It's a squeaker!

Wow! The latest numbers are in, and boy is it a squeaker! The nays have it so far by 1 vote to 0, but at this juncture it is far too close to call. We have volunteers manning my internet conducting exit polls. One voter, when asked how he voted, replied "I voted Nay because I like my hair and don't want to cut it."

Turnout is low so far, but representatives of both sides in the campaign say they expect things to pick up later this evening, with continued momentum building tomorrow. An opinion poll conducted earlier today by Angus Reid would seem to indicate that this optimism is misplaced, as voter apathy is at an all-time high. When internet users were asked their take on the issue, 62% called it "a particularly distasteful and pitiful example of self-indulgent blogging onanism", and 28% responded "Mr. who?"

Polls close tomorrow at 5pm.

Vote to save my ponytail

That's right. My ponytail is gonna get chopped off - unless you care enough to save it. Today I went to Downtown Crossing to talk to my stylist. She mapped out a whole new "fashion forward" look for me, based on the style of my favourite living journalist/polemicist, Christopher Hitchens:

I'm on board with the jowls, the tweed, the cigarettes, and the shirts unbuttoned to 6 inches above the navel. Unfortunately, part of the fashion-forward roadmap involves a Hitchens-style haircut. We argued forever about it, but finally I agreed that if public opinion was onside, I would get my hair cut in Ottawa next weekend.

Save my ponytail. Hitch would want it that way.

Holy $h!t

Moderate alcohol consumption (2-3 drinks/day) is already known to protect your heart. Now there's a new study suggesting it protects your brain too!?! Could my lifestyle be any more %$&ing healthy? Here's the article.

Today's "Chat with Mr. Apple" was a miserable failure.

I sat in front of my laptop for 4 hours with MSN messenger running and not one of my "Millions and millions of readers worldwide"™ logged on to chat with me.

Thinking of washing my hair

It's been almost 4 weeks since I washed it. It looks pretty gross and if you touch it, it feels like you're petting a squid. Also, my whole head smells like Canola oil or something. My pillow has a big oil slick on it like the newspaper they wrap fried fish in.

Imagine a guy who comes home every night and then goes and runs around for 30-40 minutes and sweats buckets and then showers, but doesn't apply soap to his greasy head!?!?!!!

This type of behaviour can only be described as obsessive and bizarre. I have this problem where once I start doing something I never want to stop. That's why my hair is past my shoulders now even though I hate hippies and don't play in a rock band. People get stranger as they age. Tomorrow, I lather.

A great achievement

Check out the quiz HERE.

It tests you to see how consistent your belief system is. I am amazed to report that I have 0% tension - meaning my belief system is pretty damn consistent. I have decided that everyone should try to live according to a well-reasoned personal philosophy, otherwise you are just a lab rat or a dairy cow.

what is the meaning of life?

reproduction.

Married people are a minority in the U.S.

I read it today in the NYT. Married people are a minority for the first time (ever?) in a long time. People don't get married. Why? I have some theories:

1. We live in a selfish culture. Marriage and family involve sacrifice that many people are not willing to make. Not saying this is bad, but it's true.
2. Marriage does not make pragmatic or economic sense for many people. The probability of divorce is high. The economic costs of divorce are also very high. For people who have no compulsion to reproduce (see #1) there is very little marginal utility to the acquisition of a spouse. In a world where both people are typically required to work and where common-law relationships are not discouraged, marriage has become an anachronism. At one time a large part of marriage involved an implicit contract (division of labour etc..) between a couple that would allow the family unit to function. Today that notion has been obscolesced by economic realities. Boo ya.
3. Speaking of economic realities.....people these days establish themselves in stable careers much later in life. This may also be a factor.
4. The decline of religion's influence on people's lives.
5. Standards are waaaay too high. After 1 date 90% of girls stop returning your phone calls even if you call them like 12 times a day. The girls who do return calls usually only say "Stop calling me!" and then hang up.
6. Other guys always making you look bad by making fun of the way you throw a football.
7. Most people can't see past the ponytail, long dirty finger nails, Japanese anime collection, and multiple felony convictions to the beautiful person inside.

Some girls like it when you call them "sweetheart"...

...but some girls don't.

A worse affectation than pipe smoking....

....is displayed by those people who go jogging with batman utility belts and full body armor. I saw a girl today running with fancy running clothes on, sunglasses bouncing off the bridge of her nose, an MP3 player clutched in her left hand, a device strapped to her arm which I assume monitors her heart rate and vital signs, and a bottle of water in her right hand. Hey sweetheart, are you running across the Gobi desert or something? If the answer is no, then why not leave some of the accessories at home?

