Tofu and I are through

Anybody else eat tofu? As most of you know, it's sort of bland and inoffensive taste-wise....and I rarely eat meat these days, so it's a good source of protein. However, tofu and I have had a loveless marriage for the past little while. Admittedly I do partake of tofu's charms daily, meager though they may be, but in return tofu expects so much of me! I get so frustrated and angry sometimes. Who is this pale, squishy bean curd that was once alluring, but is now so lumpy and unattractive? I had no idea that what was exotic and thrilling could one day become depressingly dull. The last straw came yesterday evening. I made this grain, tofu, and spinach gruel for dinner and then, being fairly pooped after a long day, I retired for the night at about 11pm. That's when tofu decided to give me the most god-awful gas you could imagine. There I lay, exhausted and yearning for peace and quiet and a good night's sleep, but would tofu let me sleep? No. Tofu bubbled and gurgled in my gut, giving me terrible and painful cramps that kept me awake. At 1am I got out of bed and turned on my computer to do a little research on tofu. Did you know that tofu is linked to dementia?!!!?!? Tofu contains phytotoxins that are a possible mechanism of loss of brain mass and cognitive function in older men who ate a lot of tofu in middle age.

That bitch has been poisoning me for a year. I called my lawyer this morning.