I like to rock

Every day I rock my iPod and I rock it hard. I rock it as I strut into work in the morning and I rock it as I trot along the Charles river in the evening during my run. I rock it with quiet dignity in the supermarket frozen food aisle, and I rock it with tuneless yelping and spasmodic jerking when I am alone in the elevator. Here is a useful recipe for my world-famous "hot rock iPod parfait":

1. 4 cups of balls-out heavy metal
2. 4 cups of guitar-heavy indie rock
3. 3 cups time-tested and ripe solid gold classic rock hits (peeled and sliced)

Mix 1-3 together in a large bowl, knead into a brain-blowing, ear-shattering dough. This forms a solid base for the dish. Then add:

4. 3 teaspoons of sensitive and soulful acoustic rock for a mellow finish
5. some Elton John, Queen, and Scissor Sisters for fruity flavour
6. A dash of hip-hop (to preserve freshness, yo)

Cook and serve to a long-haired, ballcap-wearing, rocker-body having, head-banging, "18-till-I-die!" screaming skid.

G'n'F'n'R.

Tofu and I are through

Anybody else eat tofu? As most of you know, it's sort of bland and inoffensive taste-wise....and I rarely eat meat these days, so it's a good source of protein. However, tofu and I have had a loveless marriage for the past little while. Admittedly I do partake of tofu's charms daily, meager though they may be, but in return tofu expects so much of me! I get so frustrated and angry sometimes. Who is this pale, squishy bean curd that was once alluring, but is now so lumpy and unattractive? I had no idea that what was exotic and thrilling could one day become depressingly dull. The last straw came yesterday evening. I made this grain, tofu, and spinach gruel for dinner and then, being fairly pooped after a long day, I retired for the night at about 11pm. That's when tofu decided to give me the most god-awful gas you could imagine. There I lay, exhausted and yearning for peace and quiet and a good night's sleep, but would tofu let me sleep? No. Tofu bubbled and gurgled in my gut, giving me terrible and painful cramps that kept me awake. At 1am I got out of bed and turned on my computer to do a little research on tofu. Did you know that tofu is linked to dementia?!!!?!? Tofu contains phytotoxins that are a possible mechanism of loss of brain mass and cognitive function in older men who ate a lot of tofu in middle age.

That bitch has been poisoning me for a year. I called my lawyer this morning.

Notes on Memorial Day Weekend

• It's really hot and humid here this weekend. It's so sticky right now....I wish it was winter.
• My nemesis since I moved into the place I live now has been the "Level 9" speed test on the treadmill. Essentially it is a 30 minute program where you alternate between running 4.8mph on a 12% grade for 3 minutes, and then running 6.2mph on a 12% grade for 2 minutes. It is harder than it sounds. On Friday I completed it for the first time and I've been strutting around like a peacock ever since. When the last second ticked down, trumpets sounded in the exercise room and a little treadmill gnome popped out from the bottom of the machine. He clicked his heels together, did a pirouette, bowed politely, handed me a certificate of achievement, coughed once, then promptly keeled over and died. I guess he'd been waiting for me to complete level 9 for a long time. Anyway, I swept his little gnome corpse up and dumped it into the garbage chute before anyone could see me and start asking uncomfortable questions.
• Speaking of running, mother Apple ran her 5k road race in Ottawa yesterday. From what I hear, she completed the race in well under 30 minutes and finished 2nd in her age category!!!! Congrats to mom on a tremendous accomplishment.
  
• Yesterday I was walking to Central square to catch the subway and I saw the funniest thing ever. There was this young couple pushing a kid in a stroller....but both the parents were giants, and their kid was enormous. They weren't fat, they were just normally proportioned people except multiply the average person by 1.7 to get their size. I just started laughing my ass off because it seemed so funny to me that they were pushing this "kid" in a stroller when the kid could probably strap me on his back and lumber down Mass. Ave. knocking over cars and lampposts as he went.
• Online poker is for weak people with pipe dreams and no grip on reality. Anyone who plays online poker should be sent to a labour camp to learn how to be productive again.
• Does anyone have any tips on getting into (and staying in) an early morning schedule? I can do it for a while, but then I gradually drift back to late nights. I feel like to be a morning person you can't ever go out, because one late night screws you up.
• Can you believe the Edmonton Oilers are going to the Stanley Cup Final? They are the city of Champions and I hope they win.
  
