Aloha readers....
I just got back from beautiful Hawaii. I was on Maui for a conference, and let me say it is the most beautiful place I've ever been. I had a chance to explore a bit and I was really impressed. Maui is essentially two mountains with a valley in the middle. The valley part is gorgeous. There are beautiful beaches etc..., but the mountains are the really impressive part.
Sunday I drove around the mountainous region in the northwest part of the island near Kapalua (where there was a golf tournament going on). It was stunning. It was also scary as hell. There was about a 10 mile portion of the trip where you are driving on a narrow winding road (wide enough for 1 car) that hugs cliffs. There are no guard rails and there are literally big fallen rocks in the middle of the road. If you meet another car you need to find a place wide enough to pull over and let the other person squeeze past. The sights are amazing, although if you ever do it make sure you're sober because there are craaazy drops and if you ever went off the road you would be dead for sure.
Monday my flight left late at night, so in the morning I went up to the other mountain which is also a national park (Haleakala). You can literally drive up to the summit of the mountain which is over 10000 feet above sea level. At the summit you can look down on a big crater that has been created by erosion. It looks like the planet Mars. You can see cinder cones created by the volcanic activity and, even though it wasn't a clear day, I could see the entire island and two adjacent islands as well. Absolutely thrilling stuff. I hiked around on some trails on Haleakala and brought home two rocks as souvenirs.
On my flight into Hawaii there was an incident aboard my plane. I sat down beside some old lady who was chowing down on a big bag of McDonalds food. After finishing, and shortly before takeoff, she excused herself to go to the washroom. Then after having sat down again, she decided she needed to excuse herself for round 2. At this point we are about 4th in line to take off and the flight attendant starts screaming at this lady to sit down. She tells her the bathroom is locked because we're about to take off. The lady starts yelling back because she is having a Big mac attack and eventually pushes past the attendant and barges into the bathroom. The flight attendant starts banging on the door yelling "We're going to have to go back to the gate! We're going to lose our place in line!" She radios the cockpit and the captain comes on the intercom telling people to sit down and put their seat belts on. Meanwhile the old lady is yelling that she'll be out in a minute. A short time later, she emerges and I get up to let her into her seat. As she walks past me I'm overwhelmed by the pungent scent of human shit.
She. shit. her. pants.
But the good folks at United Airlines will be happy to know that we took off on time. It only cost an old woman her dignity and me a rather unpleasant 5 hour flight to Kahului. Of course after take off the old bat didn't get up to clean herself off or anything. No, she just pretended that nothing happened and ordered a ginger ale to sip on while she stewed in her own feces. She also kept putting on hand cream. I think she thought it would mask the smell. It didn't. After we landed, she wrapped her coat around her waist and hurried off the plane. On my way to pick up my bag, I overheard a couple remark about the "bad gas" that someone on the flight had. I said nothing.
Sunday I drove around the mountainous region in the northwest part of the island near Kapalua (where there was a golf tournament going on). It was stunning. It was also scary as hell. There was about a 10 mile portion of the trip where you are driving on a narrow winding road (wide enough for 1 car) that hugs cliffs. There are no guard rails and there are literally big fallen rocks in the middle of the road. If you meet another car you need to find a place wide enough to pull over and let the other person squeeze past. The sights are amazing, although if you ever do it make sure you're sober because there are craaazy drops and if you ever went off the road you would be dead for sure.
Monday my flight left late at night, so in the morning I went up to the other mountain which is also a national park (Haleakala). You can literally drive up to the summit of the mountain which is over 10000 feet above sea level. At the summit you can look down on a big crater that has been created by erosion. It looks like the planet Mars. You can see cinder cones created by the volcanic activity and, even though it wasn't a clear day, I could see the entire island and two adjacent islands as well. Absolutely thrilling stuff. I hiked around on some trails on Haleakala and brought home two rocks as souvenirs.
On my flight into Hawaii there was an incident aboard my plane. I sat down beside some old lady who was chowing down on a big bag of McDonalds food. After finishing, and shortly before takeoff, she excused herself to go to the washroom. Then after having sat down again, she decided she needed to excuse herself for round 2. At this point we are about 4th in line to take off and the flight attendant starts screaming at this lady to sit down. She tells her the bathroom is locked because we're about to take off. The lady starts yelling back because she is having a Big mac attack and eventually pushes past the attendant and barges into the bathroom. The flight attendant starts banging on the door yelling "We're going to have to go back to the gate! We're going to lose our place in line!" She radios the cockpit and the captain comes on the intercom telling people to sit down and put their seat belts on. Meanwhile the old lady is yelling that she'll be out in a minute. A short time later, she emerges and I get up to let her into her seat. As she walks past me I'm overwhelmed by the pungent scent of human shit.
She. shit. her. pants.
But the good folks at United Airlines will be happy to know that we took off on time. It only cost an old woman her dignity and me a rather unpleasant 5 hour flight to Kahului. Of course after take off the old bat didn't get up to clean herself off or anything. No, she just pretended that nothing happened and ordered a ginger ale to sip on while she stewed in her own feces. She also kept putting on hand cream. I think she thought it would mask the smell. It didn't. After we landed, she wrapped her coat around her waist and hurried off the plane. On my way to pick up my bag, I overheard a couple remark about the "bad gas" that someone on the flight had. I said nothing.
posted by Mr. Apple at 8:59 PM
3 Comments:
Dear Mr. Apple,
I posted a comment a few moments ago. It blew away in the Arctic cold. It said that this story evoked a chortle from me, and that it might be some of your best work.
I am jealous that you went to Hawaii. If I ever get married, I want to do it there.
Tabby
The thing about feces, is they're so personal. I think the stigma (you know, the one about not sitting in your own defecation) stems more from the fact that your poo is yours, and you don't want anybody else to get their hands on it. Taking a shit is a sacred trust between you and your anus. And no one else. In fact, some people never use their anus for anything else but shitting.
And your shit wants to hang out with only you. Only you really get your shit. Not some skinny weirdo next to you on a flight. He doesn't get it, and doesn't want to.
Dear tabby,
Hawaii is not just a cliche...it is as beautiful as you'd guess. A great place to get married. In fact I almost did get married while I was there. Damn same-sex marriage laws.
Nick,
You are a sick, sick individual...and yet sometimes you make sense.
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