Ask Mr. Apple......

Holy schnikies compadres, it's finally time for another installment of the least read question-answer/advice column on the internet......Ask Mr. Apple!

Dear Mr. Apple,
I recently saw the post where you provided us with your "current stats" and I'm a touch incredulous about some of the "stats" you quoted. For starters, you list a personal best in the shotput of 112m....but as far as I know, the world record of 23.12 m is held by Randy Barnes of the USA. Second, you claim to have run a 3:56 minute mile that would put you close to the NCAA collegiate record of 3:55:11, and yet you've never run so much as a timed weekend "fun run", let alone in an NCAA track meet. Third, you claim to have 0% body fat, which if it were true would almost certainly be fatal. I can only assume that the height, weight, and net worth figures you quoted are similarly exaggerated. Are you really so desperate for approval that you have to lie to us?
Yours,
A skeptical reader

Dear skeptical reader,

Frankly, I'm insulted by your insinuations. Comparing my 112 m shotput to Randy Barnes' world record is like comparing apples to oranges (no pun intended). Olympic rules specify that the throw will be measured from the the circumference of the circle from which it is thrown to the first mark made by the shot. CSAIL olympics rules specify the measurement will be made from the point of release to where the shot comes to a full stop. This means that distances are slightly inflated since the shot is allowed to roll. Would my throw have broken Barnes' record under Olympic rules? I humbly refuse to speculate.....but for the historical record may I present the local athletics field where I made my 112m throw:
Now I'd like to address your remark about my sub-4 minute mile. Again, comparing my 3:56 mile to the NCAA record of 3:55:11 is not really fair. While it's true I run like lightning, my 3:56 mile was wind-adjusted. During my epic mile, my associate timed me running at an average speed of 7mph. Unfortunately, there was a gentle breeze of approximately 8.3mph blowing directly into my face. After wind adjustment that makes my average speed 7+8.3 = 15.3mph, which translates into a 3:56 mile.

I don't think I need to dignify the rest of your slander with a response.
Yours,
Mr. Apple



Dear Mr. Apple,

Mister, you're on fire Mister.

Sincerely,
Creepy tall guy in the middle





No sir, I'm ok.

Yours,
Mr. Apple


Dear Mr. Apple,

My friend Natalie Portman and I were having an argument yesterday. I claimed that it can objectively be said that you are sexier than Jake Gylenhaal. Natalie disagreed and said that, while we both find you incredibly sexy (and much sexier than Mr. Jake Gylenhaal), sexiness is a subjective experience of each individual, and therefore no objective statements about how sexy you are can be made. Do you agree?

Love,
Chan

Dear Chan,

Your friend N. Portman is spewing pure nonsense. This line of reasoning is why some long-haired hippie can get up in front of a group of people, defecate in his hand, smear it all over his face whilst doing yoga, and call it "art". You'll find that people who make arguments like this are usually glassy-eyed mouth-breathers with no other way of defending their own poor taste.

There are objective standards for almost everything Chan. The problem is that we aren't always qualified to evaluate how well something measures up to those standards or even to identify what those standards are. For example, what is General Electric worth? I haven't a clue, but I'm guessing a lot. Even the finest business minds in the world have no absolute way of knowing exactly what its value is, so does that mean it's value is subjective? No it does not. Different people will come to different conclusions via different paths of reasoning about what one share of GE is worth, but that share does have a true value. When all available information is integrated into a single price on the stock exchange, we get a noisy measurement of the true value. Over time, as more data is collected, we get a better measure of GE's value and we can confidently make statements of fact like "General Electric is a more valuable company than Al's Steak House". So too, in the world of science, we are able to make objective statements about the value of particular lines of research. Trained individuals with expertise and experience form a kind of market of ideas and over time the information in this market lets us make non-normative statements like "Darwin's theory of evolution represents a greater scientific advance than the invention of Nutra Sweet." A diet soda-loving fundamentalist Christian in Kansas might disagree. But if she had the perspective afforded by years of study and experience in evolutionary biology she might be able to see the bigger picture and form the connections necessary to appreciate her error. The fact that she doesn't make these connections doesn't make her any less wrong.