• Why do people keep their money in banks? It seems to me that now I have to a pay a bank for the privilege of having them use my money. I get a pittance in interest and always have to pay these B.S. fees for ATMs etc... What a scam! They fire half their tellers and replace them with ATMs, and then claim that they need to charge you service fees for using those ATMs.....you know, to pay for all that infrastructure. Huh? What about the money you saved firing all those employees? Some online gambling sites actually pay a small amount of interest and don't charge you for transferring money in and out for godsakes! Maybe internet-based money transfer mechanisms will force banks to be more competitive.
  
• I hate myself and everything I stand for
  

God Damn It, Natalie Portman

God damn it Natalie Portman. Why won't you answer my calls? Pick up.

Pick up.

pickup pickup pickup pickup pickup pickup pickup pickup. God damn it, Natalie Portman.

(ahem)...Oh, uh hi Natalie Portman, it's just me again. I guess you're not home. Yeah, I accidentally called you by mistake. I was trying to call Lohan - your numbers are like 1 digit apart or something. We've got plans tonight and I wanted to tell her I was going to be late. 'Cause that's how I roll. Sucka MCs show up early for Lohan, but I know what time it is. Lohan's so into me, know what I'm sayin'? Hah, of course you do Natalie Portman..........fo shizzle........(cough).....uh, yeah sorry for the accidental call. I must have hit the 3 instead of the 7. So weird that your numbers are almost identical, eh? Soooo weird.

(......)

Are you there Natalie Portman? Pick up if you are. Or whatever, I have to go soon anyway so, like, whatever. Probably I'll go hit the gym before I head out. I work out a lot these days. Thursday is chest and biceps.

God, it would be so funny if you were there and not picking up! Could you imagine how pathetic that would be?!?! That would be so weird and funny!

So funny.

Anyway, you know, like I said in my last message....617-555-5555. You know, if you're in town. Oh, and my work number is 617-555-5556! I forgot to mention that before.

Man, my pecs and lats are sore from working out so much. Or maybe it's from the yoga I do....or all the charity work I've been doing with the homeless. Drunk homeless people are heavy and sometimes I carry them to bed and read them stories at the volunteering goodness centre I volunteer a lot of time at.

Oh crap, that's Lohan on the other line. I gotta go, so if you're there and not picking up this is your last chance.........(cough)........OK, bye Natalie Portman. Lohan gets cranky if I'm too late..........(click)



God damn it Natalie Portman, I hate you so much. I hate you so much.

A man should exercise every day

A man should exercise his body and mind. Physical exercise is good for one's spirit and keeps the bodily humours flowing in a correct and balanced fashion. Mental exercise staves off depression and keeps the mind sharp and the wit keen.

We are all decadent and lack discipline.

The mole-men are waiting below the earth's crust for further societal decay - soon they strike. Prepare yourself now.

My officemate works very hard

It is 10:30 at night and she is here sighing and working away on some poster that she is presenting Thursday. So sad that young people waste away their precious lives chained to a computer. It is a beautiful evening and the poster isn't important. Yet she feels compelled to work.

It's crazy what we do to ourselves. Thank God I am drunk again. I don't think I could bear to watch her otherwise.

I am too busy to blog....

I have been drunk every night for the past 7 weeks. All I do is drink, play online poker, and spit blood into the sink. The challenge is to find meaning in such a life. I believe I am succeeding.

Standing up for Decency

Hello my name is Steve Nash. L.A. is a cesspool. It's my duty to fight for decency and morals with my basketball and startling, yet beautiful mullet.

Thank you to all anonymous posters.

Hello to all anonymous posters!
Thank you for your good luck wishes etc....
You'll be happy to know that my RQE went very smoothly today and that I passed and am now a full-fledged PhD candidate.

With that out of the way, I would now like to take a few moments to address some of the madness that has been going on around AOA the past week or so.....

Mr. Banana? Miss Cantaloupe? PROFESSOR BLOODY PRUNE?!!? I really don't know what got into me. All I can say is that the stress of my quals probably affected my decision-making processes, but let me state for the record that there is no excuse for that kind of douche-baggery. Those cutesy names and those incredibly lame posts are completely inexcusable, and I want to assure you all that as much as you may hate Mr. Apple for foisting that lameness on you, it can't possibly compare to the hatred and loathing I have for myself.

I am a worthless and terrible person...but anonymous posters, I love you all.

God Damn It, Natalie Portman.

God damn it, Natalie Portman. Can't you see I'm too busy to deal with your crap right now? Oh, oh, oh, yeah, of course...here come the water works. Damn it. Crying isn't going to get you your way this time, Portman. You're so God damn selfish. Just because you're a movie star doesn't mean I can just drop everything and cater to your every whim. What's that!?! Well go ahead and call Zach Braff, I don't care.

No wait. Stop. Don't call him. I'm sorry.......

