9/10

Ever since I said I was going to post less I have been posting more. But I can't help it.

Italy won today. That means that since I have started predicting the outcome of World Cup matches at the conclusion of the group phase, I have been correct 9 out of 10 times. You just can't get this kind of analysis anywhere else folks.

Big day tomorrow. Can I go 11/12? Yes, I think I can.

Ze Germans

Wow. That was an exciting game. The bookmakers had Argentina as the favourites in this one. But your favourite football expert (me) told you that Germany were very strong and they would win in a squeaker. Who to believe? Public and expert opinion aggregated in a global betting market, which has been proven time and time again to be the most reliable indicator of the outcome of a sporting event? Or me?

If you were smart, you went with me.....and of course, yet again, I was right. "Germany will win in a squeaker." That's what I said, and that's what happened with ze Germans putting the Argentinians out of their misery on penalties. Up next, Italy vs. Ukraine. The game doesn't start for another 40 minutes so you still have time to go put money on Italy.

I'm so over Natalie Portman

We are history and I never even think about her anymore. I don't have time for a relationship anyway, and in fact I took a vow of celibacy last week. From now on I am celibate because I choose to be, not because of some stupid restraining orders.

I made a lot of money this month betting on soccer, but unfortunately I lost it all back at the dog track. I am completely barreled in and I'm supposed to settle up with my bookie Tuesday but have no money until the following Friday. He won't let me bet on any more games until I pay. Probably I will need to take some time off research to work off my debt washing cars or painting his garage or something. I could always sell my hair to one of those cancer charities, but I would feel like a real chump since I think most people donate it instead of selling it. I could probably get a lot for it at the right place though. It is chestnut brown, long, and luxurious. Please email me if you're in the market for a Grade A mullet pelt.

Tips for avoiding runner's hematuria

1. Drink plenty of fluids (stay hydrated)
2. Don't pee just before you run

Well, well, well.......it turns out I'm a soccer genius

7 for 8, baby! I told you all that I know soccer. I told you to call your bookies and place your bets. I wonder how many of you did? Not all my predictions were dead on, just most of them (7 out of 8 to be precise). Boy, it's hard to be humble sometimes. Anyway, here is my synopsis of the round of 16, and my predictinos for the quarterfinals. Pay close attention little ones:

Germany vs. Sweden: Who would have thought that the Germans would be the most entertaining team in the tournament? This is an extremely strong team, and they proved it against the Swedes.

England vs Ecuador: Everyone said this was another disappointing game for England, but not everyone is an expert like me. With my trained eye, I saw how they started to play some excellent soccer in the second half. I saw how Rooney began to dominate. I saw the English midfield start to create chances. They are starting to come together...bad news for everyone else in the tournament.

Argentina vs. Mexico: Mexico played a tremendous game and could have easily won. What a great performance. Argentina looked beatable for the first time. I actually watched this game on a Spanish TV station too...which made it somehow better.

Portugal vs. Holland: This was my one error. Not only was I wrong about the outcome, I was wrong about Christiano Ronaldo - he didn't cost his team the game because he got injured and had to leave. It was pretty sad to see him crying when he got subbed...of course it also reinforced my belief about his lameness. The low point of the tournament so far was the 5-minute window spanning Figo's headbut on Van Bommel, followed by Van Bommel's delayed reaction Emmy award-winning collapse/head clutch, and then Figo's Academy award-winning flop that earned Holland their 2nd red card. Figo: what a talented player, but what a contemptible sportsman.

Brazil vs Ghana: Well, everyone knew that was going to happen here didn't they?

Italy vs. Australia: A gutsy performance by the Aussies. Italy looked very unconvincing and won on a chintzy injury-time penalty. I really want them to lose.

Spain vs. France: Oh cjs, I'm sorry. Spain played well. They're very young. We'll hear from this team again, so don't despair. But the wily old veterans pulled it out for France. Zidane and Viera played very well...and Henry got revenge on Aragones for his (ahem) off-colour comments.

