The Human Body is Shameful and Disgusting

Hi everybody! It's that time of year again. You know, the time of year when the weather gets nicer and the sun starts shining and all of you feel the need to start sporting sandals, short pants, bikini tops, muscle shirts, and other various and sundry warm weather clothing.

This is just a friendly reminder, before you all start stripping down to your unmentionables and parading around Massachusetts in what might as well be your birthday suit, that the human body is both disgusting and shameful. Yes, that's right. Your body is gross and it should be hidden from view. You are slowly and inexorably aging and decaying. You sweat. You breathe heavily through the mouth. You leak thick, foul-smelling protein oozings from nearly every orifice, and no matter how often you shower a positively dizzying array of bacteria, yeast, fungi, and other flora and fauna call your body their home.

Improper Summer Clothing for Men

Suitable men's summer clothing

Now, some of you are probably snapping your fingers and muttering to yourself, "I look good! I stay in shape! I'm sexy!" If you are one of these people then slap yourself in the face for me, because you are the biggest problem. You are the ones precipitating the arms race. You're the first ones "sunbathing" or roller-blading shirtless in short shorts as soon as the frost breaks, and it's because of you that others feel pressure to follow suit. Don't think that just because you got yourself a fake tan and some liposuction that your body isn't as shameful as ours, because it most assuredly is. In fact yours is more shameful because you have the audacity to advertise. A lumpy, dirty, mouth-breathing piece of meat voiding its bladder in the morning is no less loathsome because it hauls its butt to the gym 5 days a week.

Now go put some clothes on.

Remarkable article in the Globe

The Globe and Mail, 'Canada's national newspaper', recently ran an article in which they interviewed my uncle regarding the blood lines of a Mr. John Gillis, aka Jack White of the White Stripes. The gist of the story (here) is that Jack's ancestors were Highland Scottish Catholics who settled in Nova Scotia in the late 19th century. Then, sometime in the 20's I think, his grandparents moved to Detroit and the rest is history. Except it turns out Jack is related to a whole bunch of prominent traditional musicians from the East Coast like Buddy and Natalie MacMaster, and Ashley MacIsaac. So presumably they share some genetic predisposition to musical ability? Dunno...but he is also the 2nd cousin of a prominent Cambridge gadfly and man-about-town: yours truly. Yes, while I may not share Jack's talent or charisma, I do share a set of his great-grandparents and his good looks:

"I can't tell the difference between these two hunks!!!!"

Ms. G. Smith I missed your friend's radio program

I totally meant to check it out but I got busy and forgot to listen. I will tune in next week. Canadians are mostly worthless, but they do produce good music.

My roomie is breaking up with me

My roommate is moving out this summer. It's kind of a bummer since he is a good guy and very easy to live with. Roomies can be good or bad, but when you've lived with as many people as I have you really appreciate the good ones. The key to living with someone is the ability to overlook/forgive each other's flaws and keep things pleasant and friendly, and on that score this guy was definitely great. I will miss him, but thanks to my binoculars and tree-climbing skills I should be able to keep in touch long after he leaves and moves into Simmons Hall.

A Sad Display at Trivia

Oh my. Tonight we played trivia at the Thirsty Ear pub here on campus. Those of you who know me know that I get a touch excited about the trivia. I mean, I'm not good at it or anything, but I am good at assembling a star-studded team that can challenge for top spot each week. I'm the Theo Epstein of MIT trivia. I assemble the talent and then relax, sit back, and take all the credit as my team brings home the gold. Tonight things didn't work out exactly as planned. The questions were lame (except for some hockey questions that we totally aced) and the MC stunk. But, as I mentioned in a facebook discussion earlier tonight, the rotten cherry on top of the shit sundae was an incident that happened at the very end of the night.

Two girls, who had each thrown back 40oz. bottles of Colt 45 and chased them with a significant volume of stale draft beer, approached the MC about obtaining bonus points for their team by making a spectacle of themselves on stage. What was their plan? Quite simply, to make out in front of the bar and, if their make-out session was deemed satisfactory, to be awarded 2 bonus points. What ensued was nothing short of embarrassing:Two of the corniest girls you've ever seen start to make out awkwardly on stage as the pub's patrons look on in bemusement. As near as I can tell there were two reactions: uncomfortable staring at the shoes, and utter disdain. The only guy even remotely enthusiastic about the whole thing was the MC. And it went on for so long! There they were in t-shirts and ill-fitting jeans, touching lips and resting limp hands on each other's bums. There might have been a hand up a shirt or something, but frankly it was the least sexy thing I have ever seen. Afterwards they basically got booed by everybody, which is hardly surprising considering most people present would ruthlessly boo and throw things at their own mother if it meant an extra point in trivia. The lame-o MC unilaterally awarded them the points anyway.

The whole thing was completely corny for a million reasons:

1. If you're going to make out with your friend in front of a room full of people, you'd better at least be into it. These girls got cold feet and they were totally awkward. You could tell they weren't into it at all. It was about as sexy as watching a dog lick a toddler's face.

2. The implication of the whole spectacle was that we were basically a room full of pathetic, horny losers who could be bent to the will of a pair of 5's by the merest whiff of sex.

3. The subversion of the trivia scoring system! The real 3rd place team didn't get their free beer! BS!!!!! This MC was a total tool.

4. It was distasteful to watch a couple of chicks put themselves on display and basically beg to be judged by a room full of people. It was weird to see that these girls, who are probably very bright and talented etc..., were still stoked to get up and try to earn the approval of a bar full of dudes by being "sexy".

There are 999,996 other corny things, but it's after 2am and I have to get up early.