Good Liberals

The Liberal party leadership convention is this weekend in Montreal......my friend is going as a delegate and I am a bit jealous since it seems that this will be a very interesting convention.

Stephan Dion currently has the momentum. All candidates have serious electability problems. I feel that only Dion has a prayer of winning the next election - but even so his chances are slim.

Unfortunately none of the candidates are liberal at all in the classical sense of the word. Canadian politics is depressing, but not as depressing as American politics.

Gentlemen wear jackets

I used to be like many of you. I often wore denim and sweat-shirts. I used to have tee-shirts plastered with juvenile cartoons or corporate slogans. I used to wear baseball caps and, to my eternal shame, I often even wore them indoors! But gradually I grew to realize that if I wanted others to hold me in the same irrationally high esteem with which I hold myself that I would need to dress the part. And so I threw out my baseball caps, bought some woolen trousers, grew a mighty moustache, started smoking a pipe, and most importantly, obtained a fine Harris tweed jacket for casual day-to-day wear.

Great man William Faulkner relaxes at home with a cool flavourful smoke, a comfortable tweed jacket, and a startling moustache.

The jacket or sport coat is absolutely fundamental to any gentleman's wardrobe. It gives a man an air of dignity and, if properly fitted, flatters the figure. It protects against the elements and typically has several useful pockets where the gentleman may carry his bill-fold, pipe, pipe tobacco, and snacks. Particularly useful is a discreet interior pocket in the jacket lining where one may secret one's hip flask when unfortunate enough to be in the company of the narrow-minded busybody or clucking moralist.

A proper jacket should be of a dark, neutral colour; lighter colours may be worn during the warm summer months, but I wouldn't go any swishier than a desert ecru or possibly a tasteful slate grey. Flashy colours are strictly for parade grand marshals or the clownish talking heads of sporting event commentary. Personally I have a navy blazer and a rust-brown tweed jacket with another brown corduroy sport coat on order. I may also ask my tailor to fit me for a MacDonald of Clan Ranald tartan jacket for hot dates. Any broadly similar selection of jackets would, of course, be sufficient for most sartorial requirements.

For God's sake resist the urge to wear suits. Unless you are forced to deal with boorish stuffed shirts on Wall Street then suits are for weddings and funerals and nothing else. Formal occasions require a proper dinner jacket and black tie, not a suit. For all other occasions free thinkers and libertines like myself prefer the comfort, dignity, and flexibility afforded by the sport coat over the constrictive uniform of pale-faced patent attorneys and robotic corporate bean counters.

That is all.

Hello Canadians!

I am currently visiting your country! It's cold and your money is strange.

The lyrics I posted below are for a song called "Firecracker" by Ryan Adams. What a great song! I have this great acoustic version of him singing it in Michigan and it sometimes gives me a lump in my throat to listen to it. It struck me as I got on the plane to leave Boston that the lines at the end about the plane going down might have been bad luck.....thank god your Canadian pilots are well-trained because I landed safely despite that bad karma.

If I can get a digital camera from my little sister I am going to take picture of my hair for posterity and then cut it so I look respectable again. If there are any objections, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Canada ho!

Black bird slow and softly breaks a glass of wine
Broken bluesy whisper sing to me tonight

Well, everybody wants to go forever
I just wanna burn up hard and bright
I just wanna be your firecracker
And maybe be your baby tonight
Maybe be your baby tonight

Lady, your kicks of silence cough into your room
Kiss me slow and softly make me dream of you

Well, everybody wants to go forever
I just wanna burn up hard and bright
I just wanna be your firecracker
And maybe be your baby tonight
Maybe be your baby tonight

So when does the plane go down
'Cause I'm gonna ride it till it hits the ground
Then go out with a fight
'Cause I just wanna be your baby tonight

It is your duty to smoke

Link.

