Ladies man

Oh wow - I just got back from a hot date tonight with a babe who answered my OKCupid personal internet add. She was a pretty cute 44 year old mother of 3. She was short (4'10") and thick (maybe 290lbs?), with nice eyes and false teeth...exactly my type, except she had a tobacco-chewing habit which was a bit gross. I used a fake picture of Gram Parsons in my add but I was pretty sure she didn't notice. My schtick in that add was that I was an artist, so I wore some black tights and a big smock and a beret with some green ballet slippers (from my Robin Hood outfit that I wear when practicing archery) and I splattered some wood stain and paint on my smock and told her I'd been painting before I met her and didn't have a chance to change. I think she bought it. Anyway, I brought her to the student center to watch TV. I would have invited her to my apartment, but we don't get cable and also I felt it would be classier to take a girl out on the town for a first date. Things started off pretty well - I bought some gummy bears and sodas and was, of course, a perfect gentleman, remembering to procur an extra cup so she had somewhere to spit her tobacco. During commercials I would look at her and hold up my hands in "L" shapes (like I was framing her in a portrait) and say things like "I must paint you" or "this light accentuates the sadness and soulfulness of your eyes" and other such stuff that women really like. I tried a few times to grab her in an intimate fashion but she stopped me and one time punched me really hard in the arm (I have a serious, serious bruise that I need to get checked out tomorrow). Anyway, at the end of the night I was desperate to sample her womanly charms (so to speak) and tried this performance art thing to impress her where I ripped off my smock and used the tobacco juice from her cup to paint her portrait, in an abstract impressionist style, on my bare chest. She seemed to like it, but the campus police caught me contorting and screaming and dousing myself with tobacco in the TV lounge and kicked me out of the building so it sort of ended up backfiring. She left after the arrest. Anyway, I need to go shower because the tobacco actually starts to sting after a while, but damn it I think there was really a connection there. I'm babysitting for her this Saturday night and I think I may get lucky when she gets back from dinner with her platonic friend Lance on Sunday morning. Wish me luck!