This analysis applies to art and beauty as well, Chan. More people currently enjoy the music of the grotesque and crass Fergie than that of rock'n'roll legends the Bay City Rollers. But the greatness of art is not a popularity contest. Accomplished musicians, poets, serious critics and academics appreciate the skill required to make the art, they can assess the impact and influence it has, they observe its depth and profundity of feeling, and they assess how the music and words are integrated into a beautiful and harmonious whole. They can do all this because of their expertise and experience. A few of these learned individuals may disagree, but the general trend and underlying truth will reveal itself in time, and 100 years from now they will say with utter confidence "That Fergie song 'My Humps' really sucked, but the Bay City Rollers were keen - especially that song Saturday Night. S! A! T-U-R! D-A-Y! Night!"

Dissent is good! Dissent brings new ideas and opinions to the market which, upon further examination by the community of experts, may survive and thrive. Weaker memes exposed to scrutiny will ultimately die out. The idea I'm trying to convey, Chan, is that the market of ideas in a community of knowledgeable and experienced individuals can, over time, convert the subjective experiences of many individuals into an objective measure of truth! The markets are the shadows on the wall of the cave! Over time, if we pay close attention, we can come to know the reality they represent! Cultures change, the fortunes of aesthetic ideals wax and wane, so Gylenhaal getting more chicks now means nothing! History will vindicate us Chan! Call me. And tell Natalie to call me too.

Yours,
Mr. Apple

Whew!!!! Well, that was a long one kids! I think we're all glad that's over with. Anyway, I should have been reviewing a paper instead of writing that crap, and I'm off to Ottawa Friday for a weekend of booze and babes, so don't expect any updates from me for a while. Remember that I love you all, and although every once in a while I've got to ramble, I always come back to you in the end.

Ask Mr. Apple......Election Debate Edition

Hello out there! Today I have a very special and serious event planned for you: the first ever Canadian election blog debate in history. I've assembled the leaders of all 4 major political parties here at AOA world headquarters in Cambridge, MA. They are all huddled around my computer and we have plenty of snacks and cream soda. They look like they're ready to really go at it so you can all make intelligent and informed decisions on election day. This is not really a formal "Ask Mr. Apple" since I will simply be moderating the discussion and hopefully will be able to keep things civilized and keep the candidates focused on the issues important to Canadians. OK, let's get started!

OK gentlemen. Thanks for coming today. Since we're here in the United States, I thought I'd start off with something topical. The first question is related to international affairs...specifically Canada-U.S. relations. Did you see that total cheap shot by Jack Johnson on Steve Downie in the World Juniors? That was brutal. He almost took the poor kid's head off! Canadians want to know if you're elected Prime Minister and another American hockey player comes with that bush-league goon crap, will you call the American ambassador onto the carpet and tell him that this type of aggression on Canadian soil simply will not stand?

Well, we all saw the game and it was pretty clear that Downie had been after Johnson the whole game: slashing, hooking, spearing, yapping....and not just Johnson - I mean he was positively terrorizing the whole American team, and I think that Canadians understand that since 9/11 we live in a different world. Our neighbours to the south are engaged in a war on terror, and when a terrorist starts terrorizing the way Downie did at the World Juniors, well Americans understandably get a bit testy. So the Conservative party supports Jack Johnson's precision strike to the insurgent Steve Downie's jaw.

I don't watch hockey because it is too violent and I'm a total lame-ass. Vote NDP.




Fellow Canadians....we've seen a rash of elbow-related violence in our country recently, and I believe I speak for all Canadians when I say that this does not represent Canadian values. There are values that are Canadian, and values that are clearly not Canadian, and firing your elbow into some kid's face falls squarely into the latter category. That is not the Canada that I know! If elected, the Liberal party will institute a nationwide ban on elbows, since it is not in line with Canadian values. I'm sick of Americans exporting their elbow violence into our fair country. As you can see I am quite passionate about this issue.

Ummm....Mr. Martin, I believe that elbows are already banned in international hockey. If you throw an elbow, you generally get at least a 2 minute penalty, and possibly even a 5 minute major and game misconduct.

