I Think I would look good in a Tweed Jacket

I am thinking of rocking a new look:

1. Cut my hair short
2. Tweed jacket
3. Cords/wool pants
4. Short, well kept beard

This, I am convinced, will make me look distinguished.

I am sick of scuzzy chicks. I need some class in my life.

Thinking of Taking up Cigar-smoking

For the past year I have been extremely health-conscious. I don't eat red meat. I don't eat refined grains. I eat very little saturated fat and no trans-fat. I don't smoke. I run about 30 miles a week. Yeah, I'm one of thoooose guys, and I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps I'm a bit obsessive about it. After all, the last thing a person should do is spend all their time obsessing about staying alive in lieu of actually enjoying life. If a man is successful at developing healthy and positive lifestyle habits (i.e. regular exercise, a generally healthy diet, etc...) then the odd sirloin steak or slice of cheese will surely have zero effect on one's lifespan. So I have resolved to lighten up and try to enjoy life a bit more, but where to start?

I like running, and find it helps my mood and helps me think, so I can't give it up. I already enjoy a drink regularly, but I don't want to up my alcohol intake because I get bad, bad hangovers. I'll probably try to lighten up about the food thing, I mean for Christ's sake I'm a skinny bastard so I could probably stand to gain a bit of weight. But what I'm seriously contemplating taking up is cigar-smoking.

"But Mr. Apple, smoking is the worst thing for your health!?!"

True. But cigar smoking has a certain appeal.

First off, cigar-smoking is far less damaging to the body than smoking cigarettes. The reason is chiefly that, when one smokes a cigar, the smoke is not inhaled into the lungs but rather held in mouth and then exhaled. Further, the adverse health effects of tobacco are minor to non-existent when smoking is an occasional indulgence rather than a daily habit (of course, this is never publicized by public health officials because they don't believe people to be qualified/capable of making rational decisions for themselves). The main risk, as far as I see it, is the risk of addiction. Fortunately, I know from personal experience that I am resistant to nicotine addiction.

Second, smoking can be a very pleasurable experience. Anyone who has ever enjoyed a cigarette knows this. It's relaxing. It aids concentration and contemplation. I even hear it staves of Alzheimers (although I don't actually believe it). Simply put, a smoke can be like a nice juicy, rare steak - sure, it's bad for you, but it can be pretty enjoyable too.

Third, it's a thumb in the eye to the watercress-munching hippies and hateful Cambridge yuppies that plague my neighbourhood. As much as I've enjoyed not smelling like smoke after going out to the pub for a beer with friends, I've always been against the ridiculous by-laws that have banned smoking and infringed on what I see as basic liberties.

Fourth, my apartment still smells like puke. Cigar smoke would definitely be an improvement.

The 4 types of dude with long hair

1. the worthless hippie
2. the creepy vampire goth pervert
3. the scary biker
4. the bad-ass ladies man
5. the insufferable ponce

Guess which category I fall into?

Man, I got my new bag yesterday....

It's pumpkin-coloured and therefore a little bit gay, but of course sexuality is a beautiful spectrum of subtle shadings etc. etc. and so I won't hold it against it. So, in the past few weeks I have purchased:

1. a new laptop
2. a new wallet
3. a new bag
4. 14 40 oz. of Jack Daniels

I hate myself sometimes.

Anyway, did anybody see the article in the New York Times today about Hugo Chavez mistakenly thinking that Noam Chomsky was dead? Weird, but I was right in front of Noam Chomsky today in line at the Stata Cafe. I almost turned around and congratulated him on still being alive, but I figured he'd heard that one about a million times by that point so I just held my tongue. And, of course things are still a little bit awkward between us since that encounter in the men's room that I blogged about a while ago. Here's another weird thing, he was buying sushi at 9:30 in the morning? Huh? What a weirdo......I guess it's noon somewhere eh Mr. Chomsky?

Two random things:

1. I watched Dateline NBC tonight. They were entrapping chat room perverts by pretending to be 13 or 14 year old girls and getting them to drive over to a house where these dudes thought they were going to get it on with said underage female. Then they confronted the guys and shamed them etc.. and finally the guys get arrested by the waiting policemen. So, I know it's hard to have a ton of sympathy for a sexual predator, but Christ. I got the sense watching the show that some of those dudes would never have acted on those fantasies if they hadn't been led on and tempted and entrapped. Something about it really doesn't sit well with me.

2. Happy Rosh Hashanah to all my Jewish compadres.

3. My email address is reactivated. If your name rhymes with Gatalie Mortman or Hat Tower, please email me. I'm so very lonely.

Happy Birthday to Me

A quick post.....

