God Damn It, Natalie Portman.

God damn it, Natalie Portman. Can't you see I'm too busy to deal with your crap right now? Oh, oh, oh, yeah, of course...here come the water works. Damn it. Crying isn't going to get you your way this time, Portman. You're so God damn selfish. Just because you're a movie star doesn't mean I can just drop everything and cater to your every whim. What's that!?! Well go ahead and call Zach Braff, I don't care.

No wait. Stop. Don't call him. I'm sorry.......

Fine! Screw you! You're not worth my time anyway. You think you're better than me, don't you? You think just because you're a famous, beautiful, intelligent, and talented millionaire that you can get any guy you want? Well, go ahead and leave because I think you're in for a pretty rude awakening, sister. Guys like me don't come along every day, you know. Sure, you could stick some random guy in a Party Poker hoodie, not shave him for a month, starve him, and bash him in the face a few times with a brick to get a reasonable facsimile of me......but he still wouldn't have my soul.

I think you'll find the single life is tougher than you remembered. You're a bit past your prime Natalie Portman. What are you, 25 now? Movie roles coming in a bit more slowly now, aren't they? No more Star Wars to prop you up, eh? Oh excuse me one second, I think that's Lindsey Lohan on my cell.....

"hey Linds.....yeah, she's being a complete "See you next Tuesday" again.....I know!!! Ha ha! OK, gotta go...Luv Yeeewwwww!!!!"

That was Lindsay Lohan.

What are you talking about Natalie Portman? Of course my phone was on. Anyway, go ahead and call Zach Braff. His show isn't even funny anyway. Ok, wait. Don't call him. I love you. There I said it. I love you, Natalie Portman.

Oh Natalie Portman, you're shivering! I'm sorry baby, let's not fight ever again! Your hair smells so good.

God damn it Natalie Portman, you're standing on my toe.