No. What I am talking about is a comprehensive, nationwide elbow ban. All hockey players will have their elbows surgically replaced with soft, plastic, hypoallergenic elbow joints with no pointy protrusions and the like. It's time we took real, concrete steps to eliminate elbows from our arenas and outdoor rinks. Whooo-hah, son! Talkin' Canadian values!

Monsieur Pomme, may I just say that you looked positively breathtaking with that moustache? Why on earth did you ever shave it? Wherever I travel in la belle province during this campaign the women rave about that moustache. My god. It was stunning. Breathtaking. I.....I....I'm afraid I cannot continue, I am too emotional.......

Well, that about wraps it up for tonight since it's almost bedtime and we're out of cream soda. Thanks for tuning in. I hope we really clarified the various parties' positions on some of the key issues in this election for you. Until next time, I'm Mr. Apple renouncing my Canadian citizenship and begging the Governor to let me stay in Massachusetts.....

Ask Mr. Apple......

As you might imagine, a world famous blog like AOA (Apples over America) generates a lot of email from our millions of readers worldwide. Some people write to register their opinion about a topic we've written about, some to argue with an official position the editorial board has put forward, still others write simply to tell us they've enjoyed reading and discussing AOA with their friends and family. But every once in a while a reader writes us asking for advice in dealing with important life issues. As publisher, founder, and spiritual leader of AOA I want to assure you that I read each and every one of your emails. Yes, I pore over the words and stroke my beard solemnly, pondering your boring and minor problems before deleting them unceremoniously from my inbox like the worthless digital detritus they are.

At least that's how it used to be. But today all that changes! For today, the AOA board of Governors and I are pleased to introduce a new feature to Apples Over America - "Ask Mr. Apple". Now, you have the opportunity to ask me questions and get real answers from either myself or one of my interns posing as me! Learn from me children. I am here to teach you.


Dear Mr. Apple,

Yesterday at my local Whole Foods retailer, I was shopping for organic vitamin pills and bean sprouts when I noticed a most attractive young lady browsing the reusable hemp facial tissue one aisle over. I quickly smoothed my hair, adjusted my suit jacket, and went over to introduce myself. Mr. Apple, this lovely creature was as charming and interesting as she was beautiful, and soon I was laughing, reciting poems I'd written, and humming folk songs to her right there in the nappy aisle! It turns out we both share an interest in Contra Dancing, and so I suggested she might like to attend a monthly dance session I have been frequenting. She cast down her eyes shyly and expressed reservations. "Aha! Well played my little flower", I thought to myself, "but methinks the lady doth protest too much." In my experience, the dance of love is filled with feints, dodges, parries, thrusts, and the occasional accidental stabbing, so her initially cool reaction was hardly enough to discourage me. I threw caution to the wind and shrewdly pressed the issue until such time as she provided me with her cellular phone number. Unfortunately, when I tried to call her I found that the number did not exist. She must have made a transcription error when she wrote it down on the back of the PETA pamphlet I provided her. Mr. Apple, I'm devastated. I feel like my one chance at true love has come and gone. What should I do?

Sincerely,
A dirty hippie



Dear dirty hippie,

Clearly this poor girl gave you a fake number just to get you to go away. No one could love a worthless hippie like you. Ha ha!! Just kidding my friend! What actually happened here is exactly what you suspect, a simple transcription error. Your fatal mistake was getting her to write down the number on a PETA pamphlet. Surely her hand was trembling and her eyes were misting over with tears at the sight of the poor little furry creatures being slaughtered for clothing, and eaten in burgers, roasts, stir fries, and processed nugget form. Thus incapacitated by grief, how could she not make an error or two when writing out the number? I suggest a two-pronged approach to your problem:

1. Make up posters with her picture on it (hand-drawn from memory) and post them around Cambridge on telephone poles and street lights. Offer a reward for any information about your love's location.
2. Camp outside of the Whole Foods every day until she returns. Surprise her in the same aisle where you met for the first time, kiss her, and tell her the lengths you went to to find her. She will be so impressed with your romantic gesture that you'll be in for sure.

This plan is foolproof. Thank me later, son.
Yours,
Mr. Apple