Fine! Screw you! You're not worth my time anyway. You think you're better than me, don't you? You think just because you're a famous, beautiful, intelligent, and talented millionaire that you can get any guy you want? Well, go ahead and leave because I think you're in for a pretty rude awakening, sister. Guys like me don't come along every day, you know. Sure, you could stick some random guy in a Party Poker hoodie, not shave him for a month, starve him, and bash him in the face a few times with a brick to get a reasonable facsimile of me......but he still wouldn't have my soul.

I think you'll find the single life is tougher than you remembered. You're a bit past your prime Natalie Portman. What are you, 25 now? Movie roles coming in a bit more slowly now, aren't they? No more Star Wars to prop you up, eh? Oh excuse me one second, I think that's Lindsey Lohan on my cell.....

"hey Linds.....yeah, she's being a complete "See you next Tuesday" again.....I know!!! Ha ha! OK, gotta go...Luv Yeeewwwww!!!!"

That was Lindsay Lohan.

What are you talking about Natalie Portman? Of course my phone was on. Anyway, go ahead and call Zach Braff. His show isn't even funny anyway. Ok, wait. Don't call him. I love you. There I said it. I love you, Natalie Portman.

Oh Natalie Portman, you're shivering! I'm sorry baby, let's not fight ever again! Your hair smells so good.

God damn it Natalie Portman, you're standing on my toe.

Hello to All Non-celebrities

Hi, my name is Miss Cantaloupe, and I'm on blog duty tonight. Mr. Apple is out doing important things with important, charming people and in the meantime I'm holding down the fort here doing his laundry and making him a snack for later tonight and also cleaning up a bit.

Actually, my name isn't really Miss Cantaloupe. Mr. Apple made me call myself Miss Cantaloupe....something about "the thematic arc and aesthetic of the blog". I didn't really understand, but Mr. Apple is so smart and great that I always agree to do whatever he says. Anyway, don't tell him I told you, but my name is really Natalie Portman. I'm very famous and pretty. Perhaps you've seen the recent Star Wars movies? I was in them.

Mr. Apple and I dated while I was going to college at Harvard, but when I graduated and moved back to California he stopped calling. It was the saddest time of my life, but now that he's busy with quals he's let me back into his life! I'm so happy! My publicist doesn't like it....something about his mangy beard, crooked teeth, and Party Poker sweaters. But I don't care, I love him!!!! And I'm going to do whatever it takes to show him that we were meant to be together!

Anyway, I better get back to work...Mr. Apple gets mad if I haven't put the dishes away by the time he gets home. Oh darn!!! I was supposed to write a post on being a famous celebrity.

........being famous is ........ awesome!

I feel sorry for non-celebrities.

Bye!

I Hate Anonymous Poster "T"

I know I promised Mr. Apple that there would be no controversy while he was gone. But, anonymous poster "T" is worthless and insulted me for no reason.

"T", or whatever your name is....you have crossed the wrong intern. Don't you know I'm crazy ese? You can't see me!

I want anonymous poster "T" to:
1. get athlete's foot
2. have mice in rice bag
3. hangovers every day even when not drinking
4. constipation unaided by fibre supplements in diet
5. seek my approval for future comments

You can't see me "T".

-Banana

Happy Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day, and I would like to take a moment to single out Mother Apple for recognition. Currently she is in training for a middle-distance road race on Victoria Day weekend that she has been participating in for a number of years now. Unfortunately, she may not be having the best Mother's Day, since she's been waylayed by a muscle strain injury that has put her running on hold. My Mother's Day wish for my own mother is a speedy recovery from her injury and a personal best time in the race later this month, and I know that you, my "Millions and millions of readers worldwide"™, will join me in sending that wish out to mom today. I would also like to note, before I go, that Mother Apple continues a walking regimen in the face of injury to maintain cardiovascular and muscular endurance. If there's one thing Mother Apple has taught me, it's that when life gives you rotten apples, make rotten apple cider hold your nose, and drink it.

Mr. Apple is Indisposed

Mr. Apple has qualification exams in exactly 1 week. I am his senior AOA intern and I will be updating the blog sporadically in the meantime. I am very grateful for the opportunity that Mr. Apple has given me and I promise not to let him down....and I triple promise not to write anything controversial and create problems for him while he prepares. I want to prove I am responsible and that I can take care of things while he is gone. Then one day when Mr. Apple has a terrible accident (G-d forbid) I will take over for him and you will all love me as you love him. One day you will love me.

