish passport. That ended up almost backfiring on the way home, but I digress. I got through customs without a hitch, and then was faced with a decision. Do I try to check into the hotel 7 hours earlier than I'm supposed to? Or do I just go to the conference and tough it out even though I haven't slept in 24 hours? I decided to go to the conference. I needed to get a cab, but I had no Brazilian currency. I found a bunch of bank machines, but to my horror I found that my bank card wouldn't work in any of them. Then I tried my Visa card. No dice. Now I was worried. It was possible that I was stuck in Brazil for 5 days with absolutely no money and no way to get any money. Thankfully I still had a Royal Bank card for my Canadian account. It didn't work in the first bank machine, but to my great relief the second bank machine finally coughed up 50 Brazilian Reals. I grabbed a cab and was on my way.

In the cab

Two minutes after I got in the cab the driver starts yapping at me. He spoke no English and I spoke no Portuguese so needless to say he was having trouble getting his point across. Eventually I clued in that he had no idea where he was going. I retrieved the address from my bag and gave it to him. Bingo! He gave me a smile and a nod and it was smooth sailing. As we drove through Fortaleza my first impression was that it was poor, run down, and dirty. There were broken down cars with flats in the middle of the road, the buildings all seemed to be crumbling. I saw the occasional burro grazing along the road. I got to the conference center and was relieved to finally be in an environment where I could communicate.

Conference - Day 1

The keynote address in the morning was given by Robert Huber - he won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry in 1988. I wish I could say his talk was fascinating, and it's quite possible it was, but I slept through most of it. I was exhausted. I caught my second wind after the coffee break and listened to some talks on protein structure prediction before lunch. I ate lunch with a post-doc I know from MIT. That was pretty much the first and last time I ran into someone I knew at the conference. The lunch was......how you say?......gross. Everybody raved about the food at the conference, but that's just something that people do regardless of how good the food actually is.

"Let's all thank the caterers who did such a fantastic job! The Brazilian cuisine was divine! Isn't the food wonderful?"

No. The food was not wonderful. Brazilian cuisine is not divine. And the caterers did not do a wonderful job. From what I can tell Brazilian food consists of various meats and fishes covered in thick, milky sauces. There was very little in the way of vegetables and very much in the way of flies. Coffee breaks meant mayonnaisey sandwiches on white bread and coffee with chunky milk. After my first encounter with chunky milk I took my coffee black for the rest of my stay. The coffee was good though. And actually the fruit plates were good too. Anyway, the rest of Monday was Systems Biology talks, papers, another keynote, and finally a poster session in the evening. That night I stumbled onto the shuttle bus to the hotels very much looking forward to checking into my hotel and getting some sleep.

At the hotel

I got to the hotel and managed to check in through a combination of miming and laboured, broken, English conversation. I have to say, I felt guilty going to a country and not being able to speak the local language at all. Most Brazilians have no English, but some of the people at hotel desks etc.. have some English and were happy to accommodate you the best they could. God bless them. I did try to learn some phrases before I went. I bought a book and CDs, but it's tough to learn a language in a week, and I was very busy before I left and so I had little time to practice. I did manage to master the following phrases:

"Please"
"Thank-you"
"Sorry, I don't speak Portuguese."
"I want to go to the airport."
"I love your stylish tank top! Would you like to go somewhere private so we can chat about Brazilian fashion?"
"Oh, I see.....well how much would it cost?"

Anyway, the hotel was fine although there are small differences that threw me off. For instance, you have to stick your keycard in a slot to get the electricity to work. Also, they wire their buildings with 220V power, so I couldn't use my laptop or anything like that. I crawled into bed and fell asleep. Ah sleep......at least until about 1am or so when the car horns started honking and the people started yelling. My hotel was located in the nightclub area and every single night the traffic would get congested because of all the cabs picking people up and dropping them off and the cabs just basically honked constantly until dawn. I mean constantly. They kept me awake every night except Wednesday when I was just too exhausted and must have slept through the noise. I have never seen or heard anything like it before in my life. The police station was right across the street from my hotel too, so apparently there are no noise by-laws or anything like that. Damn Brazilians and their wretched night life.

Conference - Day 2

I crawled out of bed at 7:40 or so with 20 minutes to make it down to catch the shuttle bus. I took a quick shower and got electrocuted by the plumbing fixture. The shower head had some exposed wires and basically if you touched the wrong part of the plumbing you got shocked.

