The Olympics are stupid
Hello everyone! How are things? That's just great. Anyway I just wanted to pop in for a second to let you know that the winter olympics are a stupid waste of time. Have you noticed that a lot of the sports have zero tradition, and that the rest are completely lame? I sure have. Let's be honest, the only sports anyone gives a rat's ass about are hockey and figure skating....and figure skating is not even a sport.
Now before you email me shaking your proverbial e-fist all red-faced with high blood pressure and trembling with righteous indignation, let me say I have nothing against figure skating. It requires tremendous athletic ability and skill, I just can't call it a sport since it involves both subjective judging and "artistic interpretation"..... ergo it is unspeakably lame. But figure skating is not even close to the most ridiculous event at the olympics. What are the most ridiculous events? I'm glad you asked:
1. Short-track speed skating. There is a perfectly legitimate event in the olympics with years of tradition, called speed-skating, where athletes race around an oval to determine who is the fastest skater. Then there is short track speed skating. It is new, it is lame, and the winner of a race seems to be determined completely randomly. This is how short track speed skating works: a bunch of dudes skate around a little circle and bump and jostle each other until 3 of them have fallen down and then the 4th guy wins. It is roller-derby on skates. I'm sure I could win at least 1 out of every 5 races I entered by just waiting for the other 3 guys to bail and then skating in a leisurely manner around the track waving to my millions of fans. Also, apparently this bad-ass is the big star of the sport:
I think the photo speaks for itself.
2. Anything involving a snowboard. No tradition. Lame, lame, lame. The announcers use words like "bitchin", "rad", and "stoked". The winner is determined based on who could pull off the gnarliest tricks. Who decides what's gnarly? A bunch of bleached-blonde stoners, no doubt. If there's anything worse than a grown man on a skateboard then it is a grown man on a snowboard. Case in point: this drug-addicted X-games refugee, nicknamed "the flying tomato", won the snowboarding gold medal today:
Holy shit. "Higher, faster, stronger" indeed......but apparently with a distinct emphasis on the "higher" part.
3. Curling. This one hurts, since I am Canadian and it is one of the two sports we are good at. Unfortunately, curling is basically lawn bowling for pasty-white seniors living north of the 49th parallel. It is the only sport where you can win the gold medal and be 58 years old, 240 lbs, drunk, and wheezing from the effort involved in climbing the podium.
4. Freestyle moguls and aerials (skiing). Whoah dude! Did you see the 360 daffy triple loop with a tuck that dude just pulled?!? That was tight, dude. It's hard to say whose stuff was more radical and gnarly, but I think Norwegian dude was slightly gnarlier than Finnish dude. Aw shit, gold medals all around! Pass the bong dude. (See snowboards above)
5. Skeleton. This sport is both stupid and strictly for maniacs. Push a sled. Jump on. Go down a track headfirst at 130km/h. Fastest to the bottom wins. I'm sure there's skill involved, but when the average person can't appreciate it by watching, what's the point? This sport is so obscure it's just ridiculous that it's in the olympics. Are there recreational skeleton leagues somewhere I haven't heard about? Why do I get the feeling that if I loaded a 400 lb old woman onto a sled and then pushed her across the starting line, she would probably win the bronze?
Let's face it. The only thing that matters in the olympics is who wins the gold medal in hockey. Add in a bit of window dressing (a few downhill and cross-country skiing events, some speed skating, and a bit of figure skating to keep the old ladies happy) and we would have all the winter olympics we need. The summer olympics are much worse and should be eliminated completely.
Now before you email me shaking your proverbial e-fist all red-faced with high blood pressure and trembling with righteous indignation, let me say I have nothing against figure skating. It requires tremendous athletic ability and skill, I just can't call it a sport since it involves both subjective judging and "artistic interpretation"..... ergo it is unspeakably lame. But figure skating is not even close to the most ridiculous event at the olympics. What are the most ridiculous events? I'm glad you asked:
1. Short-track speed skating. There is a perfectly legitimate event in the olympics with years of tradition, called speed-skating, where athletes race around an oval to determine who is the fastest skater. Then there is short track speed skating. It is new, it is lame, and the winner of a race seems to be determined completely randomly. This is how short track speed skating works: a bunch of dudes skate around a little circle and bump and jostle each other until 3 of them have fallen down and then the 4th guy wins. It is roller-derby on skates. I'm sure I could win at least 1 out of every 5 races I entered by just waiting for the other 3 guys to bail and then skating in a leisurely manner around the track waving to my millions of fans. Also, apparently this bad-ass is the big star of the sport:
I think the photo speaks for itself.2. Anything involving a snowboard. No tradition. Lame, lame, lame. The announcers use words like "bitchin", "rad", and "stoked". The winner is determined based on who could pull off the gnarliest tricks. Who decides what's gnarly? A bunch of bleached-blonde stoners, no doubt. If there's anything worse than a grown man on a skateboard then it is a grown man on a snowboard. Case in point: this drug-addicted X-games refugee, nicknamed "the flying tomato", won the snowboarding gold medal today:
Holy shit. "Higher, faster, stronger" indeed......but apparently with a distinct emphasis on the "higher" part.3. Curling. This one hurts, since I am Canadian and it is one of the two sports we are good at. Unfortunately, curling is basically lawn bowling for pasty-white seniors living north of the 49th parallel. It is the only sport where you can win the gold medal and be 58 years old, 240 lbs, drunk, and wheezing from the effort involved in climbing the podium.
4. Freestyle moguls and aerials (skiing). Whoah dude! Did you see the 360 daffy triple loop with a tuck that dude just pulled?!? That was tight, dude. It's hard to say whose stuff was more radical and gnarly, but I think Norwegian dude was slightly gnarlier than Finnish dude. Aw shit, gold medals all around! Pass the bong dude. (See snowboards above)
5. Skeleton. This sport is both stupid and strictly for maniacs. Push a sled. Jump on. Go down a track headfirst at 130km/h. Fastest to the bottom wins. I'm sure there's skill involved, but when the average person can't appreciate it by watching, what's the point? This sport is so obscure it's just ridiculous that it's in the olympics. Are there recreational skeleton leagues somewhere I haven't heard about? Why do I get the feeling that if I loaded a 400 lb old woman onto a sled and then pushed her across the starting line, she would probably win the bronze?
Let's face it. The only thing that matters in the olympics is who wins the gold medal in hockey. Add in a bit of window dressing (a few downhill and cross-country skiing events, some speed skating, and a bit of figure skating to keep the old ladies happy) and we would have all the winter olympics we need. The summer olympics are much worse and should be eliminated completely.
posted by Mr. Apple at 8:54 PM
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