Ask Mr. Apple......

Hello, and welcome once again to the most popular feature here at Apples Over America, "Ask Mr. Apple". For those of you who are new to AOA, this is where you, my "millions and millions of readers worldwide", get to interact with me (or one of my interns posing as me) via a set of carefully screened questions and even more carefully scripted responses.

Folks, this is really the most rewarding part of being a world-famous blogger, because this is where I can reach out and truly make a difference in the lives of some of you rudderless souls tossed about on life's rough waters. If I can help even one person...well then this blog and all the blood, sweat, and tears I put into it will have been totally, totally worthwhile. So without further ado - let's change some lives:

Dear Mr. Apple,
I am a 28 year-old gothic cyber-punk and subculturist. This past Wednesday I was at Manray's Goth/Industrial party dressed to the frickin' nines and looking completely evil and fabulous. I'd just downed my 3rd Long Island Iced Tea and was getting pretty loaded - so much so that I was already busting out my patented "vampire-wing come-hither pirouette" every time a cute chick passed by. This is a great move I invented in 1998 and basically involves spinning on your heel while swirling your cape, followed up by a very dark and evil baring of the fangs/sexy pointing in the direction of your target. Anyway, as I was saying, no sooner had I finished my 3rd drink when the DJ started playing The Cure's "Lullaby" which is my favourite song in the whole world and so of course I was out on the dance-floor post-haste. I'd had my eye on this one girl all night. You know the type: 450lbs. in a cinched-up corset and black tights with her ears stretched out to about a 0-gauge plug, several piercings, tons of makeup, and with those weird red things braided into dyed black hair. As soon as Robert Smith got to that part in the song about "the spider-man having you for dinner tonight" I made my move. It went well at first, and even better as the night wore on, but then at the end of the evening when I was prying her ass through the door and out into a cab to get her back to my place, she mentioned that she had a boyfriend! She said it was no big deal because she was "polyamorous" and her boyfriend would be cool with it as long as he could come along and participate. Next thing I know, this little guy in a dracula costume jumps into the cab with us, we're back at my place, and then I guess the Manhattans I was guzzling really hit me hard because I don't remember anything after that. Mr. Apple, I really liked that girl, and I know being goth is all about being an individual and accepting of others etc.., but I'm not sure I'm cut out for polyamory. I just can't share my big, beautiful goth-goddess with that little vampire. What should I do?

Yours,
a weirdo

Dear weirdo,

Polyamory is a fantastic development in modern relationships and is something I hear about more and more every day around Cambridge. It's so wonderful to see all these people throwing off the shackles of society and biology and carrying on meaningful, fulfilling relationships with multiple, non-jealous and consensual partners. Why limit yourself to one person? We all have so much to give! So let's all spread our love around and share it with each other like herpes. Yep...let's just all wallow together in the mud and filth and slime and pretend it's frankincense and rose-water and that instead of smelling like sewage we're all clean and smell as sweet as the perfume inserts of a Vogue magazine.

Yours,
Mr. Apple

Dear Mr. Apple,

OMG, I'm really sure! Do you ever think you are too judgemental LOL?!? Goths are people too, and you're just making fun of us for no reason. There's nothing wrong with being poly, LMAO!!! Just because you are too much of a conformist to open your mind to other realities, don't blame us. Wake up and smell the coffee, I am poly and my 3 lovers are not jealous and we all love each other's specialness. Goths rule! You're just jealous because no goth would ever give you the time of day, let alone engage in a mutually-satisfying, consenual, and non-monogomous sexual relationship with you. KThanx, bye.

Yours,
A guy who didn't get his ass kicked enough in high school

Dear guy who didn't get his ass kicked enough in high school,

You'll often find that in this blog when I make fun of a specific group of people, I am in fact making fun of myself or certain characteristics that I, myself, have been known to exhibit. For example, I've made fun of poker players, people who wear socks with sandals, hippies, nerds, and brutal mullets. Even the lowly juggler is, in fact, a very deep metaphor I use to explore the many facets of my own disfunctional psyche. However, this time, none of that applies. I think goths are ridiculous and I think people who are "poly" should be exiled to Baffin Island. Also, I hate hate hate people who use "KThanx", "OMG", and "LMAO". I think you should all be shipped to Northern Alaska and nuked in a missile test. Just kidding, lol.

Yours,
Mr. Apple

Dear Mr. Apple,

I love you. Why haven't you returned my calls? Ever since I graduated from Harvard and moved away from Cambridge, I've felt this distance growing between us and it scares me. I can't lose you. Call me!

Love,

Natalie Portman


Dear Natalie Portman,

It was fun while it lasted kiddo, but I'm a ramblin' man.

Yours, Mr. Apple

Well, that's it for another edition of Ask Mr. Apple. I wasn't kidding about the poly goths who use "kthanx" etc.., I say nuke 'em. Please send your hate mail to the email address at the bottom of the page.