Switzerland vs. Ukraine: I missed this one, but apparently I didn't miss much.

Now, the moment you've all been waiting for.....my quarterfinal predictions!

Germany vs. Argentina: Germany is my favourite team in this tournament. They play an exciting, offensive style and they don't flop and cry too much. I have them as slight favourites to win the whole thing. The Polish striker combo of Klose and Podolski are the greatest offensive threat I've seen in the tournament. Argentina looks tremendous as well. Why don't they start Lionel Messi? I don't understand it. This will be a squeaker. Germany 60%.

England vs. Portugal: Oh boy. England are rounding into form, but if Portugal hadn't lost Deco and Costinha to suspension this would be a tough call. Since they did, England are a big favourite in my opinion. England 70%

Italy vs. Ukraine: Could Italy have lucked into an easier path to the semis? Australia and then Ukraine? I suppose they paid their dues since they had a pretty tough group, but still.... The one thought that comforts me is that they are destined to lose to the winner of the Germany Argentina game. Italy 90%

Brazil vs. France: I love Zinedine Zidane with a somewhat inappropriate intensity. He played great today, but it will take more than Zidane to take down the Brazilians. I think this game will be much closer than people think, though. France could win....but they won't. Brazil 55%

This blog sucks

I am thinking of scaling back on blog posts for a while. I have nothing to say these days, so it's better to post less frequently. However, tomorrow afternoon you can all look forward to my post about how awesome I did at predicting the winners in the World Cup Round of 16 and my predictions for the quarterfinals.

World Cup Preview

As promised...here are my round of 16 predictions. These are as good as gold - take them to the bank. Call your bookie. Etc.

Germany vs. Sweden: Germany will win. They are strong...and the Swedes used all their luck up winning the olympic hockey tourney. 90% Germany

England vs Ecuador: England has been playing like shit, and yet they still won their group. They are one of the most talented teams on paper, but really have't come together yet. They have rock solid defenders, maybe the best midfield in the tournament, and one of the most talented strikers in the world in Rooney. They should easily outmatch Ecuador. Of course, Ecuador has beaten both Brazil and Argentina in quaifying, so they can't be discounted. 65% England

Argentina vs. Mexico: Mexico is always a decent team. But the 2 Argentina games I've watched have made me a believer. 90% Argentina

Portugal vs. Holland: This will be the best game of this round. Unfortunately for Portugal, they are too pretty to win. Marco van Basten is so bad ass there is no way his team loses to a bunch of hair-obsessed pretty boys like Portugal. Ronaldo will cost his team the game. 60% Holland

Brazil vs Ghana: Brazil has looked pretty bad, but exactly like England they have got the job done. They are waaaaay too strong to lose to Ghana. 85% Brazil

Italy vs. Australia: Oh my God, Italy 100%. I am hoping against all hope that Australia will find a way to win, but let's face it - they're screwed.

Spain vs. France: France is old, but talented. They have looked absolutely terrible at times, but today's win was good especially considering Zidane was suspended. Spain is so talented, but always find a way to lose. They have looked absolutely untouchable in the group phase, but they weren't exactly in the strongest group either. This is the toughest game to predict. I give a slight edge to France since Zidane will be firing on all cylinders and they have the best striker in the orld in Henry. France 51%

Switzerland vs. Ukraine: Schevchenko Schevchenko Schevchenko Schevchenko. Ukraine 65%

Marriage is out of the question unless you've had a brain injury

Whoever said TV wasn't educational? Tonight I learned:
1) A sure recipe for a miserable life is a poor marriage
2) A sure recipe for a poor marriage is to get married

My roomate is in Germany meaning that I have couch and TV access, which in turn means that I have been watching some television shows I've never seen before. Tonight I saw a frightening "reality" show called Tuesday Night Book Club about a bunch of very wealthy female narcissists that is sure to scare straight any hapless Joe Blow like me who happens to turn it on. No man who sees this show will ever marry unless forced to do so by a posse of shotgun-wielding in-laws. Sure, the women who would agree to appear on a show like this are almost certainly drawn from the rightmost tail of the crazy distribution....but they are so bad that even the remote possibility that you might end up with a female as self-involved as these ladies is enough to keep a fellow bachelorized for the rest of his days.