Possibly I am going crazy

I have not washed my hair in over 2 weeks. Chemicals are bad and natural oils get stripped etc.. My hair is exceptionally greasy, but has been getting better recently. Do normal people do shit like this? Probably not, let's face it.

Greek Philosophers were so full of it

I'm re-reading a couple books I bought a few years ago when I was having a tough time and was trying to convince myself to keep a stiff upper lip. They are Epictetus' Four Discourses. He was a stoic who said the only thing we truly have control of is our moral purpose. Not coincidentally, Mr. Epictetus valued the correct application of said moral purpose above all else. What is correct application of one's moral purpose? As far as I can tell, it means you act like a complete lunatic. For example, let's say someone wanted to imprison and torture Epictetus unless he performed in some play that he considered demeaning. Well Epictetus would say something ridiculous like,

"Imprison my paltry body if you must, but you'll never chain my moral purpose!"

Well how about I cut your head off then?

"When did I ever claim mine was the only head that couldn't be sliced off?"

Oh God.....spare me. Your inflexibility is admirable in a weird way, but you're not much of a pragmatist are you? **CHOP**

Basically he comes across as a non-violent fundamentalist madman. Nothing material has any value, including his own life. It's interesting to read the guy's thoughts and see how he builds up his ideas around totally false premises (for example, how God created everything in the natural world - like body parts - to perfectly fit some preordained purpose). Of course he didn't know about evolution at the time, and he didn't know that the neurons that were the source of his moral purpose would get lopped off with his neck, so we can't really blame him. But imagine if this kind of philosophy ever took hold? Imagine the horrors you could justify if you dismissed real, physical suffering and the only thing you valued was something as abstract and nebulous asyour victim's moral purpose? Of course, we don't really have to imagine it at all since there are already too many people who'd rather save a soul than save a life, but the scary thing is that at one point in my life this heap of crap actually made a lot of sense.

Assholes Smoke Pipes

"You know what? You're a real asshole Holmes."

So I bought a pipe....but I have a problem. My problem is that if I ever saw a guy like me sitting on a bench in a public place smoking a pipe I would think to myself, "What an asshole." It's kind of like when you see a guy walking around with no shirt on. It doesn't matter why he's shirtless, he's automatically just an asshole. If he's in great shape, he's an egotistical asshole. If he's not in great shape, he's a deluded and egotistical asshole. Same with a pipe. A pipe is the bare chest of the insufferable pseudo-intellectual. The most obnoxious meathead in the world ripping his shirt off to impress some girls is only half as annoying as the pitiful affectation of the pipe smoker puffing away like Sherlock Holmes. At least a bare chest might get you laid.

But perhaps I'm being a touch harsh.

I've actually tried the pipe out a few times, and I enjoy it. It smells nice. There's no coughing and hacking since the smoke isn't inhaled. Your fingers don't stink afterwards. Maybe people who smoke pipes just do it because they enjoy it? Maybe it doesn't make you an asshole at all? And even if it is a bit of an affectation, who cares? I mean we all have those, don't we?

So, you see, I've painted myself into a corner. Either I'm an asshole because I like the pipe, or I'm an asshole because I think people who smoke pipes are assholes.

Either way, I'm fine with it.

The Problem with Cigars

So my experiment with cigars has taught me a few things.

First of all, cigars are big. They are not like cigarettes, since you can't duck outside for a brief smoke. They take a long ****in' time to finish. If I lived in a place that allowed me to smoke indoors this would present no problem. As it stands I'm not allowed to smoke in my apartment, so unless I'm willing to walk around for an hour smoking a goddamn cigar looking like an idiot, then I think I may have to reconsider the cigar idea. The other problem with cigars is that they are very expensive. No wonder the caricatured image of a cigar smoker is a big, fat, wealthy businessman - these are the only guys that can afford them. Actually, there's another stogie-smoking caricature: cocky asshole MBA students or young lawyers in 3-piece suits. Oh god, that's not me. No, I'm afraid I'll have to give up cigars cold turkey.

Next on the list:
1. Chewing tobacco
2. A pipe
3. Snuff

I will let you know how these work out. I'm particularly excited about the pipe. I don't know why I didn't think of this one before! Oh man - it will go so well with the tweed jacket that I'm buying.

Mr. Apple, pipe smoker. I love it.