What is more important - individual freedom, or health and safety? I think this is actually a very profound question. I would argue that, while it is of course important to find a balanced middle ground, at the end of the day freedom is more important and freedom is currently being trampled on by shoddy science and political correctness. Have we become so precious that a bit of tobacco smoke is too much for us to handle? Must we cry and whimper to the police state if a smoker dares to light up anywhere in our general vicinity? Oh police!!!! Come ticket this nasty smoker! My asthma! My precious pink lungs!!!! Woe!

If you value personal freedom, it is your duty to enjoy the occasional smoke. I'm telling you - it is your ****ing duty. Stem the tide. This is serious. The world is full of people and institutions that want to control you and they are generally all evil. Government, religions, environmentalist whackjobs, political ideologues......they're all the same.

When government wants to limit our freedom, they should be imposed with a very heavy burden of proof that the limitation is necessary. Marginal statistical correlations regarding the health effects of second hand smoke (that might very well simply constitute noise in the data) are not enough. When did we get so compliant? Everyone should be concerned about this whether they smoke or not.

P.S. I can't sleep because hockey makes me wired.

P.P.S. I think Chan broke up with me tonight.

P.P.P.S. I think I am turning into a nutcase

Nap time

Hello little ones,

I am so sore today, you would not believe it. I played hockey last night, and after the game one of the teams playing after us was short players and asked me to stick around. Foolishly, I did. It's a good thing I have been blessed with such a naturally powerful physique, because I have to play again tonight. I'm betting that my fabulous muscles should be able to power through any residual stiffness and soreness, but just in case I am going to take a 20 minute nap after lunch.

I have been reading articles on the benefits of napping, and I've decided to try it. Apparently it improves cognitive function, lowers stress, is good for your heart etc...

I can just imagine all of you grumpy people out there with real jobs getting all jealous and squawking and grousing about how lazy I am and how I'd never be able to nap in the real world.

Well it's not my fault you don't play baseball.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz..............

Current Stats

Height: 6'1"
Weight: 220 lbs.
Scientology level: Clear
high note: C sharp
big muscle ratio: 9.3
cranium circumference: 24.7"
overall attractiveness to women: high
Jesus quotient: 0.62

I am not very good at hockey

I played my first game of the young hockey season tonight and I wasn't at the top of my game. Not to make excuses, but it had been a long while since I had played, my skates were dull, and I forgot to put in my contacts. Also, even though I have a youthful twinkle in my eye and a jaunty spring in my step, I am quite old and creaky. I was hoping to get out and play in a lower-level league before tonight to kind of get back into the groove, but I never got the chance. Damn.

In other news, I have had some very tasteful nude photographs of myself taken. They make wonderful use of shading, colour, and perspective, and are really quite artistic. I have decided not to post them though. I have taken great pains to grow my hair, groom my moustache, and alter my style of dress in order to avoid detection by my many enemies, and I'm not about to risk everything just so you perverts can have a peak at my John Thomas.

Municipal reform

I was listening to the CBC earlier tonight to find out who won the municipal election in Ottawa. Turns out Larry O'Brien kicked some Munter and Chiarelli ass. I think he will be a good mayor. He obviously has a lot of management experience from Calian, and he seems quite conservative when it comes to financial matters. The best part of the night though, was listening to Janet Stavinga (an ex-council member) talking about the election returns. She was rooting for Alex Munter and was in total denial that he was going to lose. O'Brien is running away with the thing by thousands of votes, way over half the polls have reported, and Stavinga is clucking about how it all depends on which wards have reported etc...

Dream on sweetheart.

Anyway, after it became impossible to deny that O'Brien had won she started yammering about his neolithic policies on taxation and his lack of experience etc... To be quite honest, I think she was flustered and she wasn't making a whole lot of sense. In fact, I'm not sure she was speaking in sentences so much as stringing together random words that she'd absorbed osmotically over her 10+ year career in municipal politics, "Indeed, fiscal.....taxation......programs......move forward....experience....the residents don't appreciate, indeed.....responsibility....indeed....."