I haven't seen a more contemptible and miserable collection of people on TV since the Lakers were eliminated from this year's NBA playoffs. Oh, and lest I be accused of sexism, let me just say that the husbands on this show are no better. If I was a young, attractive, intelligent woman (like Natalie Portman for instance) and I saw this show, I would immediately exclude all rich, motorcycle-driving ex male-models from my dating pool and focus exclusively on sensitive, spectacle-wearing man-boys who know their times tables. Unfortunately for you, we man-boys have also been watching the show and have decided to forego women altogether and just get goldfish.

Hockey is so much better than all other sports

I watched game 7 of the Stanley Cup tonight and I have to say it's a shame that most of the world doesn't get winter and ice etc... because if they did, hockey would be the most popular sport in the world. It's so much more fun to watch than any other professional sport. Also, it's so much more manly than other sports......especially soccer. Don't get me wrong, I love soccer and I'm enjoying the World Cup, but it's disgusting to see these guys diving if they get touched and then writhing around on the ground like they've been shot. Then they get carried off on a stretcher and are back in the game 2 seconds later. Tonight I watched guys literally dive head-first to block 90mph slap shots without even thinking about it. Corey Stillman, or some other guy on Carolina, did this in the 1st period and barely got his hand up in front of his face in time. He took the slapper off the wrist. None of you soccer players have any idea how much that would hurt, but trust me...that's a friggin' crapload of pain. What did he do? Roll around on the ice crying until the ref blew the whistle? No, he got up grimacing and got to the bench as fast as he could so his team wouldn't suffer. Hockey players are tough. Soccer players are metrosexuals.

P.S. I will post my World Cup predictions and group stage assessment in a few days once the round of 16 is set. I have more soccer knowledge in my left big toenail than most people do in their whole bodies.

Restraining orders are such a joke.

Anybody know the ins and outs of restraining orders? I have this friend who's been served with one and he's curious about certain issues. I mean, everybody knows that when you've been issued a restraining order you are prohibited from telephoning, contacting, or otherwise communicating with the petitioner directly or indirectly, unless the injunction specifically allows indirect contact through a third party (which it doesn't, of course). But does indirect communication include something as innocent as writing "Baby you belong to me and if I can't have you no one can have you" on your own personal blog? Because if it does, then that would be a total joke. Or hypothetically, would my friend be in violation of his restraining order if he wrote on his blog, with a twinkle in his eye and in jest mind you - "If I catch you and that manwhore together, horrible and violent retribution will be delivered down on both your heads"?

Also, I know that my friend is required to stay away from the petitioner's residence, school, place of employment, or other specified placed frequented regularly by the petitioner, but does that include the bushes outside said residence, school, place of employment, or other specified place? And if so, then how the hell is my friend supposed to keep a watchful eye on his baby? Would monitoring via telescope or binocular constitute a violation provided he stayed the required 500ft. away? Finally, how seriously should he take that bit about disposing of all firearms?

Man....what an infringement on my friend's personal freedoms. It really boils my blood and makes me violently enraged. The pendulum has swung too far, in my opinion.

I was gone for a while...

...but now I'm back.

Not much to say today, sorry. I might be going to Brazil in August. The only thing is that I have no passport, so I guess I'd better get on that. Also, my roommate is gone to Germany for the World Cup so to take advantage of having the run of the place I will be playing poker tonight for 5 hours straight. I will be drinking heavily while I do this. The shades will be drawn and the lights will be off. At roughly 1am ($400 poorer and smashed out of my skull) I will call Natalie. I'll let you all know how it went tomorrow.

