When I have blogger's block I find it's useful to write nonsense

So I signed up for facebook.com the other day after a friend of mine suggested it. It's a pretty useful stalking tool.....ahem, I mean it's a great way to rekindle old friendships that have fallen by the wayside.

So far I feel like a bit of a tool though. You don't realize how few friends you have until you find yourself begging some chick who TA'ed you 3 years ago to add you so you don't look like a friendless loser. Also, it's tough to pick which picture you should put up for all the people you grew up with to see. Do I go with a picture that's semi-flattering? Or does that make me look like I'm superficial and trying too hard, which would be self-defeating since it would make me a de facto loser? Maybe I should go with a group photo to make it look like I'm super fun and people want to always hang out with me? Or should I go the arty route and put up a blurry picture with my face obscured? Would that make me look like a poseur, or just gutless?

I ended up going with the photo that makes me look creepy/funny to try to make people think that I'm wacky and indifferent to how I look. But trust me, it's all calculated and phony. So sad that I'm grown man and obsessing about facebook photos.

Anyway, I'm waiting for the treadmill to open up downstairs. I'm going to play trivia in 45 minutes and some girl is hogging my treadmill. I'm going down now, and if she's not gone there's going to be hell to pay.

Last week I bought Micron Technology (MU)

I have another purchase to share with you. I bought into computer memory manufacturer Micron Technology at $12.59. Here's the idea behind this purchase:

MU is beaten down. Their whole industry is under intense pricing pressure and the stock is trading at around its 52 week low. That being said, at $12.59 it was priced just above book value. The company is a technological innovator, has very little debt, and lots of cash. I also think that long term their business is in a growth area. I can't see myself losing that much on this one....however, as of last Friday it was down to $12.23.

I still have a bit of cash on hand, but barring the appearance of some huge bargain I will make no more stock purchases until the market corrects by ~10%....

Kiwi is the most underrated fruit

I enjoy a good piece of fruit as much as the next guy. This weekend I picked up some kiwi fruit from the local Star Market for the bargain basement price of 2 for $1. So far I've enjoyed 2 of them, and I really must say that kiwi is the most underrated fruit I can think of.

You really don't hear much about kiwi fruit. It's pretty low profile. It takes a back seat to more prominent fruit like apples, oranges, and bananas, and I find myself asking "why?" because kiwi is really tasty. It keeps better than bananas. Why, why isn't it more popular?!?

Is it because kiwi is not grown locally? I can't believe this is the reason since most produce is imported. I mean, bananas don't grow in Massachusetts but they seem really popular around these parts.

Maybe it's an issue of supply, demand and price. I guess kiwi is a bit more expensive per unit weight than some fruit. But it's much less expensive than many popular fruits like berries. And check it out: at my local Star Market oranges are 2/1$ which is the same unit price as kiwi!!! Needless to say the orange section occupies a far more prominent position in the produce aisle than does the underappreciated kiwi fruit.

My theory regarding the underwhelming popularity of kiwi is that it is simply not as physically beautiful as other fruit. It has this brown furry exterior that isn't really all that appetizing. Oranges and apples and bananas and berries and cherries are all kind of beautiful.....but it's not until the brown fur is peeled away that kiwi's inner beauty becomes apparent.

Why are you people so shallow?

Rebuttal

This is a rebuttal to my good friend cjs' comment in the post below about how lying would work for a shallow, materialistic girl ....the implication being that it wouldn't work for other types of girls. Au contraire my lovely Albertan blogista, lying works with a wide variety of females. Allow me to give you a few examples:

Hi, I'm a worthless environmentalist who walks around with dirty bare feet talking to trees and being all smug about not owning a car. I only eat grain, algae, and wood chips and I'm really into hacky sacking. Meat is murder.

Wow, you're my dream girl. The planet Earth is our most precious resource. We are all part of an organic whole and it's our duty to act as stewards of the environment for future generations and the poor little furry woodland creatures. Recycling arouses me.

Hi! I'm a wonderfully nice and normal person. I'm kind and pretty and unpretentious and I'm just looking for a regular guy who won't treat me like garbage and/or ruin my life.

Let's go on a date! I have no unaddressed emotional or substance abuse issues to speak of.

I'm sorry, but I'm not really looking for anything serious. I'm just a randy party girl who wants to go wild and crazy and have fun.
I'm worth $49,328,103 and my hockey buddies call me comrade elefante.

