More Proof that I am World Famous....

Even when I try to unwind by flexing my artistic muscles, it makes the news. My associate and I, wanting to unwind after a long day of work, constructed a pair of mighty snowpeople in Killian court here on campus. In today's Boston Globe there is a photo essay on Cambridge, and of course our snowpeople are featured prominently. I get so sick of the paparazzi trailing me everywhere, and to make matters worse someone seems to have altered the original sculpture by fashioning a snow heart and placing it between the snowpeople - a bit obvious, and frankly not in keeping with the aesthetic and statement that we were aiming for. However I am nothing if not a passionate proponent of collaborative art, and if it means more people can appreciate our work.......well I won't quibble.

Check it out:
Modern Art

Online Poker is Completely Futile

Get a load of this loser:

From rootenergy:
"If you haven’t noticed from all of my ramblings, everything is spiritual. Life is all about the energy. Energy is spirit. You are a generator, in the most profound sense of the word, of energy, and therefore, spirit. When I play poker online, it is essential that I get “in the zone”."

Hey Mr. rootenergy, here's a clue.....online poker is completely futile and no amount of New Age nonsense is going to change that. You can meditate, and adjust your aura, and generate energy all you want, but you're still gonna lose all your money. And if you happen to be one of the estimated 10% of people who actually make money playing online poker, then the situation is only marginally better since you are probably making less than $1/hour.

The funniest thing is listening to guys tell you how much money they made playing online poker. If you encounter one of these skids, they will tell you all about their "all-ins" and "bad beats" and usually they are wearing a lot of fake gold and track pants and stained t-shirts with weird smells and they will bore you to tears if you let them. I met one of these guys. He went to the world series of poker in Las Vegas and had special ball caps made up with a logo that he designed....for good luck or something. All his friends were there too, and they wore these ridiculous hats for moral support and kissed his ass and told him what a hero he was. I could hardly believe it. This is like going to the convenience store with your friend Mike for an afternoon, and wearing a "Go Mike!" t-shirt and massaging his shoulders while he scratches lotto tickets and eats cheese nachos.

Here are the main types of online poker players:

Addicted Guy:
Oh God. This is the saddest guy of all. He heard that online poker was fun and a great way to unwind after work....and his buddies told him "yeah bro, it's totally easy to make big money!" Well son, unfortunately your buddies at work lied to you. Now he is a complete degenerate working 9 hour days just to barely pay the rent, eat Ramen noodles, and stay up until 4am playing PartyPoker. His girlfriend left him because all he does is scream at his computer - plus he has no money, he refuses to leave the house long enough to take her to the movies, and he is impotent from the laptop radiation that shriveled his man parts.

"Expert" Guy with Pipe Dreams:
Is there a more irritating man in the universe? This is the speedbag who will tell you how he made 5 figures last year playing online poker (he counts the digits after the decimal). Usually he is also the type of guy to regale you, ad nauseum, about the drunk chick he bagged in the Pizza Pizza parking lot that one time after the Slayer concert. This guy quotes books about poker, and ridicules his friends during friendly games because they made a "negative expected value" decision. He is seriously considering quitting work to play full time. He won't shut up about poker and has posters of TV poker show hostesses in bikinis on his bedroom wall. He took money from your wallet when you weren't looking......it was a + expected value play.

Friday Night Drunk Guy:
This guy struck out at the bar. He is depressed and ve-heh-heh-ry drunk. Now he is at home at 3am on a Friday pissing away his student loan money in a half-conscious stupor. This will continue until he either a) passes out face down in a puddle of drool on his keyboard, or b) loses his buy-in and puts his fist through the wall, thereby breaking his mouse-operating hand. This would turn out to be a mixed blessing since at least it would ensure that he'd have a bit of beer money left to celebrate getting the cast removed in 2 months.

Online Poker Guy who makes fun of Online Poker Players:
Behold, the most wretched character in our entire rogues gallery. Note the smarmy grin and sweaty forehead. Note the cocky tilt of the head. Oh you're above it all, aren't you Online Poker guy who makes fun of Other Online Poker Players? You're better than the rest of us aren't you? Well, the sad truth is that this guy combines the worst traits of the first three guys and more, since he also has terrible breath and an undescended testicle. Keep making fun of us if it makes you feel better, you mono-testicled freak.

Sorry

No updates recently because I'm just so damn busy. I am writing a review that has to go out by the end of the month at the very latest. I didn't even get to publish my endorsement before the election. I was going to endorse Jack Layton and the NDP because I felt bad about talking trash. Sorry Jack, I could have won you at least 10 more seats.

Improved Regulatory Map Paper Accepted

The first project I ever worked on when I arrived in Cambridge ballooned into a persistent monster that just refused to go away. That is, until yesterday when it was accepted by BMC Bioinformatics. I will post this paper after we send in the proofs so you can see what 18 months of anguished labour looks like.

Alexis.......

Every day I check my blog hoping that you left a comment, and every day I cry bitter tears of disappointment. Try tearing yourself away from the Moosehead keg at Piper's Pub for the 5 seconds it takes to type "Mr. Apple, you're the greatest brother ever. All my friends think you're sooooo cute and are in love with you."

Tara.........