I think there should be a law that only lets politicians serve in municipal government for 2 terms like the US president. Then maybe we could get rid of some of the wretches who permanently ensconce themselves on municipal councils and plague us every time we so much as open the local news section of the paper or show up at a community barbecue. If they get comfortable, they'll get corrupt. What a joke it is to suggest that you need all kinds of experience to be a municipal politician. Judging by the quality of the average councilperson I'd say the main qualification is phoniness, an inflated sense of self-importance, and a willingness to spend other people's money. A term limit would encourage leaders to make correct decisions rather than popular decisions, and hopefully would attract people who aim to serve their communities rather than to land a comfortable job.

Term limits for municipal politicians! Who's with me?

The Dutch have gone nuts

Dutch to ban Muslim Veils

This seems to me to be an unwarranted trampling of individual rights. The Dutch normally seem so civilized.....

I highly recommend The Shins

New Shins in the new year. Based on the songs I've heard, it is really good. If you can find the track "Australia" anywhere online, download it. Most places have had to take it down, but I stole it before it disappeared so if you can't find it email me and I'll hook you up. Can't wait to pick this one up.....

I'm back and life could not be more depressing....

....I forgot to cut my hair. I am sick of being a hippie. Granola makes me sick to my stomach, hemp clothes irritate my skin, I want to wash my hair regularly again, and If I have to listen to one more Joanna Newsom song I'm going to throw myself out a window. I'm living the dream kids, but it's become a nightmare.

Anyway, it's midterm election day tomorrow. I hereby endorse the Democratic Party in every race. And don't forget to vote "YES!" as many times as they'll let you for proposition1 - you know, the question about being able to buy booze at grocery stores and kindergartens. Vote for more freedom, more choice, and easier wine access for those of us forced to hoof it to the store in the middle of winter just to get our daily fix...er, I mean aperitif.

Oh god, that reminds me....the lamest magazine in the world is En Route (the Air Canada in-flight rag). That magazine is for self-indulgent, soft-bellied loungers and no one else. You know the type: people who call themselves oenophiles or actually use the term foodie as anything other than a euphemism for glutton. Blergh.....it churns my stomach. No joke, there was actually an article about a spa treatment where they wrap you like sushi in seaweed and other ingredients and then roll you in sesame seeds. Huh? I'm supposed to pay for this? Seems a bit fishy.

Ha! I kill me!

I wonder where they stick the wasabi?!?!!! Hey Hoooooo!

Ask Mr. Apple......

Holy schnikies compadres, it's finally time for another installment of the least read question-answer/advice column on the internet......Ask Mr. Apple!

Dear Mr. Apple,
I recently saw the post where you provided us with your "current stats" and I'm a touch incredulous about some of the "stats" you quoted. For starters, you list a personal best in the shotput of 112m....but as far as I know, the world record of 23.12 m is held by Randy Barnes of the USA. Second, you claim to have run a 3:56 minute mile that would put you close to the NCAA collegiate record of 3:55:11, and yet you've never run so much as a timed weekend "fun run", let alone in an NCAA track meet. Third, you claim to have 0% body fat, which if it were true would almost certainly be fatal. I can only assume that the height, weight, and net worth figures you quoted are similarly exaggerated. Are you really so desperate for approval that you have to lie to us?
Yours,
A skeptical reader

Dear skeptical reader,

Frankly, I'm insulted by your insinuations. Comparing my 112 m shotput to Randy Barnes' world record is like comparing apples to oranges (no pun intended). Olympic rules specify that the throw will be measured from the the circumference of the circle from which it is thrown to the first mark made by the shot. CSAIL olympics rules specify the measurement will be made from the point of release to where the shot comes to a full stop. This means that distances are slightly inflated since the shot is allowed to roll. Would my throw have broken Barnes' record under Olympic rules? I humbly refuse to speculate.....but for the historical record may I present the local athletics field where I made my 112m throw:
Now I'd like to address your remark about my sub-4 minute mile. Again, comparing my 3:56 mile to the NCAA record of 3:55:11 is not really fair. While it's true I run like lightning, my 3:56 mile was wind-adjusted. During my epic mile, my associate timed me running at an average speed of 7mph. Unfortunately, there was a gentle breeze of approximately 8.3mph blowing directly into my face. After wind adjustment that makes my average speed 7+8.3 = 15.3mph, which translates into a 3:56 mile.