-Mr. Banana

Steve Nash

Like any gentleman, normally I couldn't care less about the NBA (the most worthless of all professional sports leagues). However, patriotism requires that I mention in passing that Steve Nash has done his duty and dispatched the despicable Los Angeles Lakers in the NBA playoffs. Nice job Steve, we're all really proud of you...and especially satisfied that you've sent the ridiculous Phil Jackson and egregious Kobe Bryant back to their foul Californian slime hole to lick their wounds, count their money, and (allegedly) sexually assault hotel workers for the summer. Steve Nash - drunken Canadian hero...too bad he didn't play hockey.

It's Wonderful Being Judgemental

Often times when engaged in conversation with someone I'll offer them my opinion about what's wrong with the way they are currently comporting themselves, or give them sober advice about how they should be living their life. More often than not they react badly. "Oh, you're so judgemental!" they'll say, and storm off like a 4 year-old child leaving me standing there completely dumbfounded. Of course I'm judgemental! If you had my moral character and my deep insight into humanity and society then you'd be judgemental too.

By way of analogy, if you had money to invest and Warren Buffet, seeing that you were in posession of little to no financial sophistication, gave you some stock tips, would you get all huffy and tell him to mind his own business? No you wouldn't, would you? You would fawn over Warren Buffet and kiss his ass and beg for more stock tips. If Tiger Woods saw you hacking away in a comical manner on the golf course and offered you advice on your golf swing, would you swear at him and chase him down the fairway with your 5 iron? No, you would ask for his autograph and blush and say "aw shucks" and get your wife to take your picture together and frame it and put it on your mantle and show it to anyone who came to visit. So why, when attempting to be similarly helpful, do I get nothing but abuse? It's hard to say, but I'm not going to let it deter me from my life's work.

Here is a list of some people along with my handy (and incomplete) assessment of their flaws:

Brad Pitt: obsessed with his hair, divorced.
Paris Hilton: engaged in premarital sex (multiple offences).
Tom Cruise: scientologist.
George Bush: documented alcohol user.
Wayne Gretzky: suspected contraceptive user.
Ruth Bader-Ginsberg: nerd.
Britney Spears: nicotine addict.

Didn't make the list? Sorry, I ran out of time. But rest assured no matter who you are there is something about you that I disapprove of.

Peace and Love,
Mr. APple

Conformity is the New Individualism

Has anyone else noticed that we live in a world where everyone is trying to draw attention to themselves? Even setting aside the obvious example of reality television shows (and setting aside the irony of a guy with a blog commenting on how other people crave attention), it seems obvious to me that 75% of people walking around on the street think they're movie stars or something. Everybody is wrapped up in the idea that they're unique and special and different. Possibly more than any other time in history we are self-involved, puffed up with a belief in our own "specialness", and enamoured with the idea that we're somehow deserving of other people's attention.

Every time you are in a public place and someone is talking really loudly on their cellphone and forcibly sharing their conversation with you, you are on the receiving end of this rather distressing trend. If you've ever walked down Mass Ave. on a Friday night and seen the retarded hipsters with their depressingly cookie-cutter clothing, tattoos, and hairstyles milling around outside the Middle East smoking Parliaments and completely oblivious to the fact that by trying so hard to be different they reinforce their membership in the herd, then you know what I'm talking about. And let me tell you, if you ever have the misfortune of browsing random people's profiles on MySpace, then the gravity of the situation becomes especially apparent.

An example:
I was in the grocery store the other day and I was walking down the canned vegetable aisle and I see this guy and his wife shopping. All of a sudden, the guy pulls his leg up on top of the shopping cart, straightens it out, and starts doing these ballet stretches in the middle of the aisle. He's stretching it out, bringing his head down to his knee and really feeling the burn, and all I could think was "I hope the cart starts to roll and you tear your groin you silly bastard." Why in the world would a 55 year old man do these stupid stretches in the middle of the grocery store? Because he wanted attention, of course. As I was walking toward this guy I heard a voice say, "Look at that silly arsehole." and for a split second I thought my dad was right behind me - then I realized I was talking to myself.

What is going on here? What ever happened to just being a regular person and minding your own business? Why not derive your sense of worth from your humanity and sense of morality instead of how different you can be or how many people are looking at you? Because the truth is that, no matter how unique we think we are, we're all just regular people. Sure, technically we're genetically unique....but in practical terms there is nothing unique about us. We have the same genes. We all have the same biological needs, and we're all driven by the same fundamental biological imperatives. Our psychologies operate by the same set of general principles and our brains all operate according to the same fundamental physical laws. We're all just people, and that's ok. Don't run away from it! Embrace it! It took me 30 years to realize this, but I am passing it on to you now.

I am always teaching you.