Christmas Safety Tips
Hello everyone. I am guest-blogging today by special request. I am a very brave and strong member of the Ottawa Police Dept. The show Law and Order is based loosely on my life and adventures. But, I fear with this digression I am being immodest. Let me get to the point - I have compiled some safety tips to keep you and yours alive and injury-free over the Christmas season.1. If you've been at a holiday party and had a bit too much eggnog, beer, or wine you may be tempted, at the end of the evening, to save yourself some hassle and just jump in your car and drive home. Remember, taking 5 seconds to buckle up can save your life in the event of an accident.
2. One thing I enjoy doing in December is harassing harmless homeless people who are quietly sitting somewhere blasted out of their tree on Crest or cheap Kentucky bourbon trying to forget it's Christmas. Ostensibly, I do this because they are drunk and it's cold outside. After enough harassment and humiliation even a broken homeless man usually has enough dignity to get angry. That's all the excuse I need to arrest them (or, if I'm really lucky, use physical force to "restrain" them) and check them for crack cocaine. If you, too, enjoy the sport of picking on homeless people (perhaps after a night out at the bar?) I strongly suggest you focus on the old or the very sick. Remember, I am a professional and I pack a handgun in the case of emergencies - leave the young and strong drunken homeless people to me.
3. Lay off the crack cocaine.
posted by Mr. Apple at 8:38 AM
11 Comments:
Dear Mister Apple,
How did you manage to swing a guest spot from Mr. Crackhead Policeman? You must be even more connected than I thought.
BTW, what are your thoughts on trout farming?
Dear anonymous,
Mr. Crackhead policeman and myself go way back. He gave me a ticket once for having the registration sticker on the wrong license plate. Recently he made the news! CBC story
Anyway, I don't know much about trout farming. But what I know, I like! It seems like a great opportunity to expose yourself to gross fish diseases, waste products, and delicious fish all at the same time and on a massive scale.
Jim Bryson dedicated a song to "Mr. MacIsaac" last night.
T-rex
Not just any song - an encore number! It was at once a priceless and beautiful moment.
Dear Mr. Apple,
I am freezing to death. Please help.
Dear T-rex,
Was he dedicating it to the president of the Lions' club who stopped his buddy from stealing beer? Because that would be pretty cool. He should write a song about that.
Yours,
Mr. Apple
Dear anonymous,
I wish I could help you but it is cold in Boston too. I am currently huddling under my desk with my obese officemate for warmth. She smells.
Yours,
Mr. Apple
He mentioned the guy who stole the beer in the dedication. I am not quite sure it is material for a song though.
Anyhoo - you are going to get a flock of angry jugglers at your door sometime soon. They'll be hurling bowling pins and flaming batons at you.
Dear Mr. Apple,
You'll be happy to hear that the Hall of Mirrors in the Palais de Versailles has finally re-opened after a two-year, 15 million dollar renovation project. Phewf.
Dear anonymous,
Wonderful! Let's meet there this February and walk hand in hand through the hall like old times, pausing to laugh at our reflections and share reminiscences of past visits.
Yours,
Mr. Apple
sounds lovely! i'll bring an excellent Bordeaux. you bring the Camenbert and a baguette.
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