I don't think I need to dignify the rest of your slander with a response.
Yours,
Mr. Apple



Dear Mr. Apple,

Mister, you're on fire Mister.

Sincerely,
Creepy tall guy in the middle





No sir, I'm ok.

Yours,
Mr. Apple


Dear Mr. Apple,

My friend Natalie Portman and I were having an argument yesterday. I claimed that it can objectively be said that you are sexier than Jake Gylenhaal. Natalie disagreed and said that, while we both find you incredibly sexy (and much sexier than Mr. Jake Gylenhaal), sexiness is a subjective experience of each individual, and therefore no objective statements about how sexy you are can be made. Do you agree?

Love,
Chan

Dear Chan,

Your friend N. Portman is spewing pure nonsense. This line of reasoning is why some long-haired hippie can get up in front of a group of people, defecate in his hand, smear it all over his face whilst doing yoga, and call it "art". You'll find that people who make arguments like this are usually glassy-eyed mouth-breathers with no other way of defending their own poor taste.

There are objective standards for almost everything Chan. The problem is that we aren't always qualified to evaluate how well something measures up to those standards or even to identify what those standards are. For example, what is General Electric worth? I haven't a clue, but I'm guessing a lot. Even the finest business minds in the world have no absolute way of knowing exactly what its value is, so does that mean it's value is subjective? No it does not. Different people will come to different conclusions via different paths of reasoning about what one share of GE is worth, but that share does have a true value. When all available information is integrated into a single price on the stock exchange, we get a noisy measurement of the true value. Over time, as more data is collected, we get a better measure of GE's value and we can confidently make statements of fact like "General Electric is a more valuable company than Al's Steak House". So too, in the world of science, we are able to make objective statements about the value of particular lines of research. Trained individuals with expertise and experience form a kind of market of ideas and over time the information in this market lets us make non-normative statements like "Darwin's theory of evolution represents a greater scientific advance than the invention of Nutra Sweet." A diet soda-loving fundamentalist Christian in Kansas might disagree. But if she had the perspective afforded by years of study and experience in evolutionary biology she might be able to see the bigger picture and form the connections necessary to appreciate her error. The fact that she doesn't make these connections doesn't make her any less wrong.

This analysis applies to art and beauty as well, Chan. More people currently enjoy the music of the grotesque and crass Fergie than that of rock'n'roll legends the Bay City Rollers. But the greatness of art is not a popularity contest. Accomplished musicians, poets, serious critics and academics appreciate the skill required to make the art, they can assess the impact and influence it has, they observe its depth and profundity of feeling, and they assess how the music and words are integrated into a beautiful and harmonious whole. They can do all this because of their expertise and experience. A few of these learned individuals may disagree, but the general trend and underlying truth will reveal itself in time, and 100 years from now they will say with utter confidence "That Fergie song 'My Humps' really sucked, but the Bay City Rollers were keen - especially that song Saturday Night. S! A! T-U-R! D-A-Y! Night!"

Dissent is good! Dissent brings new ideas and opinions to the market which, upon further examination by the community of experts, may survive and thrive. Weaker memes exposed to scrutiny will ultimately die out. The idea I'm trying to convey, Chan, is that the market of ideas in a community of knowledgeable and experienced individuals can, over time, convert the subjective experiences of many individuals into an objective measure of truth! The markets are the shadows on the wall of the cave! Over time, if we pay close attention, we can come to know the reality they represent! Cultures change, the fortunes of aesthetic ideals wax and wane, so Gylenhaal getting more chicks now means nothing! History will vindicate us Chan! Call me. And tell Natalie to call me too.

Yours,
Mr. Apple

Whew!!!! Well, that was a long one kids! I think we're all glad that's over with. Anyway, I should have been reviewing a paper instead of writing that crap, and I'm off to Ottawa Friday for a weekend of booze and babes, so don't expect any updates from me for a while. Remember that I love you all, and although every once in a while I've got to ramble, I always come back to you in the end.