An open letter to Jake Gyllenhaal and Natalie Portman
Hi Jake,
How's it going man? Long time no see. God, I miss you man. We had some great times together didn't we? You were my best friend........my best friend. Remember the fishing trips to Lake Pomotongo? Those were so great. They really meant a lot to me. Remember that one time you got so loaded on Pabst that you fell out of the boat trying to land that bass? Christ that was funny. There you were, thrashing around in the water without a life jacket screaming "Save me! Save me! I can't swim!!!" Remember how hard I was laughing as I threw you the life jacket and pulled you back to the boat with the wooden paddle?
I should have let you drown.
How could you do this to me Jake? How could you be so duplicitous and sneaky? I still remember the day I introduced you to Natalie. I remember how you guys hit it off. And why wouldn't you? You have so much in common: you're both famous movie stars, you're both Jewish, you're both really pretty. "She's a keeper, man." That's what you said. Oh, she's a keeper alright, you backstabbing snake. I hope you choke.
And you Natalie.....how could you do this to me? How could you run off with my best friend? You said looks and hygiene didn't matter to you! You told me that you found my passive aggression attractive! You said I wasn't boring! You hurt me terribly Jezebel.
And of course neither of you had the decency to tell me about this abomination yourselves. No, I had to find out 2nd-hand from my cousin (thanks Chris). Well, two can play at this game. You hurt me, but I can hurt you back.
Yes, it's ok sugarplum, no need to be shy, you can come out now.
Jake, I'd like to introduce you to someone I believe you've met before. His name is Heath, and he's my knight in shining armour.
How's it going man? Long time no see. God, I miss you man. We had some great times together didn't we? You were my best friend........my best friend. Remember the fishing trips to Lake Pomotongo? Those were so great. They really meant a lot to me. Remember that one time you got so loaded on Pabst that you fell out of the boat trying to land that bass? Christ that was funny. There you were, thrashing around in the water without a life jacket screaming "Save me! Save me! I can't swim!!!" Remember how hard I was laughing as I threw you the life jacket and pulled you back to the boat with the wooden paddle?
I should have let you drown.
How could you do this to me Jake? How could you be so duplicitous and sneaky? I still remember the day I introduced you to Natalie. I remember how you guys hit it off. And why wouldn't you? You have so much in common: you're both famous movie stars, you're both Jewish, you're both really pretty. "She's a keeper, man." That's what you said. Oh, she's a keeper alright, you backstabbing snake. I hope you choke.
And you Natalie.....how could you do this to me? How could you run off with my best friend? You said looks and hygiene didn't matter to you! You told me that you found my passive aggression attractive! You said I wasn't boring! You hurt me terribly Jezebel.
And of course neither of you had the decency to tell me about this abomination yourselves. No, I had to find out 2nd-hand from my cousin (thanks Chris). Well, two can play at this game. You hurt me, but I can hurt you back.
Yes, it's ok sugarplum, no need to be shy, you can come out now.
Jake, I'd like to introduce you to someone I believe you've met before. His name is Heath, and he's my knight in shining armour.
posted by Mr. Apple at 2:17 PM
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