I learned quickly what to touch and what not to touch while washing.

Of course, it wasn't all bad as a brisk electrocution in the morning gets you going better than a cup of coffee any day - and I didn't have time to go to breakfast. Day 2 of the conference was characterized mainly by loneliness. I was sick of not being able to communicate outside of the conference hall, and I was alone and didn't really know anyone. I sat through a whole bunch of talks and just kind of wandered around feeling sorry for myself. At lunch I couldn't find my MIT friend and ended up sitting at a table with a bunch of people who made no attempt to talk to me after I introduced myself and feebly attempted to converse. One older gentlemen literally turned his back to me at the table while carrying on a conversation with two other great men. Classy. Although Tuesday was frustrating and lonely, scientifically it was the best day of the conference and there were a lot of nice talks that were of great personal interest. By the time the poster session rolled around I was sick of feeling sorry for myself and even though I felt like a leper I went out of my way to introduce myself to people and talk to them about research stuff. By the time the shuttles arrived to take us home I had met some nice people and I was feeling much better. That brings me to another crazy thing about this conference - they picked you up at 8am and kept you at the conference center until at least 8pm and only gave you 1 meal. I am not a big eater by any means, but that was a bit much. Anyway, I got back to the hotel and went to bed right away. I managed to about 5 hours of sleep before the taxi cab symphony started at 2am.

Conference - Day 3

So I haven't mentioned up to this point that every morning the conference was started by our daily dose of Brazilian culture. It was always some kind of dance performance. Day 1 was like lambada or something (obscene). Day 2 was this weird martial arts kind of dance thing, which was pretty impressive. Day 3 was some kind of other folk dance thing with colourful costumes and horrible music. Day 4 was some other type of crap with hand claps and the guys had capris pants on. Mostly forgettable stuff except for the flips and kicks and stuff on Day 2. It never ceases to amaze me how people will clap and applaud anything and say how wonderful it was as long as it's some kind of "cultural exposition". I don't accept that bullshit performances like those dances should be inoculated against criticism just because they're ethnic. They sucked. I'm glad I wasn't one of the people standing and clapping and raving insincerely over lunch about how wonderful it all was. What was wonderful was getting to go to the beach Wednesday afternoon after the morning talks. They bussed us out to the "Beach Park" where there was food and beer and a fantastic band. I sat at a table with a couple guys from New York and a Canadian who works for Merck. It was a nice lunch and a nice conversation. Afterwards I excused myself and took a walk along the beach. The beach was really beautiful. It was just white sand for miles. The water was blue and clear and the waves were just huge. Definitely this was the highlight of the trip. I brought a little shell home with me as a memento of the best part of the trip. I tried to get a bikini top, but Brazilian women are both tough and beautiful. Also - I would like to point out that the fashion watchword at the Beach Park was "snug". If you are a 20 year old smoking hot girl from Fortaleza or Rio, then I will be crying "Snug!" along with you (at the top of my lungs and with tears of joy in my eyes) but if you are a 55 year old German or Argentinian man then may I suggest that on your next trip to the beach you make the difficult but necessary transition from "snug" to "modest". Anyway, Wednesday night I slept like a baby and not even the late night Concerto for taxi cab horn woke me up.

Conference - Day 4

The last day. Frankly I'm getting sick of writing this epic so I'll make it brief. Thursday sucked. I was ready to go home. I was tired. I had to stand next to my poster for an hour trying not to look like an idiot. The ****'s who organized the conference had the final poster session overlapping with lunch, so you can imagine how many people skipped their one and only meal of the day to come talk to me about my research. What a colossal waste of time.