Today is my birthday! How did I spend it? I woke up at noon and, feeling overwhelmed and anxious, tried in vain to fall back to sleep. I finally crawled out of the sack at around 12:45pm and ate some Miniwheats with orange juice (I had run out of milk). Afterwards I watched Spanish TV for 2 hours. At 3pm I slapped on some deodorant, put on some jeans, and walked into the office. I deleted any email related to work I haven't done and then stared at my computer screen and checked email until about 4:30. Then I went to the liquor store. I got home, set up my chair by the phone, and started drinking. At 8:30 the phone rang; I answered and it was American Express. I talked to the AE lady until 8:50 or so and then she let me go. I've been enjoying a drink and checking my email ever since. Cat Power forgot my birthday again this year. We were supposed to go get ice cream, but I guess she's probably on tour.

Great article today in Salon.com

Check it out here.

Basically it's about a community of fundamentalist Christian hipsters in Seattle.

If the article is to be believed, what's really interesting is how this movement is springing up essentially in opposition to the secularism, atheism, and moral relativism that's supposed to be the hallmark of today's urban young people. These folks are not your stereotypical Bible-thumpers; they are well-informed, well-educated, tattooed, hip, and probably a million times cooler than me. But they've decided to reject what they perceive as a life lacking in meaning and direction for a very strict set of rules based on a literal interpretation of the Bible.

That this type of movement should arise is hardly surprising. Every day we're bombarded with images and messages that degrade and devalue people, and right now on the internet you're one mouse-click away from the most vile and disgusting stuff imaginable. This is just one front in a cultural assault on the traditional nuclear family. For God's sake, the entire Islamic world condemns the West for our non-existent sexual mores - is it so surprising that a group of people in our own society would turn their back on these attitudes by embracing a philosophy that stands in direct opposition to it?

Although the article touches only briefly on these people's politics, it isn't hard to see where they might be coming from. They see a government controlled by corporate interest and money and globalism leading to the treatment of human beings as units of production or profit-generators rather than as people with a fundamental worth distinct from, and greater than, dollars and cents. Perhaps they see Feminism serving to achieve some very noble goals, but being subverted and harnessed to serve purely economic ends and to undermine the family. They may view us as a self-indulgent society of consumers for whom life has no meaning beyond our next purchase, meal, or sexual conquest. They reject all of this and search for some higher purpose.

What's worrisome is how they reject it. To stand in opposition to what they see as an utterly corrupt society, they also reject reason. A literal interpretation of the Bible means that they reject evolution. They believe the universe was literally created in 7 days. It means that every word in the Bible, with all its well-documented inconsistency, metaphor, and use of literary device, is taken to be the literal truth. I will leave theological discussions on the delicate balance between faith and reason to those better qualified than myself, but let me just say that if there's one thing I am absolutely certain of when it comes to religion it is this: if there is a God, then He gave us our reasoning faculties as a gift and He wants us to use them. I do not believe in any god that would want us to ignore the truth staring us in the face when we use our brains, nor any god that would deliberately trick us by creating a natural world operating by empirically observable laws that turn out to be an elaborate set of illusions.

Mr. Apple dies......

God: "Well, it's off to hell with you Mr. Apple - you spent your life believing in evolution."
Mr. Apple: "But I thought really hard about it! After all my best efforts, the eyes, ears, and mind you gave me all told me that it had to be true! What gives?"
God: "Oh, that was all an intricate and carefully designed set of smoke and mirrors that I built into the world to mislead you. Instead you were supposed to believe a 6000 year old creation story written by an anonymous person you never met based on zero supporting evidence and contradicted by a mountain of evidence suggesting it couldn't possibly be the literal truth. Now it's off to hell you go."
Mr. Apple: "Crap."

Anyway, I have a lot of sympathy for the Bible-thumpers in that article. I believe some of the same things they do but, as usual, everybody except me is going about things in entirely the wrong way.

Never Going Gambling Ever Again.....

The only reason I am writing this is because I forgot to bring my cyanide capsule with me to Foxwoods. But I feel better now and, upon reflection, I have learned an important lesson - it is very hard to play short stack poker at stakes four times what you're used to with a $10/hour time charge and not lose money.

Yesterday, the good Lord taught me humility and I thank Him for it......I just wish He charged less for His lessons.

Going Gambling Tomorrow

Hello everyone!

I'm in the office working away and trying to graduate etc.... but although today I am a conscientious and responsible scientist, tomorrow I will be a high-rolling superstar because I am going to Foxwoods with some friends for a day of gambling.

I'm so excited.

I have never played casino poker before, but nonetheless I'm confident I will be able to find a way to lose all my money. Maybe I won't be able to lose it all playing poker. I mean, statistically there's a good chance I can do it, but there's a great deal of randomness involved and it's even possible I might win money. But should I win, there's always blackjack, roulette, craps, and as a last measure, the slot machines - so I feel pretty good about my chances. In fact, I feel so self-assured in my ability to piss away the entirety of my meager savings that I'm packing an extra bank card and a cyanide capsule for the trip.