I Played Poker until 4am last night

We had our weekly tournament at the Muddy Charles. I drank a bit too much and ended up playing in the side game (after I had been egregiously sucked out on by some new chick). We move the game out of the pub when the guy closes it down at midnight. Next thing I know, I'm sitting at a table yawning my face off and one of the guys playing looks at his watch and says, "So, should we play until 4 and then quit?" I practically jump out of my chair, and say "What time is it?" It was 3:45am. I do NOT have the time to be playing poker until 4am on a Tuesday. I have a gambling problem and have been feeling guilty all day.

Holy $h!t

Umm, has anybody seen the lineup for this year's Blues Fest in Ottawa? It is so good that I think it must be a hoax. I have been issued restraining orders relating to members of the following bands playing at Bluesfest:

1. Wilco!
2. Fiery Furnaces!!!!
3. Kathleen Edwards (so hot, and local!!!)
4. The New Pornographers (Neko Case I love you so much)
5. Broken Social Scene
6. Metric (hot lead singer)
7. Great Lake Swimmers
8. Son Volt!!!! (Jay Farrar threatened my life once for rooting through his garbage)
9. The Stills

Lots of other famous people I don't really care about will be there like Sister Sledge, Nelly Furtado, KC and the Sunshine band, and Ani DiFranco.

Anonymous poster T, please secure me a ticket for this festival. Will you be around in July?

My computer is fried

Today my computer died. It just went black all of a sudden as I was reading an article on the American soccer team in today's NYT. Now when I try to turn it on it just goes, "beeeeeep, beep,beep,beep,beep,beep,beep,beeeeeeeep" and then nothing. I think that's morse code for "Ha!Ha! You are screwed". Thank God I never do any work or I might have lost something important.

Anyway, I will be blogging exclusively from my office from now on. This was God's way of telling me to stop playing online poker. I am a sinner, it's true, but in His infinite wisdom and mercy He has given me a chance at redemption.

Repetitive patterns in nature

Today on my way into the office I stopped at the Student Center to get some cash and I saw a beautiful little robin. It was pulling at a shiny piece of plastic string tied to a small shrub near the rear entrance of the building. The robin was pulling at the string, but the string was strong and was wrapped tightly around the branch, so the bird was having no luck flying off with its prize. I stood there and watched for a few minutes. It would pull for a while at the very end of the string with its beak, fail to break it off, and then try moving to a point closer to where the string was attached to the branch. When that didn't work, it would return to the very end of the string and keep trying. It never gave up. I went into the building, got some cash, bought a drink, and then came out and the robin was still working in vain on that piece of string.


As I sit here in my office trying to get my code to work I can't help but draw certain analogies between that robin and myself.

An open letter to Jake Gyllenhaal and Natalie Portman

Hi Jake,

How's it going man? Long time no see. God, I miss you man. We had some great times together didn't we? You were my best friend........my best friend. Remember the fishing trips to Lake Pomotongo? Those were so great. They really meant a lot to me. Remember that one time you got so loaded on Pabst that you fell out of the boat trying to land that bass? Christ that was funny. There you were, thrashing around in the water without a life jacket screaming "Save me! Save me! I can't swim!!!" Remember how hard I was laughing as I threw you the life jacket and pulled you back to the boat with the wooden paddle?

I should have let you drown.

How could you do this to me Jake? How could you be so duplicitous and sneaky? I still remember the day I introduced you to Natalie. I remember how you guys hit it off. And why wouldn't you? You have so much in common: you're both famous movie stars, you're both Jewish, you're both really pretty. "She's a keeper, man." That's what you said. Oh, she's a keeper alright, you backstabbing snake. I hope you choke.

And you Natalie.....how could you do this to me? How could you run off with my best friend? You said looks and hygiene didn't matter to you! You told me that you found my passive aggression attractive! You said I wasn't boring! You hurt me terribly Jezebel.

And of course neither of you had the decency to tell me about this abomination yourselves. No, I had to find out 2nd-hand from my cousin (thanks Chris). Well, two can play at this game. You hurt me, but I can hurt you back.

Yes, it's ok sugarplum, no need to be shy, you can come out now.

Jake, I'd like to introduce you to someone I believe you've met before. His name is Heath, and he's my knight in shining armour.