I read your crappy blog. You're a liar, a narcissist, and you repulse me.
Everything I write on my blog is pure fiction. It's not the real me. I'm actually quite sensitive and empathetic. Here's a Haiku:
Beautiful woman
I have many emotions
deep inside my heart

cjs.....these exchanges led to 4 of my last 5 girlfriends.

A good way to score with the ladies is to lie to them

Hi folks. I want to share some tips with those of you who, unlike myself, have problems in the ol' lady department.

I find that a great way to bag chicks is to lie.

Some women are pretty shallow. They want men with jobs, or money, or they want a guy without a "drug and alcohol problem". Let me give you fellows some advice: If you want to mate, then fabricate.

Let me give you a recent example from my own life. You may remember that I have a date this Wednesday. Do you think I got that date on my own merit? Of course not. I am a charmless, 31 year-old, 138 lb monkey-man with no job, dandruff, shin splints and a tattoo of the linux penguin on my barely existent left pectoral. So how did I do it? It's simple, I lied. Here's how the conversation went:

"Excuse me, this is really embarrassing but I'm short 13 cents on my vodka and you look pathetic enough to lend me money."

"Money ain't a thang. I manage a hedge fund."

"Oh cool, thanks. What's a hedge fund?"

"It's where millionaires give me their money. I'm worth $49,421,241."

"Awesome. I'm genetically programmed to be hot for men with lots of resources they could use to provide for my hypothetical children."

"What a coincidence! I'm genetically programmed to attempt to convince women I'm capable of amassing such resources. Are you also into status symbols? Because I drive a Porsche, but it's in the shop."

"Totally! If I'm seen with a man who drives around a turbo-charged, high horse power status symbol it lets other women know that I can attract a high-quality mate, thus increasing my own social status."

"I've never met anyone quite like you. You're such a unique and beautiful individual."

"So are you! I've never felt this way before! I'm mentally-stable, disease-free, and I definitely don't have a violent and jealous ex-boyfriend."

See how easy it is? If I can do it, anyone can.....by the time she figures out that I slightly stretched the truth, she will have already fallen in love with the beautiful 'Apple on the inside'.

born to lose

Isn't it hilarious how this pig's head goes on and on and on?!? He looks like a conehead only less funny and more tragic....like he suffers from undiagnosed hydrocephalus.Hey buddy, here's a suggestion: wearing a hat, or at least running a comb through that shit, will make you look less like an alien from the X-files and more human.

Hot Date this Valentine's Day

When I say I'm in love, you best believe I'm in love....L.U.V.
I met her at the liquor store. She works for a direct marketing company, and she's beautiful - I mean stunningly beautiful. There I was browsing the rum selection, and she asked me if she could borrow $0.13 - she didn't have quite enough for the bottle of hooch she was buying and the clerk was being a hard ass about it. Anyway, we started talking about various crap and we really hit it off. I pretended to know about a TV show she likes and she pretended to know where Ottawa is. I've talked to her on the phone a few times since then and we're going out a week from tonight.....lots of pressure, and I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop....I mean is she an ex-con? Does she have a drug problem? Has she got 4 different kids from 4 different baby-daddies? I don't know, but I'll update you as soon as I find out.....I am slightly wary seeing as she has a few open sores, about 10 biker tattoos and, as Groucho Marx said, "I wouldn't belong to any club that would have me." Also, I may or may not have told her I work as a trader for a big hedge fund.

Interesting things:

KRY looks like it's about to make a big move one way or the other.....I could be a thousandaire by this time next week.

There is currently a hunger strike going on on campus.....a prof who was denied tenure is protesting the decision claiming it was motivated by racism......very big news around these parts.

I went to Foxwoods resort and casino this weekend for the second time with some friends. It was much more fun this time as I won $2 instead of losing hundreds. Hand of the day:

I'm in the big blind with 6s 4s. Two callers, the small blind completes, I check. The flop comes 2, 3, 5....all spades! I yell "Oooooh yeaaahhh!!!", simultaneously fart, pump my fist, burp, pee my pants, and start giggling like a little girl on THC.

Everybody takes one look at me and folds. The dealer asks me to leave the table and clean myself off. I do, but not before accidentally crapping my pants and passionately kissing the 64 year old lady to my right. She slapped me, to which I only have 3 words in response: "TOTALLY WORTH IT"

Putting on weight.....

Up 4lbs. this month

Current Stats:
Weight: 138lbs
Portfolio Value: $49,219,024
Mental Age: 41
Actual Age: 31
Physical Age: 18
Vertical Leap: 192 inches
# girlfriends: 3