The Human Body is Shameful and Disgusting

Hi everybody! It's that time of year again. You know, the time of year when the weather gets nicer and the sun starts shining and all of you feel the need to start sporting sandals, short pants, bikini tops, muscle shirts, and other various and sundry warm weather clothing.

This is just a friendly reminder, before you all start stripping down to your unmentionables and parading around Massachusetts in what might as well be your birthday suit, that the human body is both disgusting and shameful. Yes, that's right. Your body is gross and it should be hidden from view. You are slowly and inexorably aging and decaying. You sweat. You breathe heavily through the mouth. You leak thick, foul-smelling protein oozings from nearly every orifice, and no matter how often you shower a positively dizzying array of bacteria, yeast, fungi, and other flora and fauna call your body their home.

Improper Summer Clothing for Men

Suitable men's summer clothing

Now, some of you are probably snapping your fingers and muttering to yourself, "I look good! I stay in shape! I'm sexy!" If you are one of these people then slap yourself in the face for me, because you are the biggest problem. You are the ones precipitating the arms race. You're the first ones "sunbathing" or roller-blading shirtless in short shorts as soon as the frost breaks, and it's because of you that others feel pressure to follow suit. Don't think that just because you got yourself a fake tan and some liposuction that your body isn't as shameful as ours, because it most assuredly is. In fact yours is more shameful because you have the audacity to advertise. A lumpy, dirty, mouth-breathing piece of meat voiding its bladder in the morning is no less loathsome because it hauls its butt to the gym 5 days a week.

Now go put some clothes on.