Returning Home

There was no alarm clock in my room, but I figured out how to program the TV to turn on in the morning and wake me up. I got up a little before 5am and checked out before 6am. I saw some guy in the lobby who was obviously a conference attendee and offered to share a cab with him to the airport. We got there early because we were worried about all the security measures that would be in place (this was one day after all the arrests in that plane-blowing-up terror plot in the UK). They made me toss all my gels, shampoos, toothpaste etc.. before I got on the plane. As some of you ladies out there know, I have many exotic toiletries that I use to stay beautiful, so this was a not insignificant financial and psychic loss....definitely a bad omen. Also, when you leave Brazil you have to go through customs again and give them a departure record. I was careful to show the lady at the TAM counter my Canadian passport and the immigration guy my Irish passport. I passed through security no problem and was chuckling to myself about how clever I was. Unfortunately, in Manaus we had to get off the plane again and were subjected to a really intense and thorough search, and we had to go through immigration again. This time I wasn't thinking (over-tired etc...) and showed them my Canadian passport. That turned out to be a mistake. My Canadian passport had no entry stamp. The guy starts yelling at me "Where you from? Where you from?"...and a whole bunch of other stuff I couldn't understand. I just kept saying "Canada, Canada..." Finally I clued in. I mimed at him "one second! one second!" because it looked like he was about to get out of his booth and slap the cuffs on me or something...then I went through my luggage and found the Irish passport and showed it to him. That calmed him down, and before I knew it I was back on the plane. One other noteworthy thing happened in Manaus. I was talking to this guy from UCSC while we waited to get searched. But right in front of us was Rich Roberts (who won the Nobel Prize in 1993) and he turned around and said something to the UCSC guy. Well it took about 2 nanoseconds for Mr. UCSC to realize that the guy talking to him was Rich Roberts and he dropped me like a hot potato without a word or the slightest acknowledgement I even existed. No, "excuse me", no "Oh! Rich Roberts! I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Apple", no "Piss off Apple, someone more interesting just showed up." It was one of the top 190 rudest things anyone has ever done to me. I hate you Mr. UCSC and I will have my revenge.

Oh my God, this is so long.

Anyway, I got to Miami. They forgot to give me my I-94 departure record from when I cleared immigration so now I'm stuck in the USA until I get **** sorted out. I caught my flight from Miami to Boston. Arrived in Boston around midnight. Took a cab home and cried salty tears of joy because I was finally back in my own bed and back where people speak the Queen's English (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) and where I can eat decent food and get some exercise.

The end

This blog is completely worthless...

2006-07-20T22:30:00.000-04:00

...and I am quitting until September. I am not being Michael Jordan. This blog just really sucks and I need to take a break from it and maybe re-jig it in the fall and give it a theme or some such crap. Maybe I will just let it die and start a new one. That's a good idea because too many people know about this one and I haven't been free to really speak my mind for months. Anyway, have a nice summer everyone!

I had many adventures

2006-07-19T09:01:00.000-04:00

I am back in Boston after my trip to Ottawa. I saw friends and family and hit a few golf balls and drank some cold beer and saw the New Pornographers (minus Neko Case) at Bluesfest. I also applied for a passport. Perhaps I will tell you about some of my strange adventures later when we have more time.

I hate you

2006-07-13T23:45:00.000-04:00

You know who you are.

What a sad turn of events

2006-07-10T00:36:00.000-04:00

Who saw the World Cup final today? I think France may have outplayed the Italians, but the final outcome for me was completely overshadowed by Zidane getting red-carded for headbutting Materazzi. It's just an overwhelmingly sad thing. I feel so badly for him and I hate all the self-righteous jocks and wannabe jocks who called it shameful etc...

He is obviously an emotional man and it's pretty clear Materazzi said something despicable that set him off. It's no credit to Zidane that he headbutted the guy in his chest, but it's somehow worse (and more cowardly) to provoke a man to violence with slurs just to get him sent off while you writhe away on the ground in fake agony. I guess it's worth it to win the world cup? Anyway, the whole thing just depresses me. There is no such thing as sportsmanship anymore - not at these levels anyway.

Thrilling news.

2006-07-09T02:11:00.000-04:00

Do you live in Ottawa? Well then keep your eyes peeled (starting Tuesday) for a 138 lb, long-haired, moustachioed sex machine because I am coming home for a week of sun-tanning and clothes-shopping. Every morning I will fix myself a gin and tonic (on ice), set up a lounge chair in my parents' back yard, strip down to my man-thong, and work on my full-body tan until 12pm. At 12pm I will lunch on cucumber sandwiches and sip mint julips. Then I'll fix myself up, do my hair, pick out a nice outfit, quickly down a scotch and soda, and head downtown for some shopping with my girlfriends!!!! Shopping will go until 6 or 7pm, then we'll break for dinner at a nice restaurant on the market, blast back a few rum and cokes, and then head to Tricia's to get ready for our big night. Tricia will score some yay from her ex and we'll try on our new outfits and get all amped and then go dancing until 3am. On the ride home we'll gossip and giggle about all the creepy guys that tried to hit on us, and then I'll get home and pass out in the bathtub and do it all again the next day. It's going to be soooooo great!

So fun and great, and not the least bit depressing! See you soon!!!!!