How are you holding up there kiddo? Every day I leave a new message on your machine in a weird voice and I'm starting to think maybe you can't tell it's me. I was the high-pitched voice guy and also the french romeo-type guy. Funny stuff, right?

Brushes with Greatness - Part III

I poured this man's wine:It was at a fundraising dinner for a Liberal party candidate named Ian Murray, who was later forced to resign in disgrace for stalking a woman he'd been having an affair with [edit: in fact, he did not resign in disgrace but rather just lost the election....but he was still a crazy stalker]. Paul Martin was Minister of Finance at the time and I was working as a waiter at the golf club where the dinner was being held. I wasn't supposed to pour his wine, but I ended up at his table and asked him if he wanted red or white. Honest to God he looked at me like I was a cockroach. I can't remember if he wanted red or white, but I remember my asshole boss reaming me out afterwards for having the audacity to serve the great man his booze. I hate Paul Martin and I hate my old boss. Hey Paul Martin, I don't care if you did bring a case of cream soda to my place yesterday for the debate, I hope you lose the election. And hey golf course manager guy, if you happen to read this I hope you're still having a good time at Irish Hills making 14 year-old girls cry and chainsmoking for a living. Get bent, you jerk.

Ask Mr. Apple......Election Debate Edition

Hello out there! Today I have a very special and serious event planned for you: the first ever Canadian election blog debate in history. I've assembled the leaders of all 4 major political parties here at AOA world headquarters in Cambridge, MA. They are all huddled around my computer and we have plenty of snacks and cream soda. They look like they're ready to really go at it so you can all make intelligent and informed decisions on election day. This is not really a formal "Ask Mr. Apple" since I will simply be moderating the discussion and hopefully will be able to keep things civilized and keep the candidates focused on the issues important to Canadians. OK, let's get started!

OK gentlemen. Thanks for coming today. Since we're here in the United States, I thought I'd start off with something topical. The first question is related to international affairs...specifically Canada-U.S. relations. Did you see that total cheap shot by Jack Johnson on Steve Downie in the World Juniors? That was brutal. He almost took the poor kid's head off! Canadians want to know if you're elected Prime Minister and another American hockey player comes with that bush-league goon crap, will you call the American ambassador onto the carpet and tell him that this type of aggression on Canadian soil simply will not stand?

Well, we all saw the game and it was pretty clear that Downie had been after Johnson the whole game: slashing, hooking, spearing, yapping....and not just Johnson - I mean he was positively terrorizing the whole American team, and I think that Canadians understand that since 9/11 we live in a different world. Our neighbours to the south are engaged in a war on terror, and when a terrorist starts terrorizing the way Downie did at the World Juniors, well Americans understandably get a bit testy. So the Conservative party supports Jack Johnson's precision strike to the insurgent Steve Downie's jaw.

I don't watch hockey because it is too violent and I'm a total lame-ass. Vote NDP.




Fellow Canadians....we've seen a rash of elbow-related violence in our country recently, and I believe I speak for all Canadians when I say that this does not represent Canadian values. There are values that are Canadian, and values that are clearly not Canadian, and firing your elbow into some kid's face falls squarely into the latter category. That is not the Canada that I know! If elected, the Liberal party will institute a nationwide ban on elbows, since it is not in line with Canadian values. I'm sick of Americans exporting their elbow violence into our fair country. As you can see I am quite passionate about this issue.

Ummm....Mr. Martin, I believe that elbows are already banned in international hockey. If you throw an elbow, you generally get at least a 2 minute penalty, and possibly even a 5 minute major and game misconduct.

No. What I am talking about is a comprehensive, nationwide elbow ban. All hockey players will have their elbows surgically replaced with soft, plastic, hypoallergenic elbow joints with no pointy protrusions and the like. It's time we took real, concrete steps to eliminate elbows from our arenas and outdoor rinks. Whooo-hah, son! Talkin' Canadian values!

Monsieur Pomme, may I just say that you looked positively breathtaking with that moustache? Why on earth did you ever shave it? Wherever I travel in la belle province during this campaign the women rave about that moustache. My god. It was stunning. Breathtaking. I.....I....I'm afraid I cannot continue, I am too emotional.......

Well, that about wraps it up for tonight since it's almost bedtime and we're out of cream soda. Thanks for tuning in. I hope we really clarified the various parties' positions on some of the key issues in this election for you. Until next time, I'm Mr. Apple renouncing my Canadian citizenship and begging the Governor to let me stay in Massachusetts.....

False Alarm

I just checked myself out in the mirror and discovered that I'm still sexy. The hair stays.

Back in Boston....

I arrived safe and sound back in Boston yesterday and basically have just slept a lot since then. Today I decided I look like hell. I used to be able to look in the mirror and toss my head a certain way and convince myself that I looked like a very attractive rocker, or a hipster heartbreaker (in the right light, while squinting of course). But now nothing works. A hat makes me look even more ridiculous. If anyone has seen the movie FUBAR then they know what I look like:
I resolve to accomplish the following things in the next month:

1. cut my hair
2. write a review
3. win "top overall player" in the MIT series of poker
4. wink at 3 old ladies
5. come up with a thesis proposal
6. watch more Matlock
7. that about does it