Ask Mr. Apple......Election Debate Edition

Hello out there! Today I have a very special and serious event planned for you: the first ever Canadian election blog debate in history. I've assembled the leaders of all 4 major political parties here at AOA world headquarters in Cambridge, MA. They are all huddled around my computer and we have plenty of snacks and cream soda. They look like they're ready to really go at it so you can all make intelligent and informed decisions on election day. This is not really a formal "Ask Mr. Apple" since I will simply be moderating the discussion and hopefully will be able to keep things civilized and keep the candidates focused on the issues important to Canadians. OK, let's get started!

OK gentlemen. Thanks for coming today. Since we're here in the United States, I thought I'd start off with something topical. The first question is related to international affairs...specifically Canada-U.S. relations. Did you see that total cheap shot by Jack Johnson on Steve Downie in the World Juniors? That was brutal. He almost took the poor kid's head off! Canadians want to know if you're elected Prime Minister and another American hockey player comes with that bush-league goon crap, will you call the American ambassador onto the carpet and tell him that this type of aggression on Canadian soil simply will not stand?

Well, we all saw the game and it was pretty clear that Downie had been after Johnson the whole game: slashing, hooking, spearing, yapping....and not just Johnson - I mean he was positively terrorizing the whole American team, and I think that Canadians understand that since 9/11 we live in a different world. Our neighbours to the south are engaged in a war on terror, and when a terrorist starts terrorizing the way Downie did at the World Juniors, well Americans understandably get a bit testy. So the Conservative party supports Jack Johnson's precision strike to the insurgent Steve Downie's jaw.

I don't watch hockey because it is too violent and I'm a total lame-ass. Vote NDP.




Fellow Canadians....we've seen a rash of elbow-related violence in our country recently, and I believe I speak for all Canadians when I say that this does not represent Canadian values. There are values that are Canadian, and values that are clearly not Canadian, and firing your elbow into some kid's face falls squarely into the latter category. That is not the Canada that I know! If elected, the Liberal party will institute a nationwide ban on elbows, since it is not in line with Canadian values. I'm sick of Americans exporting their elbow violence into our fair country. As you can see I am quite passionate about this issue.

Ummm....Mr. Martin, I believe that elbows are already banned in international hockey. If you throw an elbow, you generally get at least a 2 minute penalty, and possibly even a 5 minute major and game misconduct.

No. What I am talking about is a comprehensive, nationwide elbow ban. All hockey players will have their elbows surgically replaced with soft, plastic, hypoallergenic elbow joints with no pointy protrusions and the like. It's time we took real, concrete steps to eliminate elbows from our arenas and outdoor rinks. Whooo-hah, son! Talkin' Canadian values!

Monsieur Pomme, may I just say that you looked positively breathtaking with that moustache? Why on earth did you ever shave it? Wherever I travel in la belle province during this campaign the women rave about that moustache. My god. It was stunning. Breathtaking. I.....I....I'm afraid I cannot continue, I am too emotional.......

Well, that about wraps it up for tonight since it's almost bedtime and we're out of cream soda. Thanks for tuning in. I hope we really clarified the various parties' positions on some of the key issues in this election for you. Until next time, I'm Mr. Apple renouncing my Canadian citizenship and begging the Governor to let me stay in Massachusetts.....