I'm so over Natalie Portman

We are history and I never even think about her anymore. I don't have time for a relationship anyway, and in fact I took a vow of celibacy last week. From now on I am celibate because I choose to be, not because of some stupid restraining orders.

I made a lot of money this month betting on soccer, but unfortunately I lost it all back at the dog track. I am completely barreled in and I'm supposed to settle up with my bookie Tuesday but have no money until the following Friday. He won't let me bet on any more games until I pay. Probably I will need to take some time off research to work off my debt washing cars or painting his garage or something. I could always sell my hair to one of those cancer charities, but I would feel like a real chump since I think most people donate it instead of selling it. I could probably get a lot for it at the right place though. It is chestnut brown, long, and luxurious. Please email me if you're in the market for a